Am I just a spoilt brat?

[ladybumpkin]

Hi, I hope you can help. I think I might just be an adult version of a spoilt brat and should consider myself lucky for what I have. But...here's my situation:
Since getting away from a toxic relationship I've always been very successful, very independent and very happy and fit. Then I met my current partner. I love him and after only a year of being with him I fell pregnant and we've had a gorgeous son. Before I was pregnant I sustained an injury which has meant I have lost my job which was amazing and exciting, lost my fitness and I am now 100% dependant on my partner. I live with him on his beautiful property in his massive house use his top of the range car etc etc things people would kill for...except me. I am now the complete opposite of how I was. Neither of us have family so no help with childcare. I'm not from the area so no friends especially as the property is so remote. His job is agricultural so long hours so I'm dependent on him also to look after our child if I need to do anything by myself. Which is rare. Basically, I'm fat unfit, and my life revolves around my son and what my partner wants. I look after all of the pets which is difficult while looking after a baby as they're all outside and unpredictable. So I have to keep running out and doing a bit if and when I can . It's sounds pathetic as I know people are suffering especially in these times. My life hasn't changed with lockdown. I don't even know what I'm asking I think I just needed to vent that I'm just so unhappy and stuck as I can't do anything to make it better unless I win the lottery. I would never leave him then I'd just have some control of my life by getting help with animals, get my own car etc etc. He's not mega rich as they say asset rich penny poor. He's a good man but quite selfish at times. I can't ask him to give up or change anything as it's all attached to his family.

I don't think you're being a brat! I think you had your life ripped away from you and you're feeling lost and directionless.

You need to find a direction and start making small meaningful steps towards it. Reclaim the drive you had before the universe bloody fucked you over. Don't think you should be happy, accept you're not, but can make changes that will lead to happiness.

Can I ask if your injury left you physically dependent or just financially? If there is no physical barrier to getting fit again then you start there. There's YouTube videos of exercise you can do with a baby or in short burst while dc naps. 15 minutes a day makes a big difference physically and mentally.

As for the pets, how many are there? Can baby (if small enough) be put in a sling while you do this? Would different pens help? If dc is walking them involving them might make it fun for them to feed or groom. Would a routine not be better than if and when you can?

Then there's the direction you're missing from working. There's lots of courses available online for free. Start to think of what kind of business you could set up online and then train for it. Don't think of £ at first, just a direction to go. Something that fulfils you. Or learn a language 10 minutes a day? Or is anything related to your previous career that can be done online with training?

And consider if you are depressed as well as directionless. Having a life you think 'isn't awful' doesn't stop the black dog. Lack of motivation and inability to make changes can be depression.

Life dealt you a shitty hand. Don't accept it - kick back!

@Thingsdogetbetter I've read your response several times since seeing it yesterday and to be honest you have no idea how much you have helped. It's just nice to hear someone else acknowledge it more than anything. I have told my other half how I feel but he asks what he can do. I can't answer. He wasn't the first in the queue for deep emotions so I can't expect much understanding on that front. I explained that his house is obviously his and full of his things - all my stuff is in storage until we build a new house which could be years and years. I just don't feel at home and can't expect him to put his stuff in storage just so I can have a few bits of furniture that's mine. Another issue is that it's a mess. I'm from a very tidy background and due to travelling so much with my old job I am used to living out of a bag. He is the opposite and is very very untidy. The place is a mess. He keeps everything and has so much. I can't move his stuff till he's sorted it. I've had rows about some areas as they effect our son but everything is a battle to keep clean never mind tidy. Yet it's in a beautiful situation etc etc I should think myself lucky. Not one part of my life is me other than my son obviously.
Sorry about the vent there again I just needed to say it. I've taken your advice and trying to take small steps to find me again. The injury was long term physical but I'm going to try and work around it and try and lose weight so I can at least look like me again. I'm trying to think of other ways to have 'wins' too.
Thank you for replying it really did help. You're a lovely person x

and can't expect him to put his stuff in storage just so I can have a few bits of furniture that's min

Actually, I think you can. It's your home too now. You've sound like you feel you have lost pretty much everything that made you feel like you. I don't think asking for some space for some of your furniture is too much at all.

The way you feel is completely rational and understandable. You have enormous losses to cope with as well as being without friends or a husband who is empathetic. To be honest, I think it is amazing you are keeping going at all - all strength to you!

I think the previous posters advice is excellent, especially this Don't think you should be happy, accept you're not, but can make changes that will lead to happiness

You also need to deal with how isolated you are. Are there any village facebook pages where you live? Anyway to connect online with what is happening. When shutdown ends I would recommend getting involved in what is going on in the community around you. If this is your home now, you need to connect, and keep at it. I remember someone posting on a local village facebook page about how she had lived there for several years and had no friends. People posted back inviting her to things going on.

You're the complete opposite of a brat.
This happened to me too xxx
(Well something very similar)
I was from a poor background, rented my house for years, my parents weren't interested in me. I got a good job etc. Had a nice (but lonely at times) life.
Met my partner.
Fell pregnant after he told me he was infertile.
I moved into his palatial home.
All his stuff, all his furniture, all his mess.
I felt like I.was suffocating.
I had the baby.
Had severe PND.
Went back to work but couldn't cope with a baby and my job.
I got a new job on fewer hours.
Then a few years later, just couldn't recognise myself anymore.
We had money, a nice car, lovely home. But I felt suffocated and controlled. Luckily, my name was put on the mortgage and I am therefore planning to leave and take my half of the house. I won't ever be able to claim his pension though etc as we never married.
You need a little secret life of your own. A little job, a gym membership, a hobby. Just something that allows you to be you.
It all sounds so very suffocating and I feel for you because I've been you.
Financially, you are very vulnerable. What can you do to make yourself more financially secure? Will he put your name on the mortgage? Can you tell him you want a break to get your head together and will he help you to rent somewhere just you and your baby for a while so you can think about what you want?
My DP was lovely too.
On the outside.
Now I realise how greedy he is and that he would never have married me because he wants all his wealth for himself, but he was happy to get me pregnant and have me playing housewife.
You must get out into the outside world. Someway. Somehow. Small steps. Xxx

What's preventing you getting your own car/borrowing one? I would make this top priority if at all possible. It means you get a sense of power and control back. It can lead to being able to get to a fitness class, making friendship developments easier etc.

You aren't a brat, you are very brave. It's hard to admit to oneself that you aren't happy. I reckon that acknowledging that is your first step on your way to feeling better.

I felt my life was stolen when I had my first baby. Going from having a good job in London to being unemployed and then subsequently working in a department store for years. Anyway, I wish you good luck. Things that have helped me when I've needed a kick up the arse are listening to motivational stuff like Tony Robbins.

If you are left with mobility issues from injury, you should be able to claim financial assistance for a car.
As you've realised, you are too dependent on your partner, which puts you in a very vulnerable position as a parent. Currently, as not married, if you were to split up, he'd just have to pay a proportion of his income for your child, and if that's not much, you could have big difficulty as his large assess are irrelevant.
As, said, explore what you are able to do in life that might help your income. Are you able to improve your physical abilities by weight control and physio? It's a bit difficult to advise in that are without knowing what injury you had.

Assets lol not assess

You are not being a brat at all. You had a life that excited and fulfilled you and it’s ok to miss that. Particularly if you are still feeling the effects of the injury - things like lack of exercise, low self esteem/self worth, a lack of focus due to career can have profound effects on your mental health. Don’t get me wrong, some people would love to be SAHM but it is not for us all.
The change in my life since lockdown was introduced has been suffocating. I can’t imagine how it must feel to realise you’ve been essentially living in lockdown all this time (if nothing has changed for you).
I feel like my husband’s life has barely changed since lockdown - if anything he’s happy that he doesn’t have to go out to work and deal with people. It is highlighting major cracks in our relationship because I desperately miss life and it’s only been a few weeks for me.
You have every right to want more. Is there any way you can make small steps to getting your fitness back? Join a gym? See a PT who can adapt exercises around your injury. That will give you the feel good and the added benefit of losing weight - a boost before you start to look at next steps.
You are worth it x

I would never leave him

I don't necessarily believe it's about him OP.. it's about you... and perhaps your lifestyle choices following your injury .. it will take time but you can change little things to achieve larger things that will help you become you again... good on you for verbalising these feelings though... better out than in

How big is the house? Is it there a room you can stack all his stuff in boxes for him to sort later? Or a hallway? I know he should be doing this, but fuck it we know he won't and I think your mh is more important than that battle at the moment.

Order a load of big strong boxes and pack it all way. Label it if you're feeling generous "useless shite from south corner of living room" etc. Lol

Use it as your daily exercise! (Personally I'd be sneakily binning some stuff as I went!). Play your music while you do it. Dance around as you claim some space. Celebrate your actions. Get dc involved - Little kids have an awful habit of breaking things! Lol

Even if you feel you can't swop your furniture for his, it's surprising how cushions, lamps, pictures etc can make it feel more like your space too. Pack some of his up and replace with yours (buy new if you can't get to your original stuff) - again be sneaky, if you think he won't agree do it as 'a lovely surprise' for him. Little by little.

If he's like my husband it'll take him weeks or months to notice anyway - took him a month to notice the bright red throw covering his disgusting, but beloved, sofa!

I do realise this is all advice on how to be 'sneaky', but it's not with malicious intent. It's to harmonise the family. And it's not just for your good, it'll help dc and him too.

I agree with @Thingsdogetbetter about claiming some space. You've every right to do so.
I was worried to change anything for a while,but after a year or two, I definitely claimed some space- it's the very least you deserve.

I dont have any better advice than already given but I wanted to say I don't think for a minute that you're a brat