Social media

[blueblackgreen]

I've just read another thread and it's prompted me to start this one.

Instagram/Facebook/Snapchat do all men follow, look at, like half naked women pages? I stopped following my DP on Instagram ages ago and he hasn't noticed, I stopped because he likes and follows lots of half naked women's pages. Reading another thread has just reminded me of this and I had another snoop and one page he follows and regularly likes pics of is called Pretty skinny girls. I'm neither pretty or skinny. I know I shouldn't have gone snooping before I get roasted for doing it.

DP was single for a very long time before we got together so I get that he in the past has liked/followed these pages but it's niggling at me now and I know if I blurt it out I'm going to sound like an idiot but it really bothers me. I have suspicions too that he messages too but I can't prove it.

He hasn't posted anything on IG so it isn't likes from anything he's posted. He's almost mid 40's so no young lad.

Hmmm. Ok. This is all starting to sound a bit more suspect.... my original take on it was just about the photos he's looking at and how they make you feel, but it does sound like your instincts are kicking in here and telling you things aren't right. In that case, definitely don't worry about how this sounds to him, just tell him what you're feeling. Something's not right and as long as you start this off with a calm conversation, he should be able to deal with it like an adult if there's nothing for you to worry about.

I'm more concerned about how to approach it with him. I'm really not good at verbalising how I feel. I don't doubt that he won't listen and take on board what I say, he is really easy going. I just get myself anxious and worked up about it.
My ex was quite the one for chatting up other women etc and eventually had an affair with a much younger woman and left me for her. Hence why I'm probably paranoid and self conscious.

Also to answer what you asked earlier @firebrand123 we've been living together around six months and got together about 2 to 2 and a half years ago.

I hear you, I have those sorts of anxieties too. You just need to start somewhere. Anywhere. When I've had this sort of conversation I've got all stressed and worried and stumbled through the early part of what I've said, but once I see I'm being heard and met with a calm response, I calm down too. I hope you can get to that point too.

Your experience with your ex won't help. Again, I get that having been dumped for another woman more than once. Try to separate that as much as you can though, as well as not letting it make you insecure you also need to not allow it to give your DP an easy ride... don't write off your feelings as just being insecurity until you're sure there's nothing to worry about. If you know what I mean.

You have been together for a decent length of time. Apart from this social media thing, has he ever given you reason to doubt whether you can trust him?

He's never given me any reason to doubt him. Other than this he is a kind, caring man who is always going on about how he wants to make me happy. He constantly does things for me and is always affectionate and telling me he loves me.
But, this has been niggling at me for some time and I've sat on it and tried to let it go but I can't.

Ok, this sounds like you can deal with it. Social media is a funny thing... sometimes people just lose sight of what's appropriate or don't judge things like they would judge real life interactions. Just start by telling him there's some things that are bothering you, you're not quite sure how to word it so just bear with you while you try to get it out. And hopefully he'll listen and respond in a healthy way that considers your feelings. Good luck!!

Thankyou for your replies everyone and @firebrand123 I'll try to find the words to bring it up later this evening if I can.

Let me know how it goes!

I will do. I hate feeling like this and having reason to doubt him but I do. I told him a while ago I didn't trust him, because of past experience and he was hurt I'd even suggest he'd cheat on me.

Could he be paying for private content? A lot of people do that in snap and insta.

I totally get that, I think we've had some really similar experiences.
I've found this book really useful, if you find you ever struggle with insecurity in your relationship more generally: www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Dont-Leave-Abandonment-Relationships/dp/1608829529?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

My DP doesn't and never has? Obviously he bloody fancies women - probably celebs etc, but he doesn't follow any weird pages like that. I'd be livid if he did. I would never do it myself and would expect the same behaviour in response.

You're afraid to bring it up. That's where you're going wrong.

You are afraid to bring it up because........ you fear he'll end it? hold it against you?

If you don't fear being single, then you don't put up with crap.

I'll order that book i definitely could do with making some sense of how I feel.

It's not so much that I'm afraid to bring it up. It's more that I'm so terrible at articulating myself that I'll word what I want to say wrong or end up crying.

It wouldn't surprise me if he was paying for private content to be honest.

Ok so to update. Last night the second the DC went to bed he wanted to know what the problem was because I looked so unhappy.

So I just blurted it all out. I got there in the end and he said all the right things. How those models aren't real, they're not real people blah, blah, blah. He said he'd delete his IG or delete the pages I find offensive and he'll do anything I want to make me happy. I told him to do what he thinks is right. I'm not asking or telling him to do anything. I've just checked and those pages are still there.

I made it crystal clear I don't like those pages and they aren't anything what I'm like so why is he with me? He did say they are probably back from before we got together. But couldn't answer when I asked why he'd recently liked them. He just kept banging on about making me happy and how much he loves me.

Well done for raising the issue with him. You've made it clear that you're not comfortable with it and it doesn't make you feel good, that's all you can do.

Give it a couple of days and if nothing has changed in terms of the pages he follows/posts he likes then you have a decision to make.

If he genuinely loves you and wants to make you happy then he won't continue doing something that he's now aware upsets you.

I agree with MentholChill. You've got it out there, I know it wasn't easy so really well done for finding the strength and words. See what happens now, if he does the right things to support you, and take it from there.

Try not to take it personally. These women are not going to whisk him away from you - they are playing him and all men who 'like' them. Perhaps that's a way of making him rethink if he feels used/duped/stupid?

I think we all enjoy the sight of a younger physique - at 50, and married, I rarely ogle a man my age but do find some men around 30-40 sexy/attractive. I think the difference is that men think about sex a lot more than women and that drives them to look. Is (generally speaking) biological. If nothing else this site shows us women that.

@LiteraryType i know they aren't about to whisk him away but it's gives me an uneasy feeling that I'm not quite good enough for him. As I've previously said I'm overweight, untoned, have stretch marks and generally feel inadequate.

I explained all this to him and as I expected he was understanding to a degree. I'll just have to wait and see what pans out over the next couple of days. I don't think he will unfollow any of the pages he likes. He reckons he hardly goes on it but I beg to differ.

@blueblackgreen I've been thinking about this:
I made it crystal clear I don't like those pages and they aren't anything what I'm like so why is he with me

This is how I felt, as I said before, when my BF was following and liking pics of gorgeous women with no mum tum and big boobs. But this morning I've been thinking about men I would "like" if someone gave me all the Insta feeds and told me to click on who I fancied... they would look nothing like my BF. They'd be tall, have some good tatts, and be nicely toned. My BF is only a little taller than me, no tatts, struggles with his weight a little so usually has a bit of a tum. But I fancy the pants off my BF, we have a great sex life... the men I would find attractive on social media are completely divorced from my real life and don't impact how I see him at all. Real life attraction is much more complex and is influenced by personality, connection, etc.

I think the issue for me, and possibly for you too, is firstly insecurity. Being hurt before by your ex, and possibly other past trauma, is really damaging and leaves us much less resilient so we can't brush this stuff off. But this is the problem with social media, everything is out there now. Previously our blokes might have seen someone on TV or in a magazine, thought they looked hot, but we would have known nothing about it.

When you're in a relationship, I think you have a responsibility with social media to remember that although it's not "real", like your BF said, it can have a real life impact. So out of courtesy, he needs to not be liking and following and possibly communicating with those accounts. And then for our own happiness we need to work on our own insecurities, which is why I recommended that book to you.

Sorry for the long reply, your thread has just really connected with me!

I don’t think it would’ve hurt to say you’d prefer it if he did unfollow them. He still has a choice, but you’ve made your stance on it crystal clear for future reference.
I know it’s been said many times already but no, not all men do this. My husband doesn’t at all and I wouldn’t appreciate it if he thought that was acceptable. I’m sure he appreciates other women at times but he isn’t so lacking in class that he’s ogle them, follow them, message them or anything else. It is immature and sleazy and not what I would want from a man.

Actually I’ve just had a better read, seems like you were very clear. If he ignores that still, and continues as he was, I think that’s very telling, and it’s clearly more important to him to keep sleazing over women on Instagram than it is to keep his real-life partner from feeling shit about herself.

@ughmaybenot that's what I think if he continues to follow them after all that's been said then I may well reevaluate things.

@firebrand123 everything you say resonates with me too. I'll definitely order that book. I have zero confidence and self esteem because of various things.

@blueblackgreen It might be worth a quick read about fear of abandoment before you order it, just to make sure that resonates with you as it's the focus of the book, I'd hate for you to waste your money on my recommendation But for me it's really helped with understanding where my lack of confidence and self esteem comes from and how I can try to view things differently.

Anyway, keep us posted on how things go with your BF. I really hope he takes some positive action off the back of your conversation.