MIL. Dreading years to come.

[Wolfgirrl]

I've done a previous post on MIL regarding the song and dance she made over our wedding date, saying she had a weekend away with a friend planned (turns out it was something she does every year, with the same friend, had only paid a tiny deposit and sees said friend every week).

She eventually agreed to come to the wedding and miss her weekend away, albeit very begrudgingly while telling me she felt incredibly guilty about her friend (although she didnt seem to feel that way towards her own son when she said she couldn't attend the wedding )

Anyway, I was hoping this would signal a fresh start for us all but looks like it wasnt to be.

She asked to come up for the day when DP was at work a few weeks later. I said fine. When she arrived, she didnt even mention our engagement (it was the first time I had seen her since he popped the question). Nothing at all. We havent had so much as a card from his side of the family. No congratulations phone call. Just a text when it happened, and then the row over the date a few weeks later. I just found this really hurtful, she only has 2 sons, how could something like that just slip your mind?

She is incredibly difficult to get along with as it is her way or the highway. I've posted on here before to say how she turned up unannounced when DD was born despite me making it very clear to everyone I didnt want any hospital visitors.

When DD was a month old, it was MIL's birthday. I was still fuming about the hospital but tried to put it behind me. We offered to go to theirs for a couple of nights, she said it would just be us and we could chill out (we were in the thick of the sleepless newborn stage). When we did get there, they made a snide remark about us being late (had to drive 2 hours, there was a storm). The next day a load of her friends turned up, she had clearly decided to spring them on me so I couldn't say no to them all seeing the baby and passing her around. I refused to see anyone and locked myself and DD away upstairs. Which sounds childish but I was exhausted and so angry.

She is a Trump supporter type, I know this isnt really relevant but her attitudes in life really rile me up. She constantly bangs on about Brexit, Boris Johnson etc and how wonderful they are. If you disagree with her it turns into a full blown row.

I could go on, but this has been a long post already. She sees herself very much as the matriarch of the family, who gets the deciding say on everything, and I just dont know how to keep a good relationship with her for DD and DP's sake without putting up with her crap all the time.

Looking for wise words from wise women! Thanks for reading.

She sounds awful but shutting yourself away with the baby when her friends came to visit wasn’t great was it? You need to do a bit better than that. How humiliating for your DH.
I used to have a MIL a bit like this (probably a lot worse). She won’t change. You need to find a way to deal with her, in small doses perhaps.
I think it’s natural for any new GP to want to spend time with the GC. My DMs relationships with her DGC is absolutely lovely. She’s their favourite person. Your baby is part of an extended family. It’s important

She sounds awful but shutting yourself away with the baby when her friends came to visit wasn’t great was it? You need to do a bit better than that. How humiliating for your DH

What?! The baby isn’t some sort of toy for the MIL to invite her friends round to play with. It’s fucking outrageous and good on you for refusing to allowed that behaviour OP.

A good friend once told me.. You can't manage other people's actions but you can manage your response...
.... Managing your response needs to be the way forward... Its not easy though...

Politics...don't engage just say 'anyway...' and change the topic. If persists just say... You know we don't agree so can we talk about something else? '
Perhaps she'd avoided engagement topic as wedding had caused an issue...

You see a problem with seeing baby in hospital and inviting friends to meet baby at her birthday... Others would be irritated but see excitement and joy in MIL proud to show her grandchild off.

Try to look on positive side... It'll help you...

Don't tell her when in hospital with any future babies till you are home. But in the mean time... Let it go...

I don't think you like her, perhaps she doesn't really like you... But if you can learn to get along with her to an extent... Have lines that your husband agrees and let him deal with..

I say this kindly & perhaps wrongly but when I read this I also see you as wanting things your way...

@crispysausagerolls I wasn’t suggesting the MIL and her friends be passing the baby about. And she should have checked before inviting people around. I totally get that. I really do!
But shutting herself away and refusing to see anyone! That’s an over reaction in my opinion. She could have sat out of the way of everyone.
When my DM became a DGP she was overjoyed and I think she did over impose herself on my DB and his wife. It didn’t last but she was excited and happy. It’s an exciting time in any family

Wow to that first comment. OP had just had a baby and was exhausted, stuff MIL friends . OP she's only a matriarch over YOUR family (you, dp and the DC) if you allow her to be. You don't have to put up with rubbish like that.

How is your DP responding to her riding roughshod over your thoughts, preferences and feelings? Is he challenging her poor manners, her attempts to dominate and do as she pleases? My exh mother was a nightmare, in hindsight l would have taken less shit from her from the off. If l could do things differently, then l would have told ex to deal with her or l would. My way would have involved bluntly telling her to butt out and sort her attitude out

I don't blame you for shutting yourself and the baby in the bedroom at all, you went to her house under false pretenses! She told you there wouldn't be any visitors, just to spring them all on you in the hopes you wouldn't mind! How sly. One thing I couldn't stand was people expecting my newborn to be passed around a group of people. No thanks. I would have done the same. She sounds like an absolute nightmare OP. What does your DH say?

Thanks for all the replies, I half expected to get flamed for some reason so it's nice to see I'm not going mad!

If I'm being honest, it is the slyness and dishonesty which upsets me the most.

The main reason I said no hospital visitors was ironically because I wanted to treat all our family equally. I have a big family and I didnt want a crowd of visitors, nor did I want to get peoples backs up by picking and choosing who could come. MIL texted DP to find out which hospital we were in by saying she had an ex nurse friend who worked in our city and wanted to know. She admits this was a lie to trick him into disclosing our location. So basically my family missed out for nothing and she got her visit.

As for the birthday, I do regret it was awkward for DP but the alternative was sitting for the evening passing my tiny (born a month early) DD around a room full of tipsy people I had never met before. After the hospital, this was one lie too far for me and as well as wanting to be on my own, I guess I did want to make her plan backfire. The next day she was in tears saying I had ruined her birthday.

As for DP, after the birthday he phoned MIL and challenged her on her behaviour. She was adamant she was in the right, being all 'I'm her grandmother why cant I visit her in the hospital and show her off to my friends'. Its like my wishes just simply dont exist. It seems to be the accepted view on MN that 'excitement' excuses any kind of grandparent intrusion.

He also phoned her about the wedding date, but sort of struggles to get his points out as she just shouts him down.

I just can't bear her but have to find a way to tolerate her for DD.

Do we have the same mother in law?! From Two sons, to trump and Boris, to turning up at the hospital unannounced to thinking she is the matriarch you have described my mother in law to a tee.

I'm afraid that after ten years mine hasn't changed and I see no light at the end of the tunnel,m. We had two blissful years of not talking to her but when we had dc I made the effort to restart contact for dc/dh- big mistake. She and I haven't spoken since Christmas when she asked me what time I wanted to eat our Christmas meal time and my answer wasn't the same as the time she wanted in her head (I wanted to eat at midday because of dd's nap time but was flexible, it wasn't that much of a big deal!) She is passive aggressive and only texts or calls DH and pretends I don't exist. This suits me well as I'm not expected to see her so the only advice I can give is to keep your distance if you possibly can, her behaviour will make that justifiable.

@ellabella18 maybe you're my SIL as MIL crashed her actual labour! But that's another story 🙄

She sounds exhausting and very much like my MIL. All I can say is, she won’t change and will make your life a misery if you let her. I tried towing the line and bending over backwards to please mine for years but it had to be total and utter unquestioned dominance on her part for her to be kept happy. We rarely see her now, she’s even mildly/subtly unpleasant to our DC (all under 7) these days now she has other DGC so she really showed her true colours in the end. Three of my DC are boys so I just try to use my horrendous experiences with MIL for the good in that I can learn how not to be and how not to trash my relationships with any future DILs I may have.

This is who she is and she will not change
You can change how you react to her and in fact I would not have her in either yours or your daughter’s lives, your daughter needs emotionally healthy role models as grandparents and this woman does not fit the bill.

You do not have to tolerate her for your daughter. Doing so is a mistake because she will simply see her grandmother disrespect you as her mother.

Your partner is key here, what does he think of his mother’s behaviour?. Is he the sort who says , “she means no harm “ or done such guff

You also would not tolerate this from a friend, his mother is no different

Where is your man here, is he afraid of his mother and wants her approval still even though he is an adult?

Do read toxic in-laws by Susan forward as it will further explain the power and control dynamic being played out here.

Post natally you are justified in behaving however you want, there are power instincts at work which are there to protect the baby. In my opinion you might need to have a serious discussion with DP about guidelines for the future.

Ask your dh what is the bare minimum he would see her.. Refuse to have her there unless he is home. And he backs you up 100% or he will be going back with her when she leaves.

You don't have to tolerate her for DD. Children don't benefit from having contact with manipulative liars who undermine their parents.
Stop making the effort. The more you chase and try to appease, the more control you give her. Do your own thing and stop telling her your plans. What she doesn't know, she can't interfere with!
You did well to not let her push you around on her birthday. She brought that situation on herself. And of you want to see your (presumably) nice, normal parents then do so. Don't get sucked into thinking you have to treat them exactly the same & they aren't the same and you are entitled to see your mum more than your mil. If your dh wants to see him mum, that's down to him to organise.

I remember your last thread. Go careful OP, I can see her trying to untangle wedding plans or getting involved and trying to contact caters etc.. behind your back

It so hard. I just smile and ignore everything. I don't initiate or suggest any contact and I limit all visits there. I don't invite her here at all. It's so boring having to deal with it. I give her no power. Don't reward her for being an arse.

No wise words from a wise woman but some from a wise man.

You mentioned it's her way or the highway, choose the latter. She sounds like a complete prick.
Treat her accordingly.

You don't have to bend to her wishes, you're the boss.

@girlwithadragontattoo so can I! Luckily she hasn't asked me a single question about the wedding so is none the wiser as to who is doing the catering etc. If she does ask I will probably lie 😳

I've always felt as a grandma, it is more about the attention the grandchildren can bring her rather than vice versa. She never texted to ask after DD or show any interest in how she was doing, but HAD to be the first person to see her in the hospital and HAD to show her off to her friends at all costs. That's why I don't buy the 'overexcited grandparent' line.

SIL has had similar complaints and warned me what she would be like when there was a baby in the picture. Apparently after her baby was born MIL insisted on holding the baby while SIL ran about dishing up dinner. When SIL put the plates on the table MIL told her to have a smaller portion as she had weight to lose

I think it's going to be a case of minimum contact.