Wondering..

[Ruthless67]

Backstory:- Been married for 10 years, together 15. 3 children.

If you tell your DH that perhaps something is bothering you about what they're doing, for example, lying about chatting to female friends, the amount of time DP (use) to spend with female friends, lying about what they are doing, going on different sites to chat to women about sex (all this is going on under our roof apart from time 'spent' with FF) and then I get accused of being controlling, and nastily asked you want me to stop talking to friends, or why are you trying to stop me living my life, like that's what I said when all I had done was express my concern for lies. I'm unsure if I am in the wrong here.

It really depends on what he has actually done and how you voiced your concerns...

Of course you aren't in the wrong. He is disrespecting your relationship and nobody I know would be happy with what he is doing.

He's turning it around on you by saying you're being controlling, you aren't at all.

But generally speaking if he's lying about something it doesn't look good.

Your post isn't very clear. What form do these friendships take? Who are these women?

It is not normal for a man in a committed relationship to be friends with women, other than, say, as part of a hobby where several people of both sexes get together. Think cycling, or a choir, or attending lectures on astronomy, etc.

It does sound that your husband has relationships that are either too close or sexually charged, so of course you don't feel safe. And the lies are a huge red flag, as is his sense of entitlement and the fact that he doesn't care about your feelings.

What is your personal situation? Do you work, do you own your own home - how difficult will it be for you to leave? Because that's what I would do.

@Marphise I avoid confrontation as much as possible, but It's extremely difficult to ignore the phone going off all night/through the night or mutual friends saying I saw DH with xxxx a few times last week, or using our family PC which is located in the office (for the children's use too) and there are untold clicks on sex sites, and the reason I check history is to make sure DC are doing their schooling and not watching YouTube or playing games. All I did was ask and after this long together and being in what I thought was a committed marriage surely that shouldn't be a problem, unless he had something to hide?

Jesus, leave him

it is not normal for a man in a committed relationship to be friends with women, other than, say, as part of a hobby where several people of both sexes get together.

This is absolute bullshit. Like, complete and utter nonsense. It's not 1910, for fuck's sake, men and women can be friends. My best friends are male. Im a woman. Everyone's marriages are fine.

@FlowerArranger im assuming youre in your 60s+ to have this incredibly archaic view.

@OP your husband sounds like a dick, but its very normal to have friends of different genders.

No, you’re not in the wrong. He is but he’s trying to turn it round on you.

Let him fuck off and ‘live his life’.

I have never tried to instill rules of what is and isn't allowed, DH really has done whatever he's wanted, when he wanted without question (nights out, 'boys' golfing holiday to Marbella), it was just the lies I wasn't too sure about.

You have allowed him to do all things, which include being totally disrespectful to you and most probably shag around.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Why on earth would you assume that someone in their 60s wouldn't believe that men and women in relationships don't or shouldn't have platonic friends of the opposite sex?

Speaking as a woman in her 60s with many male friends, I find this statement incredibly ageist.

@Gorganzolabrie because it's such an incredibly oldfashioned notion, and ive literally never met anyone my age or my parents age who believes it.

I wouldn't like this.

An OH spending this much time with women at the same time as often chatting on sex sites, I mean.

If he didn't seem to be this horny for stuff outside the relationship I wouldn't be so concerned about the female friends.

Also seeing a particular woman several times a week does seem suspicious, and if a friend mentioned it to you, presumably they thought so too.

assuming youre in your 60s+ to have this incredibly archaic view.

I’m assuming you’re an idiot to have this incredibly idiotic view.

OP I’m going out on a limb to suggest your husband would hate you to be doing what he is doing.

Don’t let him gaslight you, and don’t let anyone here gaslight you either. His behaviour is unacceptable.