Is coronavirus escalating this issue

[Keey]

My partner has been on furlough for 5 weeks and has been drinking daily, had numerous hangovers where he is in bed all day, I have to ask him to help with the washing up etc, as I feel now he is home and getting paid he can help with our young toddler and the household chores, I’m a stay at home mum so these are always down to me. He is also a hypercondriac, so he is drinking more because he is ‘worried and paranoid about getting the virus’ he stays up late smoking in the flat too which I have asked him not to, as he’s not sleeping then could be in bed till sometimes 3pm the next day. I have now found out he has done cocaine, I am so upset, he said he done it down in the car park to our flat, so he wouldn’t of washed his hands when he snorted it after not socially distancing collecting it. I now want him to leave because I don’t know if he has somehow brought the virus into our home. I’m scared and anxious anyway but now feel very alone with this. I want to do right for my child. Any thoughts, am I wrong to be so upset about this? He’s said it was once, history of drugs, alcohol abuse, lying, so I am not convinced it has been once! Thank you

I did not want to read and run. This sounds awful. Do you talk to him about it and what does he says when you do?

Indeed firm up your plans now to leave this man. You can do this and should do this too. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

BTW what is the situation re the flat tenancy; whose name is on this document?.

He should not be around any of you primarily because of his history of alcohol and drug abuse; he potentially bringing in coronavirus is actually the very least of your problems here.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he/she learning here?. This is no life for your toddler either let alone you here; what is that person seeing?. He is seeing a hungover drug addled father figure whilst seeing you as a preoccupied harried woman who cleans up the mess.

Thank you I really appreciate comments. Absolutely we have lots of conversations about alcohol intake, it’s all promises that he will change and sort himself out, this has been going on a long time anyway. He is promising he will sort himself out. My number 1 worry is that if I leave him we will then become co parents and I will have to leave my child with him every other weekend, I feel that by staying I am protecting my child, I can shield him from the drinking, I can take him out and away from seeing his dad being hungover(at the moment that is tricky) but I make sure my child Doesn’t have to see it. If I leave my mil will then have more access to my child, I don’t trust her at all, my partners brother smokes weed too so I worry that my child could be more exposed to that. I honestly feel that by leaving I am letting my son then become the child that will be taken to the pub, left with mil and I won’t even know! She doesn’t have a problem with weed and let’s her other son do it in the flat they share. I really don’t know what’s best, I’m also so aware that by child is going to grow up hearing arguments, not knowing what a happy home is, I do I have a lovely family. Partner has come from split home, abusive alcoholic father.

Words are cheap OP; its actions that matter. Promises to change mean nothing and in the meantime you are still there doing your bit to further enable him. This man is all talk and no action. He is also very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing; all his family are bad news. Ultimately you are going to have to ask your own self why it is you got at all involved with this man let alone have a child by him (who also likely has his surname rather than yours). Did you think you could love him better and or otherwise rescue and or save him?. Wrong on all counts there.

You state you come from a "lovely family"; can you not go back to your parents?. Don't let pride stop you here; your child's and your own welfare is of paramount importance now, not him.

Make no mistake either keey; you are NOT protecting your child by staying with this man for what are really your own reasons. You cannot even protect your own self here from all this let alone your child so stop kidding yourself. This child will pick up on all the vibes at home here, both spoken and unspoken. And what sort of like is this for your child, supposedly your most precious resource?. What is this young person seeing at home?. A drunk dad and a preoccupied mother who is not fully emotionally available to her child because this man is taking up valuable headspace that is what. You really want this for your kid?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.
Are you codependent in relationships OP; it very much seems so. You cannot and must not put his needs before yours here. Do you actually think he will be at all bothered with his child post separation seeing as he does not seem all that bothered now; I ask this as his priorities in life seem to be drink and drugs. Your worries are based on mere supposition and are likely to be wrong.

He's an alcoholic drug user. You don't deserve that and neither do your DC.

I doubt he would want 50/50 contact and if he does you can tell a court all about his behaviour and that of his family. If he gets every other weekend then your DC will have much less exposure to him and to drugs than they do now. xxx

I feel that by staying I am protecting my child, I can shield him from the drinking, I can take him out and away from seeing his dad being hungover( at the moment that is tricky) but I make sure my child Doesn’t have to see it.

The problem with this thinking is that your child will grow up in a dysfunctional environment 24/ 7 and as he become increasingly aware of the dysfunction he will normalise it. Daddy being drunk and shouty and Mummy being scared and placating.

Given his laziness as a parent now, what are the chances of him stepping up when he has more opportunities to be drunk?

Be honest, leaving is scary and you aren’t ready to and ‘staying for the child’ sounds so noble and proactive.

Covid 19 isn’t responsible for his drinking and behaviour, it’s just made it more difficult for you to be in denial about it.

You realise even if you are successfully hiding daddy's behaviour now, (which I doubt to be honest), you won't be able to as the child grows older?

Very fair points, definitely scared about the thought of leaving and the impacts that will have however am realising the bigger picture. My family are 100% supportive I just don’t want to heighten the risk of passing anything on and spreading anything, so that’s my reason for not wanting to get out right now. My child is absolutely my number 1 and perhaps to the outsider it seems like the easiest thing to do is just leave, however emotions and practicalities do come into this. I’m not saying my thoughts are right, otherwise I probably wouldn’t of decided to ask for advise on here, but I do want to do the right and best thing for my child. I have been very naive when it comes to thinking people can change. And had to much faith that he can change and wants to. I must say it has been since the birth of our child that the drinking has become a major issue and has got worse over time
Thanks

keey

re your comment:-
"I just don’t want to heighten the risk of passing anything on and spreading anything, so that’s my reason for not wanting to get out right now"

Honestly, that is a truly weak reason for staying and at heart you know that to be true. He as well is going out and with all and sundry so does not care about any restrictions on movement. It is also permissible and actually encouraged for people to leave their abusers even during these strange times. You have supportive family here, do not let your pride here stand in your way of making a better life for yourself and your child. This man does not care either for your emotions and any practicalities; what he cares about only is his own self and getting his own needs met. The right and best thing for your child is to not keep on subjecting he/she to seeing a drunkard and otherwise drug addled father figure daily whilst seeing you as his/her mother do hand wringing and making weak excuses.

You say your child is your absolute number 1 here; prove that properly by showing your child that abuse is not, and should never be, tolerated in a relationship. Teach that child that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You cannot fully protect your own self from his abuses of you so you cannot protect your child fully from him brutish dad either. I would also suggest you find a counsellor to deal with any and all your issues pertaining to codependency because that state has and will do you no favours here.

There is help and support out there for you; be brave and take it. Do not wallow further in any sense of victimhood here.