Best friend having an affair - WWYD?

[Zebrasandfairytales]

Hi Everyone,

I’m going to try and give as much detail without being too outing.

I have known my friend since we were in nappies, we have done everything together, nursery, school, holidays, weddings, pregnancy etc. I would say that (previously) she would have been one of the people I would trust implicitly.

My friend is married and has two small children. Just before Christmas she told me she had started texting someone inappropriate (a man twice her age who is known to her DH) and they had met up and kissed, but it hadn’t gone any further.

At this point I was worried about her behaviour, I knew things hadn’t been good between her and DH for a while (his career requires early starts and long hours and she felt neglected, instead of talking to him she would just shout and so the cycle continues) and she had been drinking and smoking heavily, as well as acting out of character (bit reckless). I advised her I thought it was a terrible idea and completely wrong, I told her I was worried about her state of mind as this was so out of character and recommended she cut all contact and go and get some personal therapy and then have marriage counselling.

Fast forward a few months, it has just been lie after lie after lie. She has now slept with him and loves him - blah blah blah. I don’t recognise her anymore and she is putting this man before everyone else. It is breaking my heart and I feel so terribly guilty for her DH, who is lovely and has absolutely no idea because my friend has become very good at putting on a front and deceiving him. It’s like she won’t give him a chance because while the marriage isn’t working it justifies her affair. She says she loves this other person and no one makes her happy like he does. She is going to put him before her children, husband and her wider family and friends who have known her for years, not months. She says she is going to leave her DH at the end of lockdown for this man. I think it is a terrible mistake. I don’t believe that anyone should be in an unhappy marriage but I do believe you should at least try. This situation is so damaging to everyone involved.

I have not spoken to her in days because for all the conversations we have we just go round in circles and whilst she agrees it is wrong and will cause significant damage, she can’t stop herself. It makes me feel sick and breaks my heart. I just don’t know who she is anymore.

Does anyone have experience of this?
What would you do?
What more can I do?

I’d distance myself and mourn the friendship as being over. I’d also tell the DH if we were all friends.

I’d support a friend leaving an unhappy marriage when both parties had tried everything and it was a last resort but couldn’t stand by someone who has an affair. Their wants come with lots of consequences to innocent people and I wouldn’t want to be a part of that.

It sounds like your friend has made up her mind. She is an adult and from what you've said she accepts the consequences of this. I don't think there anything you can or should do.
It's her business.

Its none of your business. You make a choice about the part you can/should be involved in, and thats whether or not you want to still be friends. Anything else is meddling.

Unfortunately all the nagging and advice in the world isn't going to change your friends mind. I think when people feel unloved and neglected by their husbands/partners it's easy for them to get trapped into a vicious circle with men who pay them attention, it makes you feel good. There could also be more going on in their marriage than you know. I'd take a step back, tell her your thoughts, and then leave her to it, definitely don't tell her husband, seems like she's planning to do this herself soon and doing this during a lockdown will have consequences for the kids.

There's nothing you can or should do. It's sad but it's her business. Also you say her DH is lovely but you're not married to him! Maybe there are ways in which he's not a lovely husband.

Take a step back and leave her to it. You could also direct her to a website where she can see the raw pain of betrayed spouses...

Www.survivinginfidelity.com

She is in an unhappy marriage. She is getting out. She may be doing it in a way you dissaprove of, but if you're her friend, be there for her. You sound a bit dismissive of the fact that she's obviously clearly unhappy and feels neglected in her marriage. No-one leaves a marriage lightly.
You say she is choosing this man over her kids, her family and friends. That's unfair and that kind of attitude says more about you than it does her. She is leaving her marriage, not her children.

I was in her position (minus the kids and actually my marriage was genuinely happy, lovely lovely man). Totally deluded myself that the huge crush I had on a guy at work was a great love that I had to act upon. I did, it was awful. I did huge harm to my ex and lost some friends, rightly so. Years down the line, it didn't work out, the relationship was never as good as my first marriage. It wasn't real. The affair relationship is exciting and shiny, you are wanted despite the 'wrongness' of it and its a huge ego boost. In answer to your question, I can only say that I wish more of my friends and family had told me what a dick I was being.. When it all came out, ex H wanted to move past it but I had my head so far up my arse I couldn't see anything except OM. Ask her to read the 'divorce' board on here and the 'lone and step parenting' one to see the reality of what she is going to be entering into. Hit her with cold hard facts about residency, custody, maintenance, splitting Christmas etc. How does her new man feel about step parenting? She's involved you by telling you so she's made it your business and I think you do have a right to give your view. If she's genuinely unhappy and wants to leave anyway, that's one thing, and no doubt that's how she'll justify it as many cheats do. But while the om is on the scene there's no way she can separate the two.

I’m sorry to sound harsh but you’re making it about you when it’s not. My personal view with my very closest friends is that I’m not there to judge them and while I might not agree with what they’re doing I’ll still be there for them including when things of their own causing go wrong. I have seen a close friend do the same as your friend and I told her that what she was doing was dangerous and I didn’t agree with it but after giving her my view I accepted that it wasn’t my decision and I’ve supported her through the damage it’s done to her relationship.
I don’t entirely understand how she’s putting the man ahead of her friends and family: will everyone basically disown her if she leaves her husband?

Look he may be the best man in the universe ,but if she is not happy with him its irrelevant! If you want to stay friends with her, then it may be best just not to say anything about it .People often look as though they have a "perfect" marriage when this is really not the case!Often when push comes to shove, people will stay with their partner especially when children are involved .She says she is "waiting until after lockdown" when in reality people are able to move in with someone if they want to ,just not visiting and coming and going!

Just reread the op and the fact that her H has no idea she's unhappy is massively unfair on him. She absolutely should be talking to him and give him / them a chance to improve things.

@HugeAckmansWife genuine question- would you have listened to them though? I’m just thinking of when I was last ‘head over heels’- I wouldn’t have listened to anyone, and would’ve ended up totally isolated from friends and family.

OP, I’m not sure I’d get involved any more than you have. Maybe have one more conversation where you lay out all your concerns, and then say nothing else. Do you feel that the friendship is over regardless?

She won't listen to you. She will do what she wants and when this all goes tits up (it will) then it's up to you to decide if you want to be there for her?

You may be best off distancing yourself for a while as the fall out from this won't be pretty. She will be off, her husband will look for someone to take his anger out on and that could well be you!

Thanks everyone.

I have no intention of telling her DH but I feel very guilty about that, complicit, as I have known him for many years and spent a lot of time with him.

One of the reasons it is so difficult is because she has used friends and family as an excuse to see him, meeting him at close family members house without their knowledge of the full situation. This is why I think it would have a wider impact on friends and family if it came out. I know she has told her sibling and another close friend - who all have links with her and her family and our wider network of friends. Some of his friends know and he is also married with children. We live in a small community where everyone knows everyone. It is starting to feel very complex and as more people find out the more I am worried that this is going to come out badly, in a way she isn’t able to control and have a massive impact on her life and others, because of how it is all playing out. Without giving specific/outing details I can’t say much more.

She has been honest with me about her relationship with DH so I do have an understanding of the issues. In my opinion they are fixable and she also agrees with this but says she has no inclination to as this new person makes her feel like no one else in her life, she loves him more and believes he can make her happy.

I take everyone’s point about not making it about me, I have been honest with her that I have some personal triggers about the situation (of which she has witnessed and been with me through) which make it very hard for me to try to be supportive. I am really trying though. That’s why I posted. I want to know what I can do better, I don’t profess to be doing a good job in this. I feel hopeless and very sad about the whole situation.

To the pp who asked if if have listened? I think as we didn't have kids and it was a comparatively 'easy' split, possibly not but in my 2nd marriage with kids, if it had been me having the affair and someone had opened my eyes to the shitshow that is divorced parenting then yes I think I would have. Can't say for sure obviously but if you do a pro and con list, when there are kids involved and the marriage is, by her own admission, fixable if not for om, then in that situation maybe. I think the fact she's admitted its fixable but she just wants om is the key to this. It's so so obvious that an affair relationship, or any new relationship is going to seem amazing compared to an old, worn in one with all the domestic issues etc. Again I repeat my advice for her to look on the relevant boards here to see what's in store. My ex and ow married and he lost his best friend over it and many others. His parents were devastated. My parents have to do a lot more hands on childcare now to help me. The kids are, some years on, still sad that we are not together and wish it were otherwise. It's 100% not worth it if her marriage is salvagable .

Thanks @HugeAckmansWife I’m going to share some reading material with her and have one last chance at trying to get through to her.

If she chooses this I will have to be there for her, despite my feelings about it, but I am bracing myself for the impact.

@HugeAckmansWife thanks, that’s interesting to hear.

@PatchworkElmer it’s not that I feel the friendship is completely over, more I’m just really struggling to rationalise with her, her values, and support some of the decisions she’s made and I’m unsure what our future looks like... does that make sense?

Hold on... you say she has been honest about their marriage

But you only need to spend a nanosecond on relationship board to know that there is A Script.

Without fail, every H who is cheating justifies it to himself “haven’t been happy for ages/years”

She’s a cheat. She’s a liar and she’s actively lying about meeting family and friends when she is hooking up with him.

We never know what goes in behind closed doors so your version of lovely may also not be so.

If you’re not going to blow her lies out of the water then that’s kind of being complicit in her deceit. You need to distance yourself from her fast. Maybe that in itself will prompt her h to wonder and discover the situation for himself

Yep agree that distance is the best approach.

I've ditched a few friends who decided to cheat (male and female). I've been cheated on and don't want to associate with people who don't share my values on this.

I've never been in a position where I've felt I had to tell the cheated on partner (i.e. they were only friends because I was friends with the cheater) and I tend not to do it as I don't want to get involved in a potential shit show.

Thank you everyone, I need to have a real think about what, if anything, I do or say next. It feels very overwhelming.

Sorry but my friends are people I respect, like and have similar life values with. My friendship with this person would be over based on that. I hope you are there for the husband when he finally finds out and do right by him and the kids