I want my husband to move out but I am not in any physical danger.

[MoonBaby1]

He has become increasingly toxic during lockdown. Loosing his temper and shouting at me and the children. He is drinking far too much and smoking weed from the early afternoon. This renders him useless but docile for that duration mostly and then irritable and demanding a quiet house for the earlier part of the morning. This is not possible with young children which means he looses his temper with all of us.

I don’t want us to move out. I want him to. How does this work in a lockdown?

He shouted to the point me and my 6 year old were crying this evening and now I think he knows he has pushed beyond as he is sleeping in the spare room now.

I’d phone women’s aid. He’s upset the children. Ask them for advice.

I may do that tomorrow. Thanks

You and the kids safety is number one. So it will be worthwhile talking to them about a plan. Have you anywhere to go if it gets too much?

Yes, a lot of good friends and family nearby. We are not in acute danger but I feel like it’s too toxic for the children.

Psychological danger matters too. Especially for the DC. Plus, he could escalate to violence very easily. Whose name is the house in?

I’ve felt like this before. It never got physical, but looking back the pressure I was under has scarred me physically and mental,y.

Warning signs are all there. You are listening to your gut feeling so keep on with that.

So much of this is happening lately, the CV situation is only making it worse. I reckon there will be loads of divorces after this. It may be that lock down has finally become too much and women who would have put up and shut up are now thinking "I can no longer tolerate this" which is a good thing at least.

Would help if there’s more info, like whose name the house is in. Whether you have anywhere to go and whether DH has anywhere to go and if either of you have enough savings to move out immediately and start over.

We rent. We moved in temporarily whilst house hunting...three years ago!

I have places I could go but we’re not in danger and I don’t want to leave my house. He has nowhere to go.

Savings are under 3k

Can you afford to pay the rent/bills if he were to agree to leave?

He won’t agree to leave. I asked this morning. However the landlord is a friend and said he’d happily give me a three mon tv rent break at the start of COVID.

I’d probably be duplicitous then, if he’s refusing to leave.

I’d say, “Ok, maybe we could just use some space then. Please would you consider staying with xyz just for a night or two so I can have some space and so the kids don’t bug you?”

Then the second he left I’d change the locks and pack his things. If your landlord is your friend he won’t mind the locks as long as you do it properly at your expense.

I’d also take two thirds of t savings, for you and the kids. And I wouldn’t feel in the slightest bit guilty about any of it. He lost the right to your guilt when he became a drunk verbally abusive stoner.

Is he on the tenancy agreement? If he is then it's allowed to access the house (unless you get police involved and a non-mol order to keep him away).

Best thing to do is explain to the LL and ask if you could renew the tenancy when it's due into your name only. Give your H notice of the new agreement and on the day that the tenancy switches over, get the locks changed.

However if you feel you may be in danger in the meantime, it might be wise to move out temporarily and stay with family/friends until this happens

If he doesn’t want to leave, I doubt you can force him.

Are you able to pay the rent/bills on your own-you didn’t answer?

Maybe it’s best if you found somewhere else to live.

Since I posted he’s admitted he’s been getting off track and is sorry about the constant moods and shouting.

He’s made a conscious decision not to smoke any weed till the evening and has been gardening for hours instead to occupy him.

I’m not being all wide eyed innocence saying ‘he’s a changed man’ and things are great but something got through to him.

It’s strange times and in the absence of actual danger we’ll just see how things are going for now.

Does your friend know that she has a loser smoking weed most days, living in her property? I bet the place stinks as well!

Couldn't imagine she would be too happy.

He doesn’t know. He’s more my friend.

I don’t think it’d go down to well either but that wasn’t really the point of my post.

He’s made a conscious decision not to smoke any weed till the evening and has been gardening for hours instead to occupy him.

What a prince.

I honestly can't imagine trying to bring up children with an addict as a partner. Get your plan together and get rid of him!

I not pretending I’m content with how things are but we’re in the middle of a lockdown and if a few small changes make things easier then so be it.

Since I posted he’s admitted he’s been getting off track and is sorry about the constant moods and shouting.

What convenient timing. You ask him to move out and suddenly he is all apologetic about his behaviour.

He’s made a conscious decision not to smoke any weed till the evening and has been gardening for hours instead to occupy him.

This really doesn't sound as good as you think it does. He will only smoke weed in the evening - but presumably every evening? Meaning that he'll be useless but docile on a daily basis. If he is having to make a conscious decision not to smoke weed then he has a problem. And if he has a problem with it then he shouldn't be smoking it at all.

And if he is gardening for hours, who is helping you with the children? Again, very convenient for him that he takes himself off to do something that he wants and leaves you with all of the shit-work.

You really need to raise your standards. You have an aggressive, lazy stoner living with you. Even with his 'new' standards he sounds a real turn-off.

PS. He can refuse to leave all he likes. If he's given appropriate notice and then does not feature on the new tenancy agreement then he has no right to live there. Meaning that if he's not shifted himself then his stuff will be put outside and the locks changed. End of.