I'm failing my children. I can't cope

[88ineedhelp]

My mental health is fragile and i'm struggling to be a good enough parent to my two children. I have an almost three year old who has autism and a one year old. I have PTSD, postpartum depression and suffer from panic attacks.

DC1 is a lot to handle, he is aggressive to his younger sibling and has meltdowns that last for hours. He can't communicate so he just screams and hits. He screams and damages the property, he has broken my oven door and throws heavy toys around. He pinches and bites. I finally managed to source him a special needs nursery to get him the support he needs but now due to the lockdown we just don't know when he'll be able to start.

I'm not sleeping well most nights due to my PTSD and when i do manage to get some sleep i'm plagued with nightmares and wake up every hour rendering me exhausted and sickly during the day. I feel very unwell today.

I was having therapy but that came to an end a fortnight ago and i'm now slipping again. My therapist thought i was doing well now, but clearly i'm not.

DH works alot so the majority of childcare falls to me and i'm not coping.

I lost my patience with my eldest this morning and shouted for him to just stop, which of course set him off more.

DH comes through to see what the problem is to find me in tears and DS throwing a plate of food around the room screaming having a tantrum, that in turn makes the youngest cry.

Please somebody tell me what to do, i can't manage. I'm having thoughts that they're better off without me.

I've namechanged for this post, im embarrassed

Oh my goodness OP I just wanted to say there is nothing wrong with you and most of us would massively struggle to cope with that.

I struggled with "normal" toddler tantrums on top of having a baby and little sleep, and that was without autism, meltdowns and lockdown. I have such sympathy for you.

My mental health is also massively affected by lack of sleep. Can your DH have them e.g. on weekend mornings (or another time depending on his hours) so you can catch up a bit? This was lifesaving for both of us at the toddler + baby stage.

Also I'm no expert here but I'm just thinking how some children with SEN are being offered school through lockdown - can you get in touch with local agencies and push and push for your son to get some kind of childcare to get you some respite? Might not be possible I know. Best of luck

Thank you disappearing, that's kind of you. I wasn't going to write the whole backstory as despite my post I do try not to dwell on it but I think it's important people contributing to the thread know there is a reason for this and I'm not just being selfish.

Physically I haven't totally recovered, my immune system was wiped out and 11 months later I'm still yet to regain my strength and the ability to fight off the constant bugs and viruses I get in a timely fashion.

DH made me a cup of tea when he got in from work at 7 and told me to have a rare lay in so that's nice. He usually stays up for a couple of hours when he gets in.

I wasn't aware some SEN children are still being offered schooling so I'll be looking into that, thanks. He does have a nursery placement but that nursery is closed so I'm not sure if that complicates things

Sorry hope I'm not talking nonsense re SEN children and school places. I think it's vulnerable children and those with a EHC plan?

From the government website:
www.gov.uk/government/publications/closure-of-educational-settings-information-for-parents-and-carers/closure-of-educational-settings-information-for-parents-and-carers

1.9 Does this apply to special schools?
"We recognise that children and young people with special educational needs and disability (SEND) and their parents and carers are facing numerous challenges as a result of coronavirus (COVID-19). Residential special schools and other special settings should be supported to remain open, wherever possible.

Special schools, colleges and local authorities are advised to make case by case assessments of the health and safeguarding considerations of pupils and students on an education, health and care (EHC) plan. For some, they will be safer in an education setting. For others, they will be safer at home. We trust leaders and parents to make these decisions and will support them as required."

Oh you poor thing still recovering from sepsis as well as everything else x

funnylittlefloozie no need for this language at all, that’s totally uncalled for. It’s not even a piece of advice as obviously the OP has two children and cannot change that now. I just find it hard to comprehend that if you have a busy household and find things difficult as a mum, why add more to the mix.

No, i shouldnt have sworn at you, fmlgirl and i apologise for that. However your post did appear smug and unhelpful - obviously the OP cant change it so why even bother saying it?

I hope you receive a positive response from your GP, let them know how bet it gets for you and with your DS at the worst of times, not just how you're doing at that moment.

And social services can help with positive interventions too to help out, there's definitely an awareness that the current circumstances are exceptional and families are struggling where they otherwise wouldn't. So don't fear that, their involvement could help, or could lead to other help from specialist services.

Just a suggestion, and potentially a hard one, could your DM take in and look after your DD for a couple of weeks till you're able to get support in place and get on top of things? A respite of sorts, of your DS's triggers, if you could emotionally be away from your DD?