Finding hidden alcohol

[mumof2under2sohelpmegod]

So please, tell me thoughts on finding empty beer cans and bottles around the house, properly hidden (in a hole under bathtub for example) by your husband.
Is a legitimate reason- I thought you'd be annoyed if i drank in front of you? If you thought someone would be annoyed at you drinking would you do it anyway and hide it? Am I the crazy one here?
X

Its nice that you want to support him but if you don't know the extent of his drinking then it's not a good idea for him to just stop (if that's the plan)

Be warned though if he does get sober - he might decide to change all other aspects of his life and could also be a totally different person and it might not be what you expect or want or like.

Alcoholics are often co-dependent and when they get sober realise they don't need the complications of a relationship.Not trying to be negative but think you should prepare yourself for the relationship not necessarily surviving this either way.

I really think you should both seek professional support with this because it could get really tough for you both but I really hope it works out.

Well right now I don't have any choice but to support, unless anyone can tell me different? I'm trying to not argue because I have to live with him in a lockdown, it's been intense and honestly my brain cannot handle a row to be brutally confrontational and stick a harsh reality on him, purely because of how it'll affect me and then my children. So, like I said, any positive stories out there to help?
Yes, I'm going to contact Al-anon etc tomorrow, I've already been on their website today and I have a scheduled call tonight so tomorrow it's my to do, regardless of whether he's going to do anything about it. I'm also going to start a diary so that if it ends up in divorce I've got a record of everything.
X

Is he making contacts with Alcoholics Anonymous? Al-Anon is for you as the relative of the alcoholic. AA is for him to help him overcome his active addiction. If he's just saying he'll go sober without actually seeking major help, he will fail. Or he will be lying.

I understand you want to give him a chance, I do. I gave my late husband chances too. But be prepared for the worst, unless he takes this really, really seriously. If he's at the hiding empties stage, it's already very bad.

OK that sounds much more realistic and determined OP. From what I can gather you and even more so he, need outside help to stand any chance. Please continue to access it. Al-anon is there precisely to help people in your situation.

Just from experience I did 5 yes 5 separate home detox with my ex husband. He then decided I was the reason he drank - not true - and had an affair and left me penniless and with a sick child. It’s not about you and what you do together, by all means support but I’ll warn you now that his addiction will take its toll on you! He needs to sort himself out or you need to decide if you can live with an alcoholic who falls off the wagon in secret - it’s a terrible disease

I am the daughter, granddaughter, niece and cousin of alcoholics.

For your children’s sake get out now!

You cannot save him, only he can do that and only if he chooses to.

It is a miserable, unstable, toxic existence for children living with an alcoholic and increases THEIR risk of becoming addicts too. Some studies say 3-4 times more likely from what I’ve read. The exact reasons why are complex.

My sister is also an addict.

I have major mental health issues as a result that in all likelihood I will never significantly recover from. My brother is functioning at the moment but I worry he too will succumb to mh issues in the future.

At the very least separate until he is off it for a significant amount of time and is properly in recovery.

None of the addicts in my family that managed to gain meaningful recovery did so without hitting a major downward spin. Also none of them did it alone.

There are various methods and programmes, different things work for different people. But the ones that gained and maintained sobriety long term kept doing whatever it was that worked for them, be that AA, church recovery groups, gp led recovery programmes or whatever. And I’m talking decades later not weeks or months.

It NEVER goes away totally and even addicts no longer partaking of the substance can still be addicts (google “dry drunk”)

It is not just not drinking that = true sobriety.

Honestly as I said initially? I think the best thing is get the hell out now!

There is no WE when it comes to alcoholism totally agree with this.

There is NOTHING that YOU can do about this. “Going sober together” is a fantasy.

Your posts are full of what you’re doing - what’s he doing?

There’s a book I recommend you read which I think very accurately describes/shows addiction from an addicts perspective, I think it’s so accurate because it is written by an alcoholic.

It’s described as “chick lit” and is funny and entertaining but there are points that really hit home.

Rachel’s holiday by Marian Keyes.

Other books may be recommended and may be more “hard hitting” but I think the reason why this one works is because the “world” in the book is pretty normal! The protagonist (and her family) is someone we can easily recognise.

The 3 truisms about having a relationship with an addict

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You cannot cure it.

Hi OP, I've been in AA for many years. We're still doing Zoom meetings during lockdown so your husband should be able to access all the resources available - if he googles AA in your area, there should be links. There is also a 24 hour helpline where he can talk to recovering alcoholics.

It is he and not you who must do all this, because unless he wants to stop drinking with every fibre of his being, and is prepared to go to any lengths to do this, it will not work. It's great that you want to support him, but he is the addict here and the only person responsible for his issues and therefore finding a solution.

I have seen men and women reach a horrible point in their lives and never drink another drop. Then too, others who can easily stop for a few weeks or months, think they're fixed and can drink moderately again (they can't) and get stuck in a painful never ending cycle, and those who pretend to stop but just become more secretive in their drinking.

Alcoholics lie. Your husband is unlikely to be honest with you, but he might be to another alcoholic - that's why we have meetings. He can recover if he really wants to but, as above, it's in his and only his hands.

Believe them ^^

This is not something you do together. You don't have a problem. What he has just done is co opt you, make you own part of his problem.

Now, whenever he fails you will have too and he can happily start again, with you both making renewed promises he won't keep.

Only you will be trying to change anything.

Find your local All Anon, go online, start today. You will be surprised how much you will realise in a very short time.

Look after you and the kids. Good luck

Thank you everyone!! I honestly really appreciate all of your input. I called the family support line and no answer or call back, so I called AA and asked for help and a guy spoke to me for ages and really really helped!
I asked him if essentially I had cause for concern and is there like a spectrum, in my head I think I'm just trying to categorise and understand like a medical definition. What he said was basically that you can't define it, there is no black and white, it's in your DNA, either you are or you're not and it's not defined by a quantity or pattern.

Last night hubby said he was going to call AA (after looking them up online) and he's made other positive comments and signs, like telling his mates he's given up drinking (although not gone into detail as to why other than 'makes him feel shitty at the moment') but I don't know when/if the call to AA is going to happen, just have to try remain patient and calm and see what happens really? Like everyone said, nooooothing I can do.
So seems were making a good start, been 3 days and just gotta take one day at a time? X

A little bit of practical advice is don't stop drinking. Just stop drinking alcohol. There are lots of things out there to drink My current favourites are Red Bull, and various flavoured ice teas (not at the same time). And coke, obviously, or bitter lemon and lemonade, or just plain dry ginger with ice, or......