Partner different around his friends

[easterbunny123]

Boyfriend has a completely different persona around his friends.

With them it's banter, laughter and fun, they play and talk together online most of the day and night.

With me it's put-downs, he is very unmotivated and hasn't any interest in doing things together. When I bring this up he shouts and punches walls and tells me I'm unreasonable.

When I think about leaving him I worry as many of our friends are mutual and I am convinced they will side with him.

Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do?

You know the truth - he's a decent bloke in public but abusive with you. "Friends" who side with him are no use to you. Do you have other friends who aren't mutual friends with him? Either way, get out, please, this relationship can't end well for you.

Abusive people are often plausible to those in the outside world, it is to those behind closed doors that their true nature emerges. You are in an abusive relationship here and the nice/nasty cycle he is showing you is a continuous one.

Some people will side with him no matter what; their opinion is irrelevant so that should be put out of your mind. Some other people I would think have their own private based suspicions about this man. What is important here and should be your number 1 priority now is your own personal safety.

I would firm up plans properly and asap into leaving this dangerous individual. Leaving because of domestic violence and abuse during lockdown is permitted and an action advised in your case. If he is punching walls (this is an example of domestic violence as are the other behaviours you describe) it is a small step from hitting walls to hitting you.

Get help and support too for your own self by also looking at the sticky thread at the top of these Relationships pages.

Dump him. This won't end well, and he's showing you just what he thinks about you. He doesn't care about you.

So what if they don’t side with you. You can’t stay with a man who is punching walls.

If they side with him let them go as friends, you've got your whole life to make new friends. Your abusive bf will only get worse

Dear OP - you are describing an abusive relationship. Abusers generally save their real nastiness for their victims and present a completely different face to the outside world. It's part of their modus operandi.

Your BF treats you with contempt and tries to scare you into silence when you try to express your concerns about his neglect. It may be hard to think of losing your shared friends but there is nothing but unhappiness for you if you stay with this man so you need to leave him and you may need to find new friends. His behaviour will only get worse.

You don't seem to have realised that you are being abused so it may help you to read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. You also need to work on the fact that you are inclined to put your mutual friends' opinion of you ahead of your own opinion about the situation. You are the one living with his nastiness - not them - and your wants and needs come ahead of theirs in this situation.

You don't say if you live together but it's good you're not married. You'll have to forget seeing any of his friends, have you got your own friends or work colleagues you like to spend time with?

so why are you still with him?

When I think about leaving him I worry as many of our friends are mutual and I am convinced they will side with him.

Then they would be dicks too and good riddance.

When I split up with my ex, he spent a year looking vulnerable and miserable to our mutual friends.

Any time I ran into them it would be "oh poor (ex)" and "he's a broken man" and "he worshipped the ground you walked on".

He also cheated on my repeatedly and then lamped me and that's why I left.

YOU know what the relationship is like behind closed doors. Act on that and fuck what anyone else thinks.

You need to reclaim your future and leave this man so you can be happy again.

It's always the charmers who are dicks at home. The person who everyone at work or friends think they are perfect and you are the perfect family. I think you deserve better.