Husbands affair after 10 years of marriage

[Goldengirls88]

I am here to seek support after finding devastating news. I'm 31, have one daughter and been married for 10 years. I've recently found out that my husband has been having an affair for the last 2 years. The news came as a huge shock to me because I felt we were happy in our relationship. The affair is over however it was a very sexual relationship and although he claims he never loved her, she loved him.

I found out three weeks ago. I'm a nurse working exceptionally hard at the moment due to the shortage of nursing staff through the pandemic. As I've asked him to leave while I cope with the magnitude of what he has done to our marriage, I'm left working 5 nights a week, looking after our daughter and homeschooling. I'm not coping well emotionally. My manager has been kind enough to allow my daughter to stay in one of our nursing home spare rooms, it isn't ideal but I can't leave her at home alone. Im just exhausted and devastated.

My husband wants to go through relationship counselling. Im not sure if I can ever forgive him for what he's done, the lies and deceit. Im not sure I'll ever get over this. I've loved him since I was 18 and I've always been completely loyal and devoted to him. We have an investment property together in london but we live in the cotswolds. Financially I can cope on my own. I'm terribly scared of the future and feel that my life has been stolen away from me. Everything was fine and then suddenly everything has collapsed. I just don't know how to go forward, I'm so sad!

So sorry to hear your very hard situation. I'm sure it's rocked you to the core. It's terrible feeling betrayed, hurt and in shock. He's not who you thought he was and all your perceptions of your relationship, your family life your future feel fake and turned over.

I would personally recommend counselling - I went after similar revelations (after it was done - a long story but 19 months and then starting in the next one). I went. Not because I was going to save the relationship but because I wanted to work out what I wanted for my life. It was salutary - the most open conversations we ever had. In some ways it showed what a shame it was that we hadn't gone sooner. But in the end it helped me to decide it was over and I could no longer love him.

So don't think that it's there to save things. It's a way to work through things - understand why things happened and evaluate your future. I could write so much more. But I will leave it there for now.

I recovered, survived and thrived after a 29 year relationship. Whatever you decide to do you will too. It will be ducking awful right now but it doesn't last forever.

What do YOU want OP? He seems to have the initiative here. Can you speak to someone like a solicitor or responsible friend for advice just for you?

By all means try counselling - for yourself, and for yourself only.

Check out the Chumplady website.

2 years is a long time. 2 years of betrayal. 2 years of lying. 2 years of having fun with someone else.

As someone who tried for 5 f*cking years to forgive a very brief affair I can tell you it is a tough furrow to plough. In the end I just could not put it behind me. So much happier now on my own!

Two years is a relationship. That’s two years of keeping up lying not just to you but to your daughter.

What he wants here is irrelevant. Why does he want counselling? Is he using it as a tool to shift the blame on to you and gain sympathy? If you want counselling then go on your own.

Give yourself time and space, don’t rush into any decisions and don’t let him push you in to any. I imagine what he actually wants to do is sweep the whole thing under the carpet. Don’t let him call the shots.

Like a PP said. I went to counselling, not to stay together but to understand and to decide what I wanted to do. It was a time of better openness, my situation was a bit different, I would definitely find a 2 year, sexual affair very difficult to get past.
I'm sorry, I would think he has damaged the relationship beyond repair, but only you can decide that, and decide it for yourself, not because of his (now) tragic face.

I am sorry OP.

A two year affair would take a lot of effort to maintain. Sometimes this hurts the most as it is so calculated and pre-planned.

Did your dh confess or did you discover the affair?

I agree that you need to decide what you want to do. You take the lead.

2 years! I couldn’t forgive that. I don’t think any sort of counselling can help overcome that sort of betrayal. I’d be filing for divorce. You deserve so much better

Golden, I can’t even imagine how shattered you must be. I’m sorry that you are having to face such devastation during this mega-stressful time.

This man has no integrity. He felt entitled to lie, cheat, and make a mockery of your marriage for 2 long years. He even betrayed your child by pretending to be a committed family man while living his illicit double life.

This is all on him. He chose infidelity, and it had nothing to do with anything you did or didn’t do. Don’t allow him to shift any blame to you.

You now know that he is capable of great deception. In your shoes I would end things and move forward with your precious daughter rather than live with constant anxiety and uncertainty.

I echo the advice to seek the support of individual counseling to express your feelings, organize your thoughts, and strengthen coping strategies.

You’re young. Don’t waste your time with him.

Get counselling and move on- things will be better

He's been with her for 1/5th of the time he's been with you. For every hour you've been together he's spent 12 minutes with her.

Two things everyone in this situation should know about - first is hysterical bonding where you two have frantic sex and you mistake it for the fact you must be utterly connected. He just thinks his boat's come in.

The other is the sunk costs fallacy where you think you've spent so much time together you should really make the effort to spend even more time together.

Look them both up and take them very seriously.

I'm so sorry for you - he's such a shit.

Oh yes, hysterical bonding!! I remember it well. When all is said and done it is totally meaningless.

@Goldengirls88.... how are you coping? There is a lot of support and help here for you, if you need it.

So sorry you are having to deal with this as well as working frontline I would start with individual counselling. How did you find out ? Did he confess or get caught out ?

So sorry OP, for you xx

2 whole years of lieing to you. 2 whole years of leaving you and your child to go and meet another woman. He invested two whole years in her, but tells you he doesnt love her? He put someone he doesn't even love over you for 2 years. Hell no. Well done for getting rid you deserve better. Like you say, you've known him since you were 18 and look how he treated you (like utter dirt). Thank you for all your doing during this pandemic. Stay strong, huge hugs X

Thank you for all of your supportive messages. I found his emails open and he had exported their entire whatsapp messages to his email. I emailed them to myself and spent 4 nights reading through them all.

I've been struggling a lot with how painful the truth has been. Work has been a blessing really as it's been a huge distraction. I've worked the last 5 nights in a row and now have three days off and I feel scared that I'll have the time to reflect of the lies and deceit.

I know in my heart that I cant forgive him for this, and I have to move on.

If it was me I'd be out like a shot. I'm so sorry OP. Sending hugs x

Wow, I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for you to read and process those messages. One thing I will say is, I'm a newly single 34yr old. I've never been married and don't have children, though I do hope to one day. My advice would be for you to go to counselling, as others have said, for yourself. Even if you decide you cannot continue with your marriage, you may find some closure from the counselling. Or you may find that you're willing to forgive your husband and work to rebuild the trust. But if you don't, you're 31. Not many people are married at 31, let alone for 10 years. You have time, and a lot of it, to move on, to find somebody great who deserves you, and won't betray you.
I just also want to add, thank you for your tireless efforts during this pandemic, and for everything you do for those of us that rely on our wonderful NHS.

Funny how he wants counselling now that you've discovered his affair...it would have carried on if you didn't find out.

Another helpful resource is www.survivinginfidelity.com

You will go through many stages...grief, disbelief, anger, sadness.. but it seems that the trust has gone for you.

You deserve better than a cheating spouse.