Okay this is long so I apologise in advance.
I’m nearly 28, have 3 children and been with my husband for nearly 10 years (married 2).
He has struggled with his mental health for the last 4/5 years, he has had cbt, counselling and takes meds. He has finally seemed to have some improvement but still struggles with his working life. He leaves for work at 7.30 and returns at 6.30, he is constantly saying how hard he works, no one could possibly understand and no one else works as hard as he does.
He has always drunk a couple of beers in the evening (when I was younger I saw no issue with this, mainly as I didn’t know the implications) about 3 years ago he started drinking spirits and whiskey. In the last year each night he could nearly finish a 70cl bottle, I mean like 1inch left in the bottom. So he was smashed nearly every night. He acknowledged with me pushing that he had an alcohol problem and sought help! They advised for a longer more successful recovery he was to wean himself off. I thought he was doing that and he was for a time. His behaviour became erratic again, I was sure he was drinking more than he said, he swore blind he wasn’t. One night I get a knock on the door about 11pm, it was the neighbours he had driven and clipped the side of their house, taken a Couple of cms of the corner of their house. They knew he was drunk, I had no idea he was out. He came back, the next day I asked him to leave. He was devastated said he would stop admitted he was swigging whiskey in the drive home from work. Promised he would stop.
That was 3 months ago, he stopped whiskey dead that night but still drinks beers. At night he was behaving normally again, in recent weeks he has started swaying again, barely able to stand up, falling asleep with sitting up, falling over anything/nothing. When I question him I get told I can look through everything he is hiding nothing.
There has more things happening over the years that I have forgiven but I can’t forget.
A year ago he would sleep in to 12, he was barely involved with the children. All that has changed he gets up early and is very involved. Literally is how I always hoped he would be.
I just can’t seem to trust him anymore and I don’t know if I want to. I love him but I hate him touching me.
I don’t really know what I want. One day I’m thinking this is great things seem to be working out, the next I’m thinking I’m being naive. I’m stuck between what’s worse for the children breaking up a family that I’m not sure if I want to break or staying and then potentially seeing this if he doesn’t improve or continues swaying at night.
I feel like I’m loving with Jekyll and Hyde, during the day he is amazing but night he can become someone else.
I also didn’t form a career because I was looking after the kids so he could progress his! Now I’m in a part time job that i will be made redundant from (was due to be June but it’s been delayed with no end date given due to Coronavirus). We both own the house but he has made is clear he wouldn’t leave, I couldn’t pay it by myself. I’m currently on mat leave with zero pay.
Can I please have peoples thoughts, he does have a good side and positive aspects, ie he is generous, will do anything for his family, is now very actively involved but he has these serious flaws