I don’t know what is happening in my relationship

[Thighdentitycrisis]

I’m very confused and not sure what to think

Been in LDR for 2 years, very loving relationship, we speak most days, but we do argue sometimes and when we do I am quite fierce, which sends DP to ‘shut down’. You could call it silent treatment or withdrawal. I
have told him this and the potential for it makes me anxious around him and he has told me that my temper (only verbal and no name calling) is an aspect he can’t see beyond. But we have both tried to improve.

Anyway, on Monday he raised this again as I had raised the issue that we weren’t really communicating apart from trivial stuff. We didn’t argue. I asked him if he wanted me to end our relationship and he said no. We left it rather flat. Since then we had not spoken or texted the next day, he called me on the Wednesday but again we only spoke about daily stuff and work. It felt like he was making an effort to call and was disappointed in me. Yesterday I texted a few times and he replies always as he is a stickler for manners in that respect.

I guess I feel like he has told me he is fundamentally unhappy with this aspect of my personality, more than once, but doesn’t want to end the relationship, and where does that leave me?

I’m sorry if this is long but just writing it out is helpful for me

so no, I don't have a history of any friends ever calling me out on this
or calling me a bully. so when he calls me that I stand my ground and say if I was a bully, I would have been called out on it before now, I am 53 for gods sake.

I want to thank everyone for their responses.
It's really helping me to think things through and get some feedback on what might be going on.

I agree that we both need to improve our communication skills

Do you know how to validate each other?
It is a skill you can learn.

Try reading this article as it is about behaviour that causes arguments :

www.alturtle.com/archives/172

@Orangers
Thank you for the link, I have been reading on the site and finding it a mine of information

I know a man who says similar things to your partner but I am not sure if it is a similar situation - if it is, she is gradually destroying him, to be honest, and I don't think she has any idea as most things are centred around her personality and needs - which would be either "fierce" sometimes or insecure at other times and asking for his forgiveness. The "fierce" arguments are difficult because they aren't reasoned debates, more subjective.

It feels like their friendship runs on a cycle where she can be really nice and easy going and down to earth, and there is then an argument and sheliterally rips him to pieces, going for the jugular, saying things that aren't true which she then downplays or denies afterwards and when he runs for the hills to escape, picks himself up or gets picked up by his friends again, starts to be happy again, she then accuses him of silent treatment, and he is very badly affected by it, but she then pursues him to continue the relationship and he eventually gives in.

The law of averages would suggest that this isn't you, but if any of that rings a bell, then please tread carefully as it is having a terrible affect on him and a knock on affect on his other friendships and relationships!

I am the same personality as you ,OP. And yes , it is a problem. I know that I am in the right , but it is the tone and forgetfulness that comes across so badly . And then you use all credibility .
He on the other hand , hates confrontation and claims up.
Both of our behaviour is due to the way we were raised, according to our marriage therapist.

We are currently I'm a bad place , due to him cheating. One of the reasons he cites is that she is " nice ". Bet she is !
Most of my anger was frustration , desperately trying to get some positive communication going.

I guess he either has to accept you as are , or you have to be honest with yourself and think that perhaps you could make changes for the better.

Could it be possible that he's trying to control your behaviour by stealth, in a passive but underhand way? It sounds like after pushing your buttons initially ( you say you've only been like this with him) so you get agitated somewhat, he's then complaining that he can't discuss his own opinions with you. Either he has set this situation up to control you ( you feel like you now need to avoid topics) or indeed , you are controlling him and making him feel like he can't discuss topics with you freely.
The bottom line is that you are now both in a situation where there's awkwardness around talking freely on both sides, this is not a good base for a relationship.

@Stillfunny I know that I am in the right this is a really telling statement, you know. Firstly for many people who is right and who isn't is wrong is often not the most important thing, and they choose their battles and only argue it out if it is really important. Secondly, in many areas "right" is highly subjective and it really is difficult discussing anything with someone like this, especially if they cannot call upon anything objective to back up their rightness. Fifthly, for most people who like a good argument, they like the debate as they like to learn other people's point of view whereas it sounds you dismiss other views out of hand as you know you are right? And fourthly, needing to be "right" indicates that you want to control the other person and the relationship? But - and this is a big but - as you say, you know your personality, and accept yourself for what you are, which is fine. On the other hand, he has cheated with someone "nice" so are you supposed to take from that he thinks that you are not nice?! Why on earth are you still with him?

That should be "firstly, for many people who is right and who is wrong"

He lets me know he thinks I am a bully, an arrogant and domineering

You say he shuts down . I’m guessing because he feels that you are going to try to beat him into submission ( verbally I mean ).
Maybe time for you to find someone who is able and willing to engage with you in a similar way, as in happy to fight their corner and not withdraw into themselves ,sounds like you aren’t terribly compatible long term

Oh yes , I get that what you are sayingyoungnick. .. " Would you rather be right than happy ".I guess what I meant was that I feel that I have a legitimate cause to be upset about.

And yeah , I think he was referring to her being quiet and " nicer" . I use to tease him that he should have married a nice , boring English girl ! No offense to English woman , just opposite of me ( brash NYer). But he knew this and we are married 30 years , so I cant have been all bad.!

And I do have insight into my faults and was trying to encourage OP to see if she could perhaps be honest with herself and see if her guy is partially right.

You did well to even understand my post, it was really badly written, not sure where "fifthly" came from, lol. Can I just ask, though, why are you forgiving him for cheating?

No , not forgiving at all. At the moment he is still in the house , due to money , elderly relative and returned daughter , but it is a big house , separate bedrooms , etc.
Just biding my time until we can seperate . It is difficult but the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. So I just despise him and plot my escape !

Ah, I understand now. Good luck with your escape! I am not sure about despising..can you let go of all negativity?! Maybe a zen belief that he is no longer of importance to you at all?! Whether you were brash or not there is no excuse for dishonest cheating!

I don't think so. I guess I know that I will NEVER forgive him , as I always said that there is no reason to cheat. And that it would be a deal breaker for me.
I am calmer than before which comes with time and therapy.