Were my parents abusive? Trigger warning

[strugglingnewmum]

I am a Mum to a five week old and struggling a bit with some intrusive memories from my own past, which are affecting my mood at a time when I am already struggling to cope with the new responsibility of being a Mum.

My baby arrived prematurely after I experienced sudden heavy bleeding and my hospital experience was very stressful and potentially a little traumatic as my baby stopped breathing immediately after she was born and needed to be resuscitated. Nobody told me what was happening until I asked the anaesthetist and it felt like hours passed until I eventually got to hold her. The care we received afterwards was lacking and kind of destroyed my faith in the NHS if I'm honest but I won't go into details here. My baby has colic and I've been struggling with that too. Thankfully I am financially secure (and have a nice home and garden etc) and I have a loving and supportive partner.

Just as I was recovering from the birth and trying to adjust to life with a new baby, I started to have some intense conversations with my sister about our childhood. Our father died last year and it's brought up "stuff" for both of us, relating to both of our parents. I had "forgotten" some of the memories relating to my father until my sister reminded me of them. But now they are crystal clear and others relating to my mum are bothering me too. These are just some of the things I remember:

My Dad calling my 9 year old brother a "little c*nt" because he fractured his foot at a play park and it had inconvenienced my Dad as they'd had to go to A&E. Another time my Dad not taking my brother to the hospital for two days (leaving him in a dark room and saying "he'll be fine) when actually my brother had broken his leg in two places (accidentally while skateboarding).

Both parents drinking a lot (once my Dad broke a door off its hinges by trying to hold himself up on it while he was drunk). Once when we were on holiday they "lost" my three year old sister on the beach because they were too busy drinking in a beer garden and expected me (aged 5) to be keeping an eye on her. They found her several hours later at a hotel, an old lady had found her and taken her in off the beach. My parents told this as a "funny" story but looking back now it really isn't amusing, just plain neglectful.

Mum used to smash plates in the kitchen and barge into our rooms shouting sometimes (e.g., because she couldn't find her hairbrush and thought we'd have it).

My Dad had an affair and a secret child resulted from that, I found out about my half sibling when he was three years old but never saw much of him. My parents split up when I was 14 and my Mum leaned on me emotionally, telling me lots of details about my Dad's affair, including the STD that he had contracted. She would drink a bottle of wine most nights and get very angry/talk about my Dad and the affair a lot.

When I was 15 my Mum hit me around the face so hard that I saw stars (this was the only time she's ever hit me though other than "smacking" when I was little). She also put all my stuff in bin bags once when I was 15 years old because she was angry at me for something (staying out late or seeing a man she didn't like?). She threw my brother out on the street when he was 16 and let him know by putting all his stuff in bin bags outside.

My Dad could be misogynistic and racist. I remember him referring to one of my friends as a "slut" when I was 12/13, as she had large breasts. He still used this language throughout my adulthood. Once he told me that he was ashamed to be my sister's Dad because she was overweight but that he was proud of me because I was so beautiful.

When I was in secondary school I used drugs and had lots of chest infections, but my parents didn't seem concerned, they knew about the drinking and smoking cannabis and shrugged their shoulders. I think I was raped by a 17/18 year old when I was 15 (I was too incapacitated to consent). I skipped school a lot but my Mum was too caught up in her own stuff to notice and I rarely saw my Dad as he'd move out to be with his mistress.

The problem is on paper we looked like a fairly middle class family and my Dad could be very charming. My Dad was a business owner and my Mum worked in Child Protection (oh, the irony!). I did very well academically and both me and my brothers made our parents very "proud" with our achievements and successful careers.

Obviously there were good sides to my parents too but I feel that they have damaged me in some ways. I'm in my thirties and feel I should be "over this" by now and as I said, they weren't all bad. I never wanted for clothes or food and always had a roof over my head and at times things were good.

I feel obligated to play Happy Families now and my Mum wants to be very involved as a grandmother. I was estranged from her for two years but since my Dad died we have been on good terms again. I don't want to deprive her of seeing my baby but I find seeing her very stressful and she always seems to want more from me than I can give.

Any advice/perspective would be welcome as at the moment this is all just swirling in my head and making it hard to find clarity. I often struggle with irritability and low mood and a lot of anxiety. I'm on medication for this (SSRI) and have been offered some support from the perinatal mental health team.

Op I didn’t want to read and run. Becoming a parent for the first time does bring up revaluation of our own childhood. Yours was clearly abusive and this will be so confusing to rearrange the pieces of the past as it were and see it all as a different picture. Someone else will be along with better advice soon x

First of all, congratulations on your baby. You are going through a lot. You don't need to take any action yet, you can just be with your new little family and sort out counselling later and when you're ready. You can put in some boundaries with your mum. It's not being mean to her. It's healthy to have boundaries with abusive people. She can't see you in the pandemic so you have time to gather your thoughts. Talk to your friends and sister and partner it will help. You don't have to have your mother in your life if you don't want her in it. If that is your boundary. She will struggle with boundaries whatever they are if she's abusive. Good luck

I'm in my thirties and feel I should be "over this" by now and as I said, they weren't all bad. I never wanted for clothes or food and always had a roof over my head and at times things were good

You can't be "over" something just because of how old you are. You need to process things and try to come to terms with it, but you may never fully be over it. Try not to put pressure on yourself. Also don't minimise the emotional and psychological impacts from your parents just because they provided most of your physical needs.

I feel obligated to play Happy Families now and my Mum wants to be very involved as a grandmother

You're not obligated at all. Your main focus is yourself, your partner and your baby. I'm not in contact with my mum now and honestly, although there's guilt and other feelings there, it's been the best thing for my mental health. You do what you need to do. You can set the boundaries.

Make sure you're talking. Talk to your partner, your sister, but also any good friends who are more removed, if you have them. And do take any support you can get from the perinatal mental health team, the health visiting team and your GP.

When you're ready, I highly recommend this book, "The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read " by Phillipa Perry: www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07GRBB9WQ/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I'm sorry you have all this to deal with, being a new mum is overwhelming enough on its own. Sending hugs xx

You will find this kind of story repeated often on here. Becoming a mother brings into sharp focus the parental deficiencies we experienced in our childhood. Be kind to yourself, accept that you didn't have the parents you deserve, congratulate yourself for recognising it, don't feel guilty because your parent now wants to forget all that went before and play perfect granny and expect you to play grateful daughter. Take comfort in the fact that your sister recognises it to. Hug your baby and tell them that you will not be the perfect parent because that doesn't exist but that you will break the cycle and love unconditionally while expecting nothing in return.

www.katsandogz.com/gibran/onchildren.php

Yes you had a v emotionally neglectful and abusive childhood which left you open to abuse by others and MH issues.

But you are really lucky to know that right now because you can now heal all of that over time.

It’s a tough start to the journey once the scales fall from your eyes - but you need to pace yourself. It’s a long journey but a v productive one and positive one - you need to have lots of self compassion to take it slowly to deal with the past at the right time.

The most important is the here and now - congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby - immerse yourself in that for now - try to process the trauma of the birth and put that behind you if you can.

Look to ways to ground and settle your emotions - journaling, mindfulness, walking, distractions to keep you calm - because the most important thing is to bond gently with your baby.

Hi OP

Congratulations on your baby!

I have struggle with child memories since having my son most of which include neglecting my DP. Some examples:

• I hate to even hug my partner because my mum used to be all over her boyfriends in front of us as children and I can remember how uncomfortable I felt
• I hate being lovely dovey as I feel that all my energy should be on DS alone and not on DP
• my sex drive is zero as I feel like.iys innapropriate now that I've had a child 🤷‍♀️
• my son has become badly behaved because he has never learnt to play on his own because I've always given him my full attention something which my mum never did.

The list goes on. I'm really trying to work on these issues but it's taking some time and a lot of effort.

You'll be able to look back on this one day and just realise that you are not your parents, you are your own person and you do not have to let your mother play a huge part in your child's life.

Sorry I havent got much advice but just wanted to let you know your not alone.

Goofyluce that’s a really significant insight that you have relayed. I would really urge you to read the Phillipa Perry book linked above.

Many of us who have had abusive childhoods try to be the opposite in our own parenting - but although better - it’s still not balanced and has pitfalls. We didn’t have a good blueprint for mothering and our only resource was the opposite.

The book linked taught me that I was doing great 80% of the time but there were gaps that I would have never known about. In my case it was that I ended up being an engulfing, project managing mother who keep the DCs busy, busy, busy with lots of self improving activities. That was my anxiety playing out - that I had to plug the gaps and deficiencies in my childhood.

PP book - showed me that I should be taking the lead from my child, to be “attuned” to their unique needs - to prioritise supporting their feelings and emotional growth over everything else - her phrase “to be felt with, not dealt with” hit home for me personally. Calm and peaceful - my life would have been much easier if I had that guidance when they were small. But it’s never to late and we all are doing our best. Maya Angelou - said something along the lines:

We did the best that we could with what we knew at the time and when we knew better, we did better.

You already are sweetheart. Enjoy and indulge yourself with every loving cuddle.

There might be moments when you become triggered or overwhelmed if confused emotions / memories bubble up about your own childhood.

Note these intrusive thoughts and then put them aside to be dealt with and processed in a different space at a different time. They don’t get to pollute the here and now with your beautiful baby.

Thank you for the replies. It's given me some perspective and I will definitely be appreciating the cuddles with my baby this evening.

OP, be the mother YOU want to be, not the one your mother was or that anyone says you should be.

When I had my first DD I couldn't believe how much I loved her, and understood my own mother better instantly because I knew she too had had that overwhelming sensation. But that insight also made me wonder how on earth she could then have been so abusive of her first-born (she was wonderful with me, her third). I never did understand it (it was probably tied up with her own horrific childhood as an only child) but it certainly gave me the resolve to: always be on my DDs' side, never raise a hand to them, and push back against my XH's and DM's views on child-rearing unless I agreed 100% with it myself. As a result I didn't involve my DM much at all in their upbringing, and I ditched my XH when the DDs hit their teens because he was just wrong for them then. Trust your instincts as a mother.

Good luck, and enjoy your lovely baby

@yesterdaystotalsteps123 I've been thinking a lot about your comment on boundaries. There is freedom in knowing that I can set a boundary around giving my mother access to my child, as whatever I do is never enough for her anyway and like you say, she doesn't like boundaries in general. I think I need to accept the reality of our relationship and how toxic it has been/can be.

Simply, yes. They were abusive and neglectful. I would recommend counselling as soon as you’re up to it!

@firebrand123 Thank you, I have bought that book now and will give it a go. The title is certainly appealing! I do so badly want to do better for my own child.

The trouble with setting boundaries with my mother is that it affects my relationship with my sister. Ideally I would go no contact or very limited contact with my mum. However in the past when I've done this my mother has leaned on my sister emotionally. This resulted in my sister putting pressure on me to repair things with my mother, once even telling me that my mum was losing her hair and having to take antidepressants because of me: My sister recently told me that when I don't have contact with my mum, she feels resentful that she is left to deal with her on her own. I really value my relationship with my sister, even more so now that she has finally started to see my mother for who she truly is. For many years she put her in a pedestal and bought my mother's martyr and "saviour of the children" act (I think partly due to codependency issues, relying on her financially etc). I don't want to jeopardise my relationship with my sister. I feel like I have to share the burden of my mother with her if I want us to stay close. I'm also scared my brother would be angry with me too as he likes to pretend/believe that we are a functional family. I've never discussed any of these childhood experiences with him as I can't imagine him opening up about them or even admitting to remembering them. My father was a perfect hero Dad in my brother's narrative of events, even more so since his death last year. I feel that my relationships with my siblings are somewhat fragile and I don't want to lose them by limiting contact with my mum.

Your boundaries with your DM is to put you and your baby’s needs front and centre all of the time.

So you choose to a be a gentle, calm, peaceful, loving and confident mother.

How you choose to parent is your decision and yours alone.

She doesn’t get to comment, interfere or criticise you - she doesn’t get to rock up when she feels like it.

Your baby is not there to meet her needs - it is not her teddy bear.

She falls back in line. She is on the periphery - your little family is central now.

She has to earn her place in your baby’s life and any time you give her is a privilege to be respected.

These days, months and years are precious and finite and your baby’s emotional development and your joy and satisfaction in doing the best job will not be compromised by anyone.

@Gutterton Thank you so much. You seem to have a lot of wisdom in this area. I will definitely be reflecting on what you've said. Everything has changed for me since becoming a mother and I know I need to put my child and parenting her to the best of my ability first.

@justilou1 Thank you, I'm not sure why I needed this validation but I really did. Maybe because I've always felt under pressure to rewrite my family history in order to protect my parents/siblings.

Oh my goodness. What an enmeshed family. No surprise given the v abusive toxic parents - it has left you siblings co-dependent on each other. You needed this dynamic to survive your childhood - but it is irrelevant and potentially destructive now.

So you need to work on putting in much healthier, more appropriate adult boundaries with your siblings - for the sake of your new little family.

You don’t owe your sister this. She needs to build up her boundaries with your DM herself. She is an adult, as is your DB. These are their own emotional journeys to embark on.

You have done the emotional hard work and now have to prioritise your finite emotional focus and energy on yourself and your role as a mother to your baby. It’s a demanding job physically and emotionally and remember that your own mother didn’t equip you well enough emotionally, so you have a little bit more work to do to which will take all your focus. You have no capacity to get drawn in and drained by extended family dynamics. They are all adults, it’s not life or death, nothing ever changes - but you and your baby have only one shot at this. Take it. Enjoy it. Protect it.

Yes it was abusive.
Despite your traumatic birth experience, do talk to your GP - tell them about the intrusive memories. They should refer you for counselling.
You probably should get some to process your birth experiences too.

Having a baby can bring up memories from your childhood - that is normal. But it is also for that reason a very good time to actually deal with them.
And do not hesitate to say no to your mother. What is best for the baby is for you to be in a good place, and if she is undermining that then she needs to stay away.

Be the mother you wanted.
Be gentle with yourself. The start of a healing process has began.
I understand totally how having children makes you think of your childhood

@ChateauMargaux Your words "Hug your baby and tell them that you will not be the perfect parent because that doesn't exist but that you will break the cycle and love unconditionally while expecting nothing in return." I am going to return again and again to this. Thank you.

@Gutterton Wow, you are so spot on about the family dynamics. Enmeshment describes it perfectly in a way that I haven't been able to before. I've been reading about it during the night and have come back to your message a few times. Thank you so much. Knowing that there are words to describe these dynamics and that it's not all in my head is liberating. It also helps me to understand why setting boundaries has been met with such extreme resistance and anger in the past.

You could gently signpost your Dsis to stuff you have been reading - but don’t get too drawn into her journey because she has had different experiences to you even in the exact same incidents in the past in your family history. You are also at a v profound emotional place in your life after just giving birth - she is not in this mental place - so will never have your perspective and nor should she. You could gently suggest she consider some generic tactics around boundaries to so she can manage your DM directly - but be clear (to yourself) that getting to drawn into your Dsis/DM dynamic is pulling you back into it all indirectly and won’t help your Dsis and will cost you headspace which is needed for your little family.