Getting divorced in my 20s

[IAmTooYoungForThisShit]

28 now, nearly 29. Got married at 21 (stupid I know). Been unhappy for most of it, very toxic and unhealthy relationship but stayed and tried to work on it, still miserable as ever. Two little kids in tow, 5 and under. I know I need to leave, am getting my ducks in a row now and won't be changing my mind about this but even though it's the right thing I'm feeling very down about this. Mainly I'm embarrassed for getting divorced so young but also for staying as long as I have. Also worrying about dating again (way) into the future once I've healed and worked on myself, and enjoyed some well deserved single time. I know I'm in a minority here so wondering how people will perceive me. Or if anyone will be interested in me when I'm eventually ready to embark on a new relationship young as I will be with 2 kids in tow. Has anyone else been in this position? Any words of wisdom for getting through this?

I'd recommend reading Helen Lewis's 'Difficult Women' she starts the book with a chapter on divorce. She herself got divorced very young and felt, I think, similar to you - embarrassed.

Don't be though! Sometimes it's just what life throws at you. You get your ducks in a row, help your kids transition etc. And the rest will follow. Though it will be tough, obviously, things will settle and you'll find a way.

www.amazon.co.uk/Difficult-Women-History-Feminism-Fights/dp/1787331288

Don't be embarrassed. Be proud that you're not putting up with a shit marriage any longer.

I was also married at 21 and divorced at 32 so not much different, 2 kids also but a bit older. I used to feel like I had failed but now I am happy and wish I had done it sooner. I have met someone new too. I would just say concentrate on yourself and what you want going forward and when the time is right you will meet someone right for you. My divorce hasn't long gone through and the relieve is amazing.

You're young and have your whole life ahead of you, and if you want to, to meet someone who you can be happy with. Be proud that you're being brave enough to make this decision for your future.

Eh, give over, you're barely broken in.

Every relationship I've ever fallen out of I've thought "well, that's that, that's me bollocksed for the rest of my life then." In ~30 years that's consistently proved to be wrong. My previous partner I was with for maybe 12 years ago and got married to, they fucked off out of the blue and I thought it was all over. Long story short, I hooked up with my current partner maybe two years ago, I'm 48 and my other half is 49 with two kids in their 20s.

My cousin was married at 19- divorced at 21. 2 kids together. He left her and left her heartbroken. Few years later she's married again and happy. They have a combined step family

I was married at 24 and divorced at 31. Its best to get it over with, honestly. Many many women haven't even been married by the age you'll be divorced - which means if you want another partner, there are still loads and loads of men your age and slightly older still in the pool.

You've nothing to be ashamed of, you married and tried to make it work for a respectable period of time, it's not like you had a Vegas wedding and an annulment the next day! And even if you did, who cares. Brazen it out, it's a marriage not a murder, some will judge but equally, some will judge no matter what you do.

Chin up. Honestly. Your brain will tell you all sorts of lies to try to get you to stick with what's familiar - dont fall for it. We all have a past. It really doesnt matter nearly as much as you expect.

Thank you for the advice and recommendations, I'll bear them in mind and take a look. Slightly reassured that I'm not the only one and there is light at the end of the tunnel

Look at it this way - you are 20 years ahead of most of the marriages on here. Plenty of people untangling in their 40’s. Does it matter more to you that it was a marriage rather than a long term relationship - because most relationships don’t survive the 20’s.

Never and need to feel shame or blame.

Counter those thoughts knowing that you gave it your v best shot, you know your worth and you will give your DCs the calm and peaceful home they deserve.

You will be surprised by who will step up to love and support you and also remember that those that matter won’t care and those that care don’t matter.

Prioritise your emotional development and that of your children. Once you have that in place you will have a very secure and happy life ahead.

Have you spoken to any family or friends in real life? What support do you need?

@Gutterton thank you for that very encouraging post, it certainly helps with perspective. I think the fact it was a marriage rather than a LTR makes it that much more painful for me personally. I have a lot of support in real life, a limited number of close friends and family know I'm not happy and how much of a struggle our relationship has been. I'm also not financially dependent on him so untangling is more of an emotional process than anything

Got divorced at 26 after marrying at 21. Was a mistake so I took DC1 and left.

Married again at 30, separated now (am 40) for almost 2 years. Another mistake (have history of falling into abusive relationships, freedom programme helped a lot).

You've wasted enough time, don't waste more (sunk costs fallacy). You'll be so much better off without him!

I have two friends who were married at 21 and separated by 25/26. Both had met their current partners within 2 years and have settled in happy, better suited relationships, the marriages feel like a distant memory.

I got married at 19, had a baby at 21, left him when I was 22 or 23 and divorced at 25 (only because it took so long to come through) I am now almost 30 and have a boyfriend of almost 3 years.

Getting divorced was the best thing I ever did.

I've faced a little stigma but very few and far between and only from people who are clearly clueless and I couldnt care less about!

This is the start of the rest of your life.

Married aged 20 separated aged 23 and divorced aged 25.
I'm sure I was judged, but happily married to my second husband for 40+ years who cares or even remembers what was said.

Please don't waste the best years of your life being unhappy