Ex Partner wants to move his girlfriend in - impact on our four year old.

[user1476349587]

My ex partner and I are currently sharing care of our four year old son due to the coronavirus lockdown between our two different houses.

My ex partner met someone six months ago and now wants to discuss with me the possibility of moving her in to his house as they can't see each other due to the lockdown restrictions. He says she is lonely as she lives on her own. He wants to discuss how to best minimise the impact on our son.

My son has never met my ex-partner's new girlfriend (nor have I), I've never introduced our son to any other partner. So for my son the only two people in his life are his mum and dad. I'm worried about the impact this is going to have on my son as he has already had to deal with lots of disruption by not being able to go to nursery or see other friends. Also is this allowed officially given we are in lockdown? At the same time I feel guilty and that I am being selfish.

What do others think? The whole proposal is making me depressed to be honest. I feel lonely too as the only other adult person I currently see is my ex-partner!

People are allowed to move home so I guess it’s “allowed”.
Tbh it’s not even a quarantine issue for me it’s the fact he’s never met her and then they would be in the same house- no way. If a woman was moving a man in it wouldn’t be acceptable

Is this due to the safety issue or psychological impact issue?

For health reasons I'd say if this is what he's going to do m, they quarantine themselves from your dc for 14 days

As for the fact your dc has never met this person before, it might be worth discussing how you can introduce gradually, it's not really fair for the first introduction to be 7 days long. Might want it to be a few hours at his house at a time, then a day, then an overnighter etc

Your dc place at Dads is a safe place, it's going to be very confusing for there suddenly be someone new day and night

Also depends if the 50/50 agreement helps you work etc, will be difficult for you to have 24/7 for 14 days if you are using the time your dc is away to work. Also if you do a staged introduction that's more time with you and you will have less time to work. If you're not working then it should be fine

It would be more disruption for your child. Your ex should be thinking of the little one at this time

That's ridiculous, they've only been going out for 6 months.

If she does move in, will telling your DC that she's just daddies friend work?

His girlfriend might be lonely but she is an adult - she can cope.
I would ask your ex partner to prioritise the welfare of your son.

The problem is that with the current restrictions it's officially either all or nothing - you either move in with your partner for the duration of the lock down or don't see them at all. So no phased introduction would be possible.

Your son is 4, so you can have a discussion with him about it. I would say that he needs to be given a few days to discuss it with him so it doesn't come a shock. Maybe there could be some Facetiming so he can introduce her, and present her as something new but positive in his life.

At the same time, your 3x needs to reassure that his girlfriend is mature and selfless enough to understand that she is not taking his place in your ex's affection, that she will need to accept that their habits any be disrupted even if they don't fit with her expectations, and that he is not a toy to play with, but schools, with feelings, who won't care that much about her being there.

Saying all that, he might very well be very happy to have another person there. You do owe your son to let him give it a try and see how it goes.

It sounds like he’s being considerate here, by talking to you about it, rather than just ploughing ahead with his decision. It’s been a long time already for his GF and him not to see each other so I can understand why it’s come to a head now. I’m living apart from my DP and would move him in here in a heartbeat if he was living alone.

6 months is too quick to move someone in under normal circumstances, but this is not normal and we all have to do whatever we can to make it work. They’re clearly serious about each other to consider this. Being locked down isn’t easy for anyone, whether being forced to spend all day together or not seeing each other at all, so it may not be without problems, but what is at the moment?

His other options would be not to see her and allow her to become depressed and isolated, or to break the rules and meet up anyway while still living apart.

Would you be ok with the latter? Because that’s what many in his situation are doing. It’s just unfeasible to expect relationships to wither and die due to rules which don’t allow for any contact between people who are low risk.

I know it’s annoying - the idea that my DP can spend time with his ex and not me is so unfair, and I know she’ll be meeting up with friends and blatantly ignoring the rules, whereas I’m not, so am much lower risk than her, not going out to work, DCs staying home, only the odd shopping trip to expose me.

I think like all things shared-care, you have to be open to a sensible grown up conversation about it, listen to what he’s got to say, and realise that you don’t have a right to blanket ban anything he does on his time, just as you wouldn’t want him to have that power over you.

You have no automatic right to meet the GF before (or even after) she meets your DS. As hard as that is, so your only concern here is how it will affect your DS to have someone new around while he’s there.

Have the chat with him, express your feelings about it and see where you end up.

Personally I can’t help thinking your DS could benefit from another adult around, who will presumably make your ex happier and more fun to be around than if he’s pining away for her and worrying about her. Sad to say, dads often put on a better show of being a parent when they’ve got someone to impress too!

The problem is that with the current restrictions it's officially either all or nothing - you either move in with your partner for the duration of the lock down or don't see them at all. So no phased introduction would be possible

I think the PP’s point was that your DS could go for a day or two initially rather than 7 days, to get used to the new person.

As a general principle, family courts tend to decide that each parent is entitled to introduce whoever they like - friends, family, new partners - to the child during their time with the child, in the absence of major safeguarding concerns (like them being a known child abuser). If you refuse, your ex might decide to go to court for a Child Arrangements Order, and the court is unlikely to prevent your ex introducing a partner he's been in a relationship with for 6 months.

Legally you don't have much say here, so I'd suggest you keep things amicable and try to find a compromise. Perhaps you could suggest ex introduces his new partner via Facetime during his next block of contact, and you could see how that goes?

Do try to support your child to have a positive relationship with the new partner. Don't interrogate your child about everything she does and says, and don't criticise her to your child or show your child that you're upset (if you are upset).

He's being ridiculous. They've only been together for 6 months and your son hasn't even met her yet, so how is adding a stranger to the household a good idea? He clearly cares more about a grown adult being temporary 'lonely' than the impact on your son. Now is not the time to bring someone new into his life.

Your ex’s partners needs are already coming before the needs of your child.

It’s not a good start is it?

He says she is lonely as she lives on her own

In other words, he's missing a shag.

Lockdown isn't forever. Unless she has some huge issues about being on her own, then she just has to put up with it. Do the whole 'introducing Daddy's friend' when it's not such a pressure cooker of emotions and being unable to get away if things go wrong.

What the Hell is he playing at? He's not thinking of his son at all in this. 1, he doesn't know her from Adam, so how does he know what she's like around children? 2, your son hasn't even met her and now he wants to move her in and expect your son to be OK with it 3, your son may or may not be aware of the virus, and if he is, he might be anxious about it so why add to the anxiety by forcing a new person into his home.

Sorry you're going through this. You're right to have your concerns. If he's going to di it anyway, you're going to have to prepare your son yourself.

He isn’t thinking of your child at all.

There’s no way of minimising impact. If your relationship is good I would ask him to reconsider until a time when a more phased introduction is possible.