Should I contact him..

[Chubbycheeksblue]

A bit of background.
Met a guy online a few weeks before the lockdown. He’s a widower and has 2 teenage daughters.
Before we met I said I wasn’t sure it was worth it as our matching child free time was very little. Anyway he said he still wanted to meet. Went for a few drinks and dinner - I didn’t feel any attraction but we got on ok. He was very unlike others I seen before, no move to kiss goodnight, etc.
We agreed to keep in touch through the lockdown but his started to get quite needy with his texts - ie if I didn’t reply within a few minutes, saying he needed a chat as he felt down, taking offence when I was going to call someone else. This all made me pull back with the texts and not even want to speak to him on the phone!
This in turn made him text more about it and I said I was happy to keep in touch if he could cope with me not always replying straight away.
This continued for a couple of weeks and we kept in touch and he stopped being pushy and it was nice. Then a few days ago he started complaining that I sometimes took hours to reply. He also said he’d been online to suspend his dating profile and noticed I was online. Id only been going on infrequently and felt a bit sad to see him online a few weeks ago and several times since.
I was really annoyed that he was questioning me on sometime he was doing himself and texted to tell him. He said he was there as he didn’t know where he stood, I took a long time to reply, etc. I haven’t replied - this was a few days ago.
I’m now wondering if I was a bit unfair as he’s probably just lonely and thinking maybe I should text back. But it really riles me that he was doing something he was calling me on. Any thoughts?

Regardless of the red flags all over the place, the minute you realised there was no spark you should've stopped right there. I got in to this exact situation on a date set up by a friend, with a weird needy idiot. It ended up being a 2 year long pity-fuck where I felt sorry for him and he moved in by stealth, took everything I had, then ran off with a friend. Was the best day of my life! Don't ever, ever go back for another go if there's no spark.

No, no need to message again to explain anything. His last message was carefully crafted to look like him sounding normal and deciding to end things, of course he has done this so you will reply. Don’t fall for it. Just block him to remove any temptation to keep replying.
Also, it’s sad if his wife died but it doesn’t automatically make him a nice, decent or reasonable person.

Stormbaby - Yes, totally agree I shouldn’t have seen him again, or even at all ( due to our incompatible free time). Feeling sorry for his situation took over.

Lampam - yes, I think you’re right. I hated the bit where he said I hold a grudge- was merely stating a fact.

Yeah he mentioned the grudge in the hope that you would deny it. Call him bluff by not replying. Ever.

Oh and don’t be surprised if he messages again in a couple of days with a nastier message. That’s why you need to block him, that way you won’t even know about it.

Lampam - i definitely won’t be replying. There’s something quite uncomfortable about the whole thing.
I think it was all there from the start - no attempt to kiss when we left each other, no comments on my appearance, etc

Well, would you believe it? He’s just texted! Just a normal “how are you” type message...
😮

Another attempt to get you to engage with him. Just ignore it.

Ick

Hmmm yes, probably right - but why?!

This might be nothing but ... a friend of mine met a widower in OLD about a year and a bit ago. He had two daughters. His wife had died just under a year before. It sort of fits. ?

He was a v successful guy but he latched on to my friend very quickly, again when she didn't feel a spark. Within a few weeks he was asking her as his guest to a wedding and saying she was coming on a two-week holiday with him and daughters. She had to put him straight and say no thank you. He couldn't really cope - bombarded her with messages, reproachful, then reasonable, doing everything he could to manipulate her and tug at her heart strings. It took quite a while for him to stop.

I'd be careful. Say eg this is me signing off - hope you meet someone for you. Goodbye. Then nothing.

Poncheck that sounds awful!
This guy is nowhere near in that league though!

Why? Because he didn’t want things to end, and especially didn’t like that you lost interest and stopped replying.
He wants you to reply either so he can try and start things up again, or so he can throw a few insults your way and convince himself he has the upper hand.
No good at all can come from you replying to him. Just ignore (maybe also block) and move on. You didn’t even really like him! No point getting sucked back in again.

As I said in a previous post, he is needy and manipulative. Either of those alone is a dealbreaker. He is both.

Hmmm yes, probably right - but why?!

Because you're not playing the game properly.

The real him was the man you saw. The one who chased you because you took too long to reply etc. His response to you telling him it wasn't going to happen was, as others predicted, manupulative and designed to get you to continue engaging to defend yourself.

The "how are you?" type message is because you're on his mind and he's irritated that you haven't replied to defend yourself. He feels your disinterest and that's not what he wants. Not because he has feelings (well, not the sort you'd want him to have) but because he's attempting to control you and you're not responding in the way you 'should'; in the way that he expected you too.

This will work on some women. They would respond with a 'breezy' "not too bad, thanks" message and then he'd know he'd 'got' them. And he'd change his game plan slightly - maybe appear to be less needy or manipulative for a while. But then it would start again in the same or a different form. Maybe 'negging' you. Or promising things he had no intention of delivering.

The 'neediness' has probably worked for him in the past - maybe he plays on some women's compassion or desire to nurture and help him make things right again. Some women interpret that 'neediness' as a sign that "he loves me" or that "he won't ignore me for days on end like the last guy..."

That's why. You did the right thing. Now stay strong.

Oh, and I wouldn't block unless his messages became distressing to read. I like to know where people are at.

Just block his number, he is clearly bad news.

Whaddaya has got it spot on.

You were supposed to reply to his long sign-out by saying sorry. You haven't and that's really irritated him. So now he's going for a supposedly perfectly casual 'how are you?' to draw you back in to his actually very demanding interaction.

He is just awful. His message was laced with passive aggression and reproach. And he is dictating what is ok and not. And throwing all responsibility on you.

And why this is super-crazy is that you don't even fancy or like him. You just felt a bit sorry for him.

He cannot accept that you don't want him, so has put it down to lockdown. ?! (Thank God for lockdown!) Him saying you're nice and good luck was a demand for you to say the same to him and validate him.

Whadda has got it right. Don't block him as you need to keep tabs on what the loon is thinking. I'd close this down v clearly but not block.

Just say 'yes, sorry, I don't think we are well-matched but yes good luck too in the future' and never speak again.

OP I still think it's the same guy as my friend ... !

Stop giving him headspace. Block.

&OPI still think it's the same guy as my friend ... !*

There are an awful lot of people who behave like this!

Whaddy yes I think pressurising people (strangers!!) to answer is a massive red flag!

Thanks for all the replies, really appreciate it. It’s quite hard when you’re a bit lonely in lockdown not to reply but I think your comments and observations are spot on!
I’ve not replied!