Would this bother you? Eating disorder related

[Doeeyedcake]

I’ve had disordered eating for a long time and it’s always worse at times of stress. It isn’t so much that I want to lose weight because I feel overweight, it’s more being able to control something.

Of course I am an adult so need to take responsibility for myself.

However - I’m much better if someone makes me a meal or if I eat out. I rarely ever feel hungry and so the effort of making something doesn’t seem worth it but before lockdown I was having lunch with my mum once a week.
My bmi started out at 18.5 but is now just below 18.
The last four weeks or so my dh has watched me make dinner for him and the children and then tidy up and wash up etc and not eat anything at all. He’s never once offered to help or even bring me a slice of toast or anything. It sounds stupid because I am an adult, it isn’t up to him to help me, but it feels like he just doesn’t care. He’s never offered, it’s not like a well worn path where I’ve refused his help, I suppose I just feel now that my normal support mechanisms can’t happen he might have perhaps been a bit more bothered. This sounds like I’m doing this for attention...it isn’t that. I just think if it were the other way around I’d be helping him a bit.

Have you talked to him about it?

Have you told him directly what support you need right now?

You've got an eating disorder. He can't persuade you to eat. You have to decide to eat and to do so.

Be realistic about what your illness does to you. If he made a massive meal, you wouldn't be hungry, or it would be too much and it put you off by seeing so much, or it wouldn't be toasted right, or there would be too much butter, etc, etc. And if it was the right thing and the right amount, you would find another reason to refuse it. That's what an ED does.

You're saying you need control - is it likely that if he tried to help, you'd refuse or get annoyed by him not doing things the way you'd do them?

He's not making a big drama out of it, not getting frustrated, not cajoling, pleading or adding to your distress - but he's still in the wrong right now, as far as your ED is concerned. The only sensible thing he can do is not interfere or try and take control.

Do you have access to online support from a specialist in ED? It sounds as though it would be helpful if you were able to access that now, as it's a very stressful time for everybody.

It’s not an out and out eating disorder.
It’s more disordered eating.
I don’t know - I just feel he’s never made any effort to support or help.

You are being unfair to him. He's in a no win situation. If he said anything at all, wouldn't you then feel that he was pressuring you? Your resentment of him is unfair. You're expecting him to act like a parent, not a spouse. If you want his help, you need to talk to him about this.

Stop being a martyr, if you need his help ASK him! Sitting there silently seething and waiting for him to notice and offer to make you food is ridiculous.

OP, could you get help please, or at least look into it.
Maybe your husband isn't the right person to help you.
I don't know anything, but Beat [[www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk
]] might have some useful info.

There is an Eating Disorder section on here. You might want to get your thread moved there.

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

You're already contradicting yourself. Your title says Eating Disorder. Your BMI is below normal. Your explanation of why you do it is completely consistent with the diagnosis of an eating disorder.

He isn't able to help you. Whatever way he tried, he'd be wrong. As I am for saying Eating Disorder when you've already used the phrase in your post title.

Moving away from the deflection, I'll repeat - do you have access to ED services? If not, it sounds like it's time for you to consider taking that step yourself - not expecting him or your mother to fill that gap.

Or eat. You can cook whatever it is just the way you like it. He won't interfere with it, he won't criticise it, he won't draw attention to you eating it.

Nobody else can make that decision for you. You are the person who is controlling what you do or don't have, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

So don't lay responsibility/the blame on him.

@Doeeyedcake it sounds like undereating is your way of asking others to care for you.

Have you ever asked your husband, using words, to take care of you in some way? If so, what was the outcome of that?

Why aren’t you eating the food that you’re making? Is it because you want him to notice? Care seeking behaviour? Can you just make dinner and eat it and ask for support from him in another way?

He probably doesn't notice? I dont know, some people are very unobservant 🙄

I'd say an eating disorder is an eating disorder. No grades. I have an eating disorder and noone would know, its not at all obvious. I'm in recovery with OA. Please take a look, you'll find your people there.

Eating disorder aside, why not ask him to make dinner, wash up and tidy up a couple of times a week?

Sorry to hear you're struggling. Is it actually helpful to monitor your weight continually and calculate your bmi?

It also sounds as though your mum was helping pre lockdown. Could you turn to her for support? Perhaps share a food diary with her?

Often disordered eating is a secretive thing. Been there. But in your case it seems like you want him to notice that you're not eating and take some sort of action. Is that right?

I must say I find it odd that he wouldn't say anything about you cooking, serving and clearing a whole dinner without eating yourself. Has he not talked to you about this or asked why?

I suppose he’s never cooked in 18 years - he’s not likely to start now.
Maybe it is unfair, he’s aware that just giving me something to eat means I’m much more likely to eat it. It’s because I can’t be bothered a lot of the time. If I cook and then sit and eat I have to try and tidy up after and it’s late by then and we I am into bedtime routines. Which means when I come back down from getting the children to bed the kitchen is still like a bomb has hit it. If they are eating it gives me 20 or so uninterrupted minutes to tidy up.

Your resentment of him for not stopping you from doing this to yourself is irrational.

Eat, for your family's sake, if you won't do it for your own.

You should be sitting down to eat with your children rather than running off to do the cleaning up - its a really important, valuable thing to do as a family!

Cook dinner, and then sit and eat and talk with your husband and children. Then get them to do the clearing up.

@Doeeyedcake do you ever ask your husband for help using words? If so, how does that go?

Apart from anything else, it appears you are doing everything; cooking, cleaning, tidying, bedtime. Why can't he wash up while you're putting dc to bed?

Perhaps your need for control goes deeper than just eating? Agree with the post above though, you would find it helpful to access more targeted support from BEAT or similar. It's understandable that your issues have flared up somewhat due to our current situation. That's nothing to be ashamed of and it is best to acknowledge that and try other coping strategies.

I’m going to be a little brutal here. It’s your responsibility to eat, not your husband’s.
You hoping he realises is like a silent cry for help. But you need to just ask for help.

I do find it odd that he doesn’t mention that you don’t eat. If my husband didn’t eat a meal I’d be so shocked. Or if I cooked and went back into kitchen to clean up he’d ask what was up. We’ve always eaten all meals together. Have you done this so long that it’s normal for your family?

But cleaning up is not an excuse to not eat with the family. You have to prioritise eating properly. I always eat with the family even if the kitchen is a bomb site. I think it’s important to model good eating behaviour for the children and to have that family time with no other distractions. Try to get some support for your eating disorder. And get your husband to clean up the kitchen or do bedtime

OP, my disordered eating is trying to rear it’s ugly head right now too so I really sympathise with the space you’re in.

People saying that’s it’s simple to ask your DH for what you need don’t seem to understand that for people with ED they haven’t honed this skill at all (hence the eating disorder, a way of controlling/ soothing/ being self reliant because we learnt early on not to go to parents for help/ or were shamed for expressing our needs)

It is true. You do need to ask but also maybe look into some therapy. I have booked a skype session with a local psychotherapist to help me navigate these difficult waters, maybe you could do the same?

Good luck.