Detaching from the ex so I can meet a nice man

[Ritascornershop]

Help! In brief, was married over a decade to my kids’ dad who was verbally, financially, and occasionally physically abusive. We’ve been divorced about as long as we were married and he’s now a lonely alcoholic.

Since then I had a long-term friend who I was very much in love with. My friend felt the same way but would never commit. After some pressure and whinging from me he turned over a new leaf and started coming by all the time, taking me out, etc. Consciously or not (imo) he got out of the relationship with me (said I was the love of his life & up to the point where he turned into a horror show & I certainly thought he was my dream partner) by doing the one thing he knew was a total non-starter: turning into a jealous freak. I won’t go into details but it was ridiculous, had nothing to do with how I’ve ever in my life behaved, he should have known me better, it was all in his head. He’s a big man, very strong, and him looming over me accusing me of flirting with other men, chasing other men (as if!), etc scared the living daylights out of me. I told him this, he tried for a week, but then went back to being a nightmare so I ended it. (The first round of jealousy took a few months to build up and it was so out of character I kept dismissing it as an odd day till he got to the point where he was frightening me).

We text occasionally, but I’ve only seen him once in the 8 months since I told him we were done. I miss the good, sweet man he was for years prior to the last 6 months of our relationship, I miss him terribly. This is partly habit and partly no-one I know has ever had the same way of seeing things as he and I, not shared interests as he and I do.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. A man I know through a local group and who I’ve always thought seems very nice asked me to go for a walk with him (he lives close by, walks are allowed here). A cheerful, friendly, seemingly normal man, who is also very clever (smart is a requirement).

We had one walk, it went well. A week later he’s asked if I’d like to do it again. I would.

However; I don’t trust my taste in men having got it so horribly wrong twice.

I worry maybe he’ll be a monster in disguise too. How do most women weed out the controlling, difficult men?

Can I fall for someone if I’m still missing the last idiot?

And should inflict my lack of confidence and cynicism on this nice man?

Thoughts?

i'd def give him a try, its hard to know one's true self without them revealing that side. The more you talk to him, the more you'll know.
Anyone who blames ppl for everything and never seems to see his mistakes is a big no no.

As for "walks are allowed here", not for different households.

Thanks Hannah. I’m not in the UK, we are allowed to go for walks here so long as we’re 2 metres apart. Our Covid numbers have stayed very low so I’m not over concerned about it at this point in time (taking my cue from our government’s direction on this).

Good point about someone who never seems to see their mistakes, I shall be alert to that.

Walk # 2 is now scheduled. I just feel so torn between worrying this seemingly sane and nice man will turn into a monster and feeling terribly lonely.

I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but I think when you’ve been in abusive relationships it can make you extremely conscious of your safety. So I keep weighing up being along forever vs the risk of this man turning out not to be what he seems.

It’s very difficult to know what’s best for me in the long-run - to risk being hurt or feel safe but very lonely. And just in case anyone suggests it, being busy (after covid, volunteering or whatever, is not for me a substitute for a partner).

do u know someone you trust who's generally very good at looking through people's behaviour and attitude?

Your feelings are normal, and you shouldn't commit until you're feeling comfortable and ready, this is not an easy decision to make, and you know, you've learnt a lot from the past, and I'm sure you can work out a quick exit plan? for example, not moving in with him until you've dated for long enough to feel comfortable and ready to commit

I've been with my partner for 2 years, we live in our own places, I'm not yet ready to introduce him to my personal space indefinitely, he comes and goes but it's my place and I have the control

Thanks Hannah. It’s very early days yet, but he really does seem like a nice man, decent and interesting.

I can run the idea of him past my best sensible friend, but she’s doesn’t live here anymore so can’t meet him.

I had such a nice time walking (2 metres apart) with him on both walks, but not I’m all anxious and uncomfortable. Stupid personally history, I wish it would piss off and not cloud up my present.

@Ritascornershop you sound like me although I only had the one abusive partner but your feelings about others potentially being monsters really resonated with me.

I think all you can do is keep a keen eye out for red flags that you might have ignored before. My ex lovebombed me early on, lost his temper a lot, didn't have much of a relationship with his other children, despised his parents, subtly controlling about things. Don't move in with them easily too. I'm never intending to live with another man. But actually try and enjoy your experience too with this man if you are still getting decent vibes. Don't let your exes make you second guess your own judgement. We all make mistakes.