Seriously considering leaving the father of my 3 kids

[Noellyj]

It feels strange typing this because I've never spoken my thoughts aloud to anyone. I have always put up a protective, 'I love him and everything is fine' front not only to others but to myself also.

Quarantine has allowed me space to self reflect and thus this feeling/ thought/tiny desire that has almost always been in me has been steadily growing: to end things once and for all and ask him to leave.

A bit of backstory:
I met my OH as a teenager. It was a whirlwind romance and we became pregnant very soon on in the relationship (I don't think it was even a full month after dating).

We have 2 DSs and 1 DD ranging from 12 to 4.

At the beginning we were madly in love and very much in the honeymoon phase. This began to rapidly dwindle when our first DS was at the 3yo mark. My OH would regularly stay out all night with his mates and not make the bed and there were a lot of cheating "rumours". The rumours had been so prolific that it was hard to believe his denials. Especially as when confronted he had been known to laugh it off or become aggressive towards the person relaying the information to me.

When we first met he was somewhat of a "bad boy" which I'll admit attracted me being young and naive.

Now, as a 31 year old woman, I crave dependability and trust and a good stable role model to my children and although they love him I can't help but feel I've let them down.

Summertime 2018 I was messaged on FB by someone claiming her friend had slept with my OH on several occasions and they were having a fling and that they had only just found out about me - sure. I had never had a cheating claim this direct before and my body flooded with adrenaline.

Of course my OH denied he knew this woman but she had already shown me text messages and they were from his number so his denial made me even more irate. He eventually admitted it but of course diminished it and implied most of it was made up which I wanted to, but couldn't allow myself to, believe.

I initially broke up with him and kicked him to the curb but he begged me back, crying, told me I was the love of his life, that he would never let another man raise his children etc etc etc and so, with the kids pleading, I took him back.

Not long after I took him back he took me away on holiday, proposed and I accepted.

We were arranged to be married this May and for obvious reasons the wedding has been postponed.

Since Lockdown my OH has on several occasions gone out to see his mate (I know, it's awful, I have asked him not to but he does) after his mate called (I heard and am familiar with his voice) and he would not come home into late at night leaving me to do the parenting and then stew in paranoia.

I can't help but wonder if having to postpone the wedding has been a blessing in disguise. A huge part of me has stayed with him because I am embarrassed that if I leave I will prove to everyone who thought it would never work that they were right. He is also a very loving, protective father and I know the kids would be heartbroken if I kick him out but I don't know if I can take a lifetime of always wondering if the only reason he's with me is because I put a roof over his head and that no matter how many beautiful children I give him or how loyal and supportive I am it'll never be enough to have his full respect.

Understandably I am scared and unsure. How could I cope as a single mum? Where would he live? Would anyone want me? Will I look like the idiot who couldn't make it work out?

I would be grateful for an outsiders perspective and any advice particularly from anyone who has experienced something similar.

Thank you🧡

If reliability, responsibility and fidelity are important to you then you are with the wrong man. This is who he is, babies didn’t change him and marriage certainly won’t.

You are worth more than this and only you can make the decision to stop accepting less.

Don’t double down on past errors of judgment by marrying this man.

I would kick him out for seeing his friend during lockdown. He’s putting you and his children at risk.

He sounds like a knob anyway.

Don’t worry about what others may think, your happiness is worth more.

I can't help but wonder if having to postpone the wedding has been a blessing in disguise.

Maybe not even in disguise?
Your main concerns seem to be:

1. What ''others'' will think of you
2. The wellbeing of your children

Quite frankly if you do decide to end it then "others" should bugger off if they want to gossip or place judgement on why it hasn't lasted.
However, I honestly think people don't care as much as you imagine and if anything are probably wondering why you haven't left him already.

As for the wellbeing of your children it's abundantly clear that you've considered that and you've put yourself 3rd place in order to keep your relationship glued together so that he can be present in their lives and in return he seems to treat you like a fool and a mule with sporadic "you're the love of my life" "marry me" 's thrown in the mix to placate you.

Your children will come to understand and even respect you for leaving when they get older. The message you can send to your DC is that a relationship requires mutual respect and if it isn't given and the same mistakes are made time and time again, then you gather yourself respect and leave.

Alternatively if you decide to stay with him please draw some boundaries. He can't just fly off into the night and leave you to make the tea and run the baths and put them to bed by yourself.

He can't just pop a ring on your finger, pat you on your head and then carry on as usual once he thinks you've been sufficiently sedated with promises and the offer of his surname, finally.

Men often think they can apologise with a ring and women will be all:
Swoooon he's finally allowed me to change my last name to his swooOooon

Nope. It's 2020. Not 1955.

Good luck and whatever you decide pleasehold your head high and do it for You this time.

He's a cheater.

You've had one proven affair, and all the earlier stuff sounds likely too. Sounds like too many "rumours", combined with his staying out all night, and what he's actually been caught doing with the woman whose mate contacted you ... Seems very likely he's been cheating all along. I'm sorry.

He will either;

• stop/change as he gets older. You got together v young and got into having kids/serious responsibility very quickly.

Or

• continue because that's who he is.

The second is quite likely and it's a big risk to hope for the first.

If he’s a great father then he still will be when you live apart.

Your children are young and will adapt well to living with him half the week.

What’s your housing situation? Do you both work ?

Does he have any assets?

If he doesn't, you'd be better not to bother marrying him when your wedding is rescheduled. If he does, probably best to marry and divorce at a later point.

He is also a very loving, protective father

I e said this before on this forum and I'll say it again.

A man who mistreats the mother of his children, including cheating, is - by default - not a great father.

Any mistreatment, including cheating, causes the mother to be stressed, upset, down, anxious, distracted, insecure, unhappy, often get depressed etc etc. - which, no matter how much she tried to hide it and not let it affect her, does affect her and therefore affects her mood, parenting etc. Children are very very naturally perceptive. They don't miss things.

If he is a good father aside from that - and we tend to have very low standards for a man to be considered a good father- then he can and will be a good father separated/divorced.

Thanks everyone. I feel very emotional reading these.

He has no assets
He's a landscape gardener and I'm a self employed hairdresser. I work from a cabin in my garden. I could afford to go it alone I'd just have to up my hrs which is possible as I'm in "high demand".

Re comment directly above about lower standards for men and what makes them good fathers. I say this to my friends but haven't applied it to myself and my oh so thank you for reminding me. You're right the bar is so much lower for men and his behaviour has left me a shell of who I once was.

His dad was the same and cheated relentlessly on bis mum so I realise now that if I stay that's what I'm in for.

Thank you.

I could afford to go it alone I'd just have to up my hrs which is possible as I'm in "high demand".

That's really good.

You get 85% if childcare paid for as a single mum working (registered daycare or child minder).

You might get UC, he should pay child maintenance, speak to citizens advice if you're it sure from checking online.

*not sure

His dad was the same and cheated relentlessly on bis mum so I realise now that if I stay that's what I'm in for.

Sounds like it's in his genes (there really is a cheating gene, unbelievably) or his "blueprint" at the very least.

Doesn't sound hopeful for him to stop.

his behaviour has left me a shell of who I once was.

you still sound very strong op.

As to someone else wanting you ... Plenty of women get into good second partnerships but you do have to be very careful.

It shouldn't be 'would anyone else want me?", it should be "would I want anyone?" and "they'd have to prove themselves to be a very good partner". Take that very slowly when it comes to it. You have your kids there's no rush/, pressure to have kids like there is for some women. You can take your time, and give yourself a good time out to recover.

My aunt and her cheating ex husband divorced (30s I think, maybe even 20s) with two kids, she dated and had a few unsuitable relationships that to be honest she'd have been better not having .. in her 40s (I think) she met a man who was divorced with adult children following his wife cheating on him; they are so well suited, so settled and happy, had a lovely wedding .. he's a great partner to her.

Do what your instincts are telling you, I was in the same boat, multiple times heard of the cheating etc, after 15 years one day I finally snapped and told him to leave, I've never looked back since and it was the best decision I've ever made and 2 years later flew by, it's now been 3 years this June and I dont regret a thing, yeah I did panic about being a single mother, how would I cope not being able to work with them being young, money worries etc, yes the kids got upset in the beginning but they learn to adapt and understood, I felt like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulder, yeah I dealt with alot of abuse and threats off him afterwards, then the drunk calls trying to get back with me, ended up throwing the house phone away lol, seeked advice from womens aid for the verbal abuse and threats that were thrown, it's been a long road but it was worth it, if it's what you want, do it, but dont let them work their way back in saying they've changed blah blah because that's bullshit in my case, but just wanna say it was the best thing I ever did and this was in my head for nearly 2 years, thinking shall I just deal with this for the sake of my kids, in the end I couldn't do it no more

“Since Lockdown my OH has on several occasions gone out to see his mate (I know, it's awful, I have asked him not to but he does) after his mate called (I heard and am familiar with his voice) and he would not come home into late at night leaving me to do the parenting and then stew in paranoia.”

Such a sense of entitlement: despite the rules and thousands dead from COVID-19 including medical staff who are paying WITH THEIR LIVES for trying to save other people’s, he thinks he can ignore the rules and go out. And this is just one manifestation of his sense of entitlement - his affairs are another. And in all honesty - how often does he need to see his mate? Could his mate be giving him an alibi?

It really sounds like it would be a mistake to get married - and FGS don’t do it because you want to prove to people that you can make it despite having got together so young. That’s immature thinking and you clearly aren’t immature - you sound great and a terrific role model for your DC. And honestly, people will not care that much. You’ve got 3 lovely DC, you’ve made a good go of a life together but you need a partner you can trust and it’s not him. There’s no reason why you can’t co-parent successfully but why should you compromise by staying in a relationship where your DP cheats on you? You deserve so much better and so do your DC. Better to be alone than badly accompanied.

He's not worth marrying and he's not going to stop cheating on you. He might just get better at hiding it.

Could you live apart for a few months and see how you feel ? If he is a good father that won’t change .

He seems like a burden, sorry.

I was with my ex partner from 15-32 and was so mortally embarrassed to leave him because of what people would think that our relationship just dragged on miserably. Yes there was happiness, fun, laughter, travelling but there was also lying, going to the pub constantly, drug taking and CHEATING.

I'm sooo bloody glad I did kick him out. It was tough at first and for a while I felt like I'd broken my own heart but I knew I could no longer live and die that way and it looks like you're reaching the same conclusion.

It will start out tough but it will get easier and then it will feel like utter freedom.

I even had girlfriends (also trapped with cheaters) who suggested I try and make it work at the time and who are now still in those pathetic relationships with men that are more like teenagers half the time and I'm like WOW howww do they do it!? It's so miserable.

Time will heal the heartache, the kids will be fine and if anyone asks you what happened you can tell them "Life".

Here's a question for you (we already know the answer):
If he caught you cheating would he stay?
What about if he caught you cheating after hearing repeated rumours about it and on top of that you spent Quarantine leaving him with the children whilst you visited a "friend" until night time. Pahaha. You'd be long gone! He. Wouldn't. Think. Twice.

I hope that in 10 years from now you're lounged on a beach in Capri with some gfs or your kids or your new wonderful bf and you can look back on this you, toss your head back and laugh. Believe me, it can be done!

I've just seen this and wanted to jump on, I've seen my husband in a completely new light too since lockdown, he's been going to his brothers and since we argued about it he's completely gone now...his clothes are still here, he hasn't been back for 3 days...
I've found that our morals in life are completely different...lots of other things have happened since we got married, drug taking, being an arse whilst all the time blaming me..
I've been reading some responses on here and some resonate with me.
I've taken the decision to end it now...really hard and especially through lockdown...

OP- it's completely your decision but think hard with a clear mind xx

You're so young.

Yes, I'd dump him without a second thought.

Your kids will get through it - especially if you are as honest as is reasonable with them. Don't trry and 'protect' them from the whys and wherefores - he will use that to gain sympathy and mess with their heads. You probably will need to tell them that while you have love for their dad and will always support their relationship, he HASN'T been a good husband and you are, and always will be, very unhappy with him. The best thing to do is go separate ways, and it's wrong of him to try and whip them up to try and force you to take him back.

Just because his mate phoned him, it doesn't mean that's where he's gone to.

This is probably the one advantage of corona virus that you don't have to marry this complete creep.

Ladies thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I can't tell you how cleansing this feels.

I just plonked myself in the hammock in the garden and had a good long think and private to myself (oh playing on the computer and drinking a beer totally unaware/ doesn't care that I've been feeling low all day 🙃) LOs entertaining each other inside.
I have made my decision. I'm going to ask him to leave. I'm unsure if I'll do it now or after lockdown but I'm going to do it. I know it will be hard but I feel like the living dead half the time anyway.

Just knowing I've made up my mind has given me steam and a hope. And pride tbh. Thank you all so so much 🧡🧡

Well done OP. I’m glad you feel better now you have some clarity about the way ahead.

Glad you've made that decision - you'll be much happier without him.

Good for you, OP! You will flourish without him - you can't stay with someone who has you feeling like the living dead any of the time, let alone half of it. Onwards and upwards!