I feel alone

[piperm]

I don't know how to explain this
My son is three months old
Ever since i was 12 I suffered from anxiety and depression, I never told people because i was always terrified of people calling me unstable or crazy
Anyways
Since i was 3 months pregnant I started getting much better, no more suicidal thoughts, less self hatred, more calm and much happier
Of course when my DS was born i had something my nurse and I called sundown sadness where around 9pm-4am i was extremely emotional extremely sad
I got over that when he was 8 weeks old thankfully
But lately I've been extremely upset again, it hasn't affected how I take care of my son, i play with him and keep him happy as much as i can, but when he falls asleep for the night it's like this switch to let everything out, my fears and insecurities and paranoid of everything.
I don't have thoughts of killing Myself but i get thoughts of "what if?'s" , what if my son gets extremely ill what if my boyfriend leaves me what if I'm not good enough etc.
My sons father (boyfriend) knows of my past, he's seen me at my best and worst and tries to support me but he just doesn't understand how i wish he did, he doesn't knows how to explain how he feels so when it comes to support he's not very good at it- which isn't his fault
I just feel so alone and I'm scared and I don't know what to do or know anyone who understands

Have you had any kind of therapy for your anxiety? I understand that CBT can be very helpful for these kinds of conditions and there are various CBT workbooks you can work through. I also find it easy to catastrophise and obsess about things going wrong but have learnt to let go of these thoughts as I've got older - or rather, recognise them for what they are - thoughts which only have as much meaning as I choose to attach to them.

Also, i think obsessing about things happening to your baby is actually very common. I tormented myself with thoughts of dropping DD1 or leaving her behind somewhere when I was out with her (never did either, of course); another friend who lived next to a river was convinced she would somehow flick her baby out of her pram and into the river. That never happened either! There's probably a depressive element about it but I think it's also about your mind adjusting to having a new little person in the world who is totally and utterly dependent on the care that they receive from the adults around them. It's a huge responsibility. It's wonderful and exciting, too, but it is massive! Of course, you're equal to it and I'm sure you're doing a marvellous job. And you will become more relaxed about it as time passes and your child grows and becomes a bit more self-sufficient. I really struggled with anxiety for the first several months when DD1 was born; with DD2 I wondered what on earth I'd found so hard! But I do think it's a fairly common part of the adjustment to becoming a parent.

The truth is there are no guarantees. We can't control life - sad and upsetting events do happen. Then again - so do wondrous and life-affirming events and in most people lives those events are actually far more common but we tend to notice what's going wrong rather than what's going right. Our job is to learn to live with the uncertainties of life - to learn to sail our ship through them. Indeed, you might find visualisation helpful - sometimes i find it helpful to picture myself as a ship on a storm-tossed sea - riding the waves (not sinking!!!). I may be getting thrown about but my ship keeps righting itself and I sail onwards. At a time like this, it can be fun to envisage humankind all in their ships riding the same storm-tossed ocean - all basically going in the same direction - getting knocked off course and then straightening ourselves up and moving onwards.

You might find Susan Jeffers very helpful - "Embracing Uncertainty" (which I haven't read but which comes highly recommended) and "End the Struggle and Dance with Life" (which I have). Susan Jeffers was definitely a go to for me when I needed lifting up.

Is there any chance you have postnatal depression? Pregnancy hormones stay in your system for a year after birth, so you will have bad patches on top of your existing anxiety.

When my baby would sleep at night, I'd get awful thoughts running through my head. What if she died in her sleep? What if she gets kidnapped? What if I drop her? I'd also feel very suicidal. I didn't recognise i had post natal depression and it took me 6 months to seek the help I desperately needed after she was born. My hormones vanished by the time she was 14 months and consequently felt much better for it.

Would you consider taking antidepressants for a while? Speak to your doctor.

@RLEOM hi! I take antidepressants, I have since pregnancy and that's why I've been able to keep myself strong enough to stay away from that area in my mind, as for the other part no I don't believe so, my nurse keeps a constant eye on me for signs though

@Dery thank you so much I'll have to look into reading both, and I really appreciate everything you said it made me relax knowing I'm not going crazy and it's something every mom goes through!!

I second Susan Jeffers. Great books.