Is gambling a red flag?

[pikachu87]

Been with DBoyf for many many years, no marriage or kids. He is a big poker player and plays online and in casinos. When not at a casino he plays online for many hours and often during the night. He has poor money management and there have been issues in the past where he has spent more than he can afford although I don't think think this is an issue now. He won't give it up, I have asked and I don't like it. Is this a red flag?

Well it's boring for you for a start! All that time playing online. What do you do? What couple things do you do?

Are you sure that the over 'spending' is a thing of the past? Really sure? Sure that it will never happen again?

What'll happen if you have kids - Will he be online gambling family money while you sort the kids? Probably.

I worked in a bookies for a summer and swore I'd never date a gambler. Never!

It is a red flag, yes. My dad is the most lovely man you could meet, but he was a gambler (coupled with drink - they often go hand in hand) and it cost my parents their marriage. It's very difficult to trust a gambler, and this can leak into other areas of your relationship too. I would ask him to go to a GA meeting. If he refuses, then you'll have your answer. And that is that the gambling is more important than you, and it's time to leave What makes it more difficult though, is getting him to see that he has a problem in the first place.
Good luck.

It's a fifty foot wide red flag with flashing lights and a klaxon OP.

He is an addict. Don't have relationships with anyone still in the grip of addiction.

Run

Yes, it's a red flag. And the fact that you have to ask this, when it's so obviously a red flag, means you'd probably really benefit from some work on your boundaries.

Huge red flag! This is how it starts. I dated a gambler in the pass and I will never do it again. Gambling or not, poor money management is not a great start anyway. The fact he does this online and at the casino shows that this is more than just an occasional/celebratory thing, it is part of his life. I would not under any circumstances, marry this kind of man or do joint finances with him. In your situation, I would leave - that's how much I hate gambling.

Everything you have daid is a ted flag but obviously you have normalised it over the years

Why are you questioning it now ? Have you woken up from a denial-induced coma ?

It sounds like it's an addiction for him. Addiction is always a red flag.

Huge red flag here. Had an ex and it was always "little bits" of overspending here and there. Thought it had stopped and got better and things were ok, until I lost a relative and got an inheritance that got dipped into for non existent "emergencies" here and there until I found out a good couple thousand had gone into gambling after being stupid enough to trust him

Not really a red flag. More that he sounds like a tosser. "Poor money management" sounds like words you'd use to describe a 15 year old. Not a grown ass man who chooses to spaff it all up the wall.

I’d get rid it’s like alcohol it can ruin your life.

What @BMW6 said. If you do some digging I bet you my house that he's got massive debt that he's hiding from you.

He'd give you up sooner than give up gambling. It's hardly what you want, is it?

It's alright if a. you don't share finances, b. you don't want marriage, and c. you have decided against children (and your contraception is rock-solid if you're child-bearing age) and d. you're happy.

Otherwise it's really not alright, and you should think about what on earth you're doing with him.

Gambling/poor money management isn't a red flag as such, it's not good in and of itself.

The ignoring how you feel could be a red flag, though I suppose he has a right to do what he wants, but you have a right to decide whether you can tolerate it.

In short, run.

An alcoholic will not get your house repossessed. A junkie won't, either. They might do awful things, steal, lie and cheat, not pay the bills - but a gambler will gamble your home because the adrenalin rush is better the more that's at stake.

Gambling itself is not a red flag, no. Can he afford it? You say in the past he's overspent, but does he do that now? Both my partner and I love casinos and the odd bit of online gambling. It's a hobby, we stick to our budgets and it's fun. I would not appreciate being told to stop.

If of course he's running up debt or similar, then yes, it's an issue.

My bio Dad was a gambler from his late teens. He had split with my Mum by the time me a Db were school age and spent his life on a social slide. He ended up in a tiny council flat too afraid to open the door as he had borrowed money once too often. The local casinos wouldn't entertain him eventually and he had no lines of credit.

It was a shame - he was of above average intelligence and could have made something of his life.

Don't go there.

I'm married to a gambler. He's gambled for as long as we've been together. When we met, before we had responsibilities, it didn't bother me too much but it's always been a bit of an issue (I knew he would sometimes spend more than he could afford). I ignored it/told myself it wasn't a problem because we weren't married, didn't have kids, it was his money etc. And he never did anything really stupid. And apart from that, he was perfect.

Then I married him, and we had children, and our finances combined, and the gambling became a real problem. He has run up £1000s of debt over the years. It makes me feel sick when I think about it.

I reached my end point with it all about a year ago when I'd found out he had gambled again despite promising not to. I threw him out but in the end couldn't go through with splitting up with him. I don't think I will ever love him like I used to. I'm not sure I will ever trust him fully, and I've lost respect for him. We are still together because I don't want to break our little family unit up but I don't know what the future holds.

Obviously I don't regret having my children or anything like that, but if I could do things again I would have been more alert to the gambling as a problem at a much earlier stage. If I hadn't married my husband, or had children with him, it would have saved me a lot of heartache.

I can't tell you what to do but don't bury your head in the sand like I did.

It's not too bad if you don't live together, don't share finances and you don't lend him money.

When my ex spent the money for my 3 year old’s birthday party on gambling that was the end of that for me.

Of course it's a red flag. Generally speaking gambling causes more damage more quickly than any other addiction. When I came out of rehab I met a man who had lost his home, his job and his family all in under a year. Someone tied to a gambler can never feel financially stable. It's terrifying. Steer well clear.