Gone off sex but watching porn...

[LittleAndFierce]

I am looking for some advice. I am 30 and my husband is 33, we've been together a few years. When we first me we had an amazing sex life - it was like nothing that I had ever really known and through that I discovered that actually I have quite a high sex drive. But we seemed well matched as he wanted sex as often as myself so it was daily or every second night. He was adventurous and considerate in bed. Fast forward a few years, we've went to not being able to finish watching a film as we couldn't keep our hands off each other to being intimate once a week, twice at a push. My confidence is at an all time low. I feel he is always the one to initiate it and it is on HIS terms - I take it because I don't know when he will next be in the mood. If I initiate intimacy he will say he's tired yet he sits playing computer games until 3am most nights at the moment and he will brush off any comments I make about being unhappy with our sex life. I've tried going to bed naked - at 3am he comes in shattered after playing his games and he doesn't even notice. I've asked him to come for an early night, it never happens. I've put it down to stress, his sex drive has possibly lowered or current situation with work due to Covid-19. I've made all the excuses but maybe I need to look at I'm the problem.

I was on the laptop logging into our joint account when there was a glitch. When it rebooted it asked if I wanted to reload the page and when I clicked for this to happen, porn appeared on the screen. This prompted me to check the history to see extensive porn. Film after film. I don't have a problem with men watching porn. We've watched it together and I have watched it alone. However, he isn't interested in sex with his wife yet he watches absolute filfth while I am at work or asleep. Can I point out I am currently the only one earning so knowing while I am paying our mortgage and bills he is watching other women adds extra insult! Am I being unreasonable? I've left the house to go to work today and left the laptop open with his browser history so he will know I've seen it. Do I have a right to be upset and angry?

It's not so much the porn that is the issue here, it's the fact that he is unresponsive to your desire for an improvement in your sex life. Of course porn could be the reason for that but from what you say there are other possibilities- stress, addiction to computer games. I don't think you are the problem, he should not brush aside discussion of any problem in your relationship. A strong relationship depends on communication and understanding of the other partners needs and that applies to sex as well as everything else. Watching porn alone when you are in bed wanting sex is concerning, porn is for when you are not there or not interested.He was obviously a good lover in the past and successfully awakened your sexual side, he should be very proud of that and I hope you complimented him at the time. I think you need to sit him down and start by tellling him you know he can be really good but he seems to be losing interest and becoming unresponsive. You need to make clear how strongly you feel about this and see how he reacts. Hopefully that will lead to an improvement.

I guess you don't have kids? Why is he not working? Is it because of the virus? And also, how long has this been going on?

Ok I've seen your other post on this man. So he's a uni student and is basically leeching off you in order to afford this.

He's not working at all....MANY students work....and study.

He is taking the utter piss out of you.

Don't put up with him OP. Ditch him fast or you'll find yourself on the wrong side of 40 stuck with kids and a loser of a man who can't or won't provide for them.

Seriously...you're young....you can do MUCH better than a wanker (literally) who talks to you badly, does not buy you Christmas gifts and leeches off you.

When they start preferring porn to sex with a partner it's literally the beginning of the end. Ultimatum time- and mean it

You can do a lot better than this.

If you have a bad sex life and man regularly staying up to 3am then the porn is the least of your worries.

It’s a symptom of how little he cares about you.

Men can use sex and porn as a distraction from problems, as much as for gratification, and playing computer games is definitely about distraction - with a bit of social interaction chucked in. I'd guess that if he's stuck in while your out at work, and he's also not earning, he knows his problems are there and real but doesn't want to dwell on them - probably not good for MH to do so.
The thing is, porn and gaming, while being effective distractions, aren't great for MH in large quantities either.
What would help him more, is likely outside exercise in a way that is allowed - does he have a bike, or go for walks ? You could go together. You will meet people along the way and chat as everyone is at it, as long as you maintain a distance, it's important for MH to have some limited form of interaction.
Also, some good can come of him facing his circumstances, he might have a clean slate after this is over, an opportunity for further education or training. He's still young enough to develop a new career, so total avoidance of contemplation is not helping progress.
Understandably, you've developed some insecurity by being knocked back, but it really isn't about you, it will be what's going on with him and he's dealing with it poorly up to now. I doubt this has much to do with sex and attraction. How you give his lifestyle a jolt, you may know best as you know him. Somehow, help him to realise it's in his own interest to alter his current path, it's best if he makes change for his own sake.

When did this start to happen? Did it coincide with the loss of his job / Covid-19 (I guess from your post he lost his job due to the virus, but please correct me if I'm wrong)?

If so, I think he's suffering from depression.

The key thing is to talk to him - without confrontation or judgement. Try and find out what's happening. I guarantee the problem is not you but something he's thinking. E.g. if he's lost his job and his confidence with it then he won't have the confidence to initiate sex like he usually would. If he's stressed or depressed his libido will be through the floor.

I think you need a conversation.
It is normal for some slow down of the frequency from the earlier phase in a relationship. However both need to be happy and on the same page about it.
I am sure lockdown doesn’t help either

Lol, ok so you've posted before and education is the problem, I hope he's doing a useful degree with some work experience, not sure how long he's been at it but he can't have more than a year or two to go. TBH, if the porn and the gaming issues pre date social isolation, I'm less sympathetic. Either way your only problem is why put up with his problems, if he won't sort them?

This man does not have a non existent libido. He is watching a lot of porn.

You are not his mother. I suggest you discuss the issue exactly once; because porn is like other forms of extra curricular sexual activity in a relationship. You get to draw a line about what is acceptable.

Be very careful with anyone who suddenly appears to have a large porn habit from nowhere. It’s up to them but it’s normally the death of your sex life and a slow reveal of nasty underlying attitudes to women.

People with healthy intimate relationships do not have large collections of porn. I also doubt he is playing just computer games until 3am.

Sitting on your arse all day watching a screen really makes you tired. But for him, not quite tired enough to want to sleep until very late. He sounds like he's in a state of perpetual exhaustion, even though he doesn't really do anything. But this is his own fault, because he's fallen into the bad habit of just watching a screen all day.

When he claims he's too tired to for sex, he's probably being partly truthful. Actual sex requires a lot more energy than wanking to porn. It could also be some of the time he's worn himself out from wanking when you suggest sex, but mostly he's just tired. But this his own fault because he's not looking after himself. Not getting enough exercise, not doing anything productive, not getting enough sleep. Probably other bad habits as well.

Look into the symptoms of porn addiction. He could be on a slippery slope if he doesn't reign it in.

It could be that he just doesnt feel emotionally connected to you for whatever reason. Porn/masturbation is an emotionless thrill,whereas sex with a partner takes a degree of connection to that person,if that connection is broken then he might not feel able to close to you in that way. I know when Ive had trust issues or myself and girlfriends have been arguing a lot then I`ve not wanted to be intimate with them,masturbation isn't ever a problem though.

He is withdrawing from you for whatever reason. Maybe the lockdown is too much time spent together and he's feeling suffocated. I would give him a lot of space and reevaluate when things are back to normal. focus on yourself for a bit. If I was feeling down and suffocated which he may be the last thing id want is constant nagging for sex.