Ethics of keeping a diary?

[AidanMole]

NC as I'd rather not have any identifiable details on a question like this.

I often feel as though I want to write down the experiences I have with DP because sometimes they don't feel 'right', as in I feel he is being abusive in some way (not physically). The main reason why I'd like to keep a note of them is because I'm so worried about what would happen for our very young children if our relationship imploded. I would want to have the majority of custody because of some of the things DP says or does which I feel are harmful to them. These situations are never black and white and I don't think I'd be taken seriously if I didn't have some tangible record of anything happening.

I'm not deliberately trying to be vague, there is a reason why I'm not including the details and that is because I'm so conscious of being seen as trying to 'play a victim', there are always two sides to every story. I just have one question and I have no other impartial people to ask so I'm hoping for a brutal tear-down if that's what I deserve here.

Is it immoral/unethical to keep a diary only of things that you think someone else has done wrong? How would you feel if you discovered that your significant other had kept a diary of times they thought you were 'abusing' them if you thought you were being reasonable and acting like any other normal partner. Would you talk about it with them? Or be worried and upset and angry at that person? I am worried that if it got found out that I was keeping a diary of negative events, it would backfire and make me look worse in the scheme of things. I really hope that any of that makes sense but I am willing to clarify if it doesn't. Help!

A diary is a private journal, it doesn't matter whether what you're writing is "right" or "wrong" - it's personal.

If I found a diary a partner had then I would hope I wouldn't read it. If I did and the information in there worried me or upset me then I would be accountable for communicating that and either working together to improve things or leaving. 'Normal' healthy partners would be able to have a discussion about it.

My worry for you would be keeping a diary anywhere your partner could possibly find it if he is abusive. It's not that he'd turn the information on you to make you look bad (though an abuser would try to make you feel bad about writing anything negative about them) but more that if he didn't like what was written it could escalate his abuse.

You can keep a dary of whatever you want. x That you question whether you should maybe shows how much he attempts to control your awareness of the situation, and your own interior life/thoughts/selfhood.

I am worried that if it got found out that I was keeping a diary of negative events, it would backfire and make me look worse in the scheme of things

Women keeping a record of abuse is by no mens unheard of- it's suggested fairly often here.

Keep it somewhere (online or IRL) where he can't/won't come aross it.

If he does come across it and is upset, you could just go something like, 'well, yes, I think how you acted there wasn't ok.' That this maybe sounds an impossible thing to say, is probably more proof of what's happening if you need it.

I would keep a diary, but be careful where you write it. I'd perhaps do it as a document online, of course on a drive/cloud he can't access. If he deliberately pries and accesses it when you'd written it somewhere private, = more grounds for dumping.

Thank you for your advice, that really does help me to feel better about trying to keep a note of things. I tend to worry because I do have a habit of blowing things out of proportion, I suffer from an anxiety disorder and my DP is very aware of this. I don't want him to chalk any concerns I have up to being anxious by nature. But I also don't want to be guilty of comparing what a good relationship is with the ones I see on TV.

There is an online diary which you can also use on an app on your phone and it syncs. You can password protect your account but on top of that, you can also put another password on the journal itself.

Sorry it's called penzu and it's free.

It is absolutely vital that you keep a diary, @AidanMole!
In fact keep 2, one being a factual record of what is going on.
The other diary for you to reflect on events and sort out in your head where you are thinking of going with this.

Keeping both safe must be a priority. I would suggest opening a new email account and emailing the diary entries to yourself, so everything stays within that email account, digitally locked away so he can bever find it.