How to deal with my abusive ex?

[summerrose11]

Atm my son is going between me and his dad 50/50. 1 week with me and 1 week with his dad. However whenever my son comes back from his dad's he has the worst attitude, really rude. Doesn't listen, has the biggest tanrumas when he doesn't get his own way. This week though since hes been at his dad's he has got so much worse. I believe its because his dad doesn't have boundaries and rules like I do. He tries to be his best mate all the time.
He even said to me he hates his mum telling our son off (he lives with his parents). I believe his mum can see our son isn't being told off for the stuff he's doing and steps in. My ex HATES being told what to do. He will not listen, I've tried speaking to him and saying we both need to be on the same page with discipline and do it consistently. He ignored me.
I lost it last night, I was facetiming my son and he was being naughty so I told him off. His dad didn't back me up. Then our son looks at my ex and laughs and I say what you laughing at and he said daddy is pulling this face! So I called ex up after and told him how disrespectful he is to do that just after I've told our son off. He called me pathetic saying is that actually what you've called me up for. He said he was making faces at the seagulls 🙄
For a bit of background he's highly manipulative and I was in a woman's refuge when my son was 6 months because of his emotional and financial abuse.
I just don't know what to do. The more time our son spends with him the worse his behaviour gets but then it's unfair to stop contact because he needs his dad too. It wasn't so bad when his dad only had him a few nights a week and every other weekend.
What do i do with an impossible person?
Sorry its a bit long

Stop all father/son contact as of now. Who has been the driver as well behind 50/50 contact?. Is this an informal arrangement on your part so not decided by the courts?. If this is the case your own poor boundaries, skewed already by abuse, have further led to poor decision making on behalf of your son.

Keep your son well away from his abusive father as of now because your son is also being abused here. He is also using your son to get back at you as "punishment". This was never going to work out well, your son could well grow up to become just like his dad if he keeps being influenced so.

Your son needs emotionally healthy role models in his life, not abusive one like his dad. Please seek help from the resources on the sticky thread at the top of these Relationships pages for your son's sake as well as your own.

Thank you attila made me cry because i know its true. It was kind of an agreement on both of our behalves, this was before my sons behaviour was getting worse. Obviously i didnt know then that his behaviour could become with way back when we first made the agreement. No courts have been involved as of now.
I also worry so much that if i went to court that he would get 50/50. Trust me when i say he is the best manipulator i have ever seen. I've had to resort to recording conversations because he will make his own version of events up and is so good at twisting things, which i know is gaslighting. I think he believes his own lies.
Also yes i agree my biggest worry is our DS will turn out just like his dad and that honestly breaks my heart. My DS is so kind but his dads influence would be awful.
Ex will paint me as the awful woman who has stopped him seeing his child and im scared he will use that against me to win our DS in court

Also he is a huge follower of Father for justice. God i hate that page but i can just imagine getting so much advice from that page

I am sorry I made you cry but this is the truth and only you can protect your son here. His father, apart from emotionally damaging him, has no interest in his son and is merely using him to get back at you. Even after leaving the abuser, such men still set out to actively punish their target for leaving them and they often use the child/children to do so. He is really not bothered about his son either. This man hates women, all of them.

You presumably have a paper trail of the abuse he has meted out towards you and you have certainly involved other agencies here in order to get yourself into a refuge. Do not be further cowed by this man, keep your son well away from him going forward. If access was at all given it would likely be supervised and in a contact centre. It certainly would not be ever 50/50; that is a mere starting point. Please get support now from Womens Aid and use the resources on the sticky thread at the top of these Relationships pages. Seek legal advice yourself re your son with regards to keeping him and your own self safe here.

When ds is back, Tell ex you’ve got a cough and household is now in isolation

Then leave things as they are, no shuttling, ignore his rants and contact police if you need to.

Ultimately if YOU had to flee to a refuge because you couldn’t stand up to him, (and that’s perfectly understandable) how would your son fare any better?

Protect your child, diminish contact to the absolute minimum or your son will be groomed into being an abuser himself- first of you then of others.

attila its ok i know you are just being truthful. And i need that because my parents are of no use.
Some part of me is really scared about what he may do if i stop contact. What he might do to me.
I know he doesn't truly care about his son. Its partly to get at me but the main reason is because his dad abandoned him when he was small. Our DS is filling that void of him needing to be loved. Our DS is fulfilling his needs rather than the other way around.
I also have suspicions my ex isn't sticking to lockdown rules and still meeting up with and staying with his girlfriend. I have no proof and ex knows i have no proof because if i did, i could use that to say no contact with DS. He is very clever.

mzhz I may well do that. It would mean isolation for 14 days in that time i would be able to hopefully see a change in DS behaviour it would then confirm to me my fears of DS being around ex.

I will say, apart from you have my utmost sympathy, that there's the practical to take care of too. If he is not 50/50 you need to understand you will never get any form of child support from him - the 50/50 is often used as a way out of that and he won't pay if you have the child all the time. In his mind why would he pay to lose his child? So there's that to consider, and take into account. And I'm sure you already have.

Then there's how your son will react. You may need to figure out a way to get them apart for an extended period and then when your son is receptive try and explain that things will have to change with contact, and why. It might be a good idea to find a child psychologist if you can afford to - or maybe there's someone through the system? They can help your son and help you understand how to have an age appropriate conversation.

Then you have to go full Monty on it and go no contact, for both of you, except through a solicitor. I'll explain why. As a man he thinks he's 'winning' (fuckwit. I had a business partner like this, total arseholes), and you have to 'negotiate' and the ONLY way is to start from a position of total power, with all the cards. If you give him anything WITHOUT GETTING SOMETHING IN RETURN that's 'weakness'. So you take it all away and you only give back small amounts, contingent on him doing exactly what he should do.

This all takes time to prep and do in the meantime record everything. And try not to worry - yes these people do win in the family courts - but they also lose. Because the courts have seen this behaviour before. They win when you are unhinged and unreasonable and don't have any proof. You are none of these things. He has previous. Get testimony from the child psychologist/other professionals (maybe a statement), check with whoever advises on these things - or post a thread hear or on a law forum.. they are all sitting at home now too! 😁.

My gut feel is you are going to have to figure out a way to reduce contact down, but won't get it much further down than every other weekend, and he will always make your life a misery, and the best outcome would be to get help for your boy and to meet someone new (when you're ready) who will be a non toxic, good influence and a good support for you - plus will make you happy.

He will always be a prick and he will always be your sons partner - don't let it ruin your life, or turn your son into a prick too. If he looks like his dad he will probably take after you personality wise - not scientific but just what I've observed and I'm betting he does look like him (dad wouldn't be so keen otherwise) so that will always win out in the end. Good luck x

vodka thank you, yes he is the spitting image of his dad and his dad loves that.
Thing with his dad is he's clever, i'm almost certain and anything he can twist to make myself look bad he will. Such as last year a guy i had been dating was harassing me, he knew this (yes stupid i know to let him into my life, he was ok to me back then. Now i know it was hoovering), so he could use this thing against me.
I also have anxiety and depression which he knows about and i know full well he would use this against me too. He seemed very confident that he could have full custody of our DS. No idea why he was so confident. I've always looked our for our DS best interests where as he thinks how can i benefit out of everything.
My heart would be broken if my DS turned out to be a carbon copy of his dad