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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner's Double Life Online

17 replies

Abbey5 · 22/04/2020 23:35

Hello, I'd be so grateful for your advice... A few months ago I found my partner (male) of over 10 years, chatting online in a lesbian chat room, pretending to be a lesbian. He was using a photo of a pretty woman in her mid-twenties, and chatted and personal messaged lesbians, transgender women and shemales. I've caught him countless times and each time he promised never to do it again. He always breaks this promise. He insists that he’s doing nothing wrong, that it's nothing sexual - that he's helping people with their problems, and also having a joke and a laugh. He literally could not see that his lying to me IS something bad. He's mostly drunk when he does this, but not always. He says he's had some 'close friendships' in this chat room and insists that they weren't sexual, which I find hard to believe as he likes lesbian porn. I'm sure he's living out his fantasies online, but I'm also wondering how it might progress further. He insists that he loves me and has always found me attractive. Our sex life had been 0 for years, until recently when we tried to make a go of it and I tried to trust him again. But then I found his new persona is a trangender woman. He watches transgender and shemale porn and uses anal dildos on himself. How can I help him if he can’t help himself? I can’t control his actions. I can only control my own. I feel terrible for even mentioning this because of what’s happening in the world right now with the coronavirus. All that he’s done and his refusal to talk about it, or listen to what I have to say is making everything so much worse. I just want to run away, but I can’t.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you can help :)x

OP posts:

category12 · 22/04/2020 23:42

Well, he's obviously not going to give it up, no matter how many times you row about it. So it's either accept it or end the relationship, really - he doesn't want to stop and just gives it lip-service to shut you up.

You can run away if you want - you're allowed to leave/change households, just not go to and fro between them.

LittleWing80 · 23/04/2020 00:32

He is a cheat and he won’t change. If it’s nothing sexual why does he pick lesbian and other sexual orientation forums? Why not a pottery or fishing forum? It’s also vile of him to deceive those women who think they are talking to a woman.

He is engaging in sexual conversations, maybe online activities outside of what you both agree was a monogamous marriage.

No point in arguing, begging, telling him by staying you signalling that you don’t like the behaviour but accepting it. If you don’t accept it, you’ve got to leave him. It’s hard now and maybe something you might want to postpone until after lockdown especially if you have children but think carefully about what you want and follow through with your decision.

MMmomDD · 23/04/2020 00:32

OP - you aren’t going to like what I am about to say, but I think you are in denial about this relationship.
His online chatting as a lesbian woman is really not the issue here, it’s a symptom.

He is clearly struggling with his sexual identity, and not ready to admit it to you, or maybe to himself.
And you have your head in the sand.
You haven’t had sex for years by your own admission. So the issues have been there for a very long time.

You don’t have many choices here, I am afraid. This is nicer going to be a traditional relationship, and it has never been.
You can stay and support him as he comes to terms with his sexuality, and possibly takes it forward - transitions, if this is something he needs, etc.
Or you can leave.

‘Solving’ his secret chatting isn’t really going to change anything.

Devlesko · 23/04/2020 00:40

You know in your heart that he's been like this from the start. I'm sure he hasn't meant to hurt you, but you are both in denial for your own reasons.
He isn't the man you thought he was, and it appears he isn't either.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but you deserve some happiness and should put yourself first. You can still support him as a friend, from somewhere else.

SandyY2K · 23/04/2020 00:43

OP... read these sentences individually.

I've caught him countless times

and each time he promised never to do it again.

But he did and continues to.

He always breaks this promise.

Because he knows that you keep taking him back...so why should or would he stop.

He insists that he’s doing nothing wrong,

So the crux of it is that he is making promises he has no intention of keeping, because he doesn't see anything wrong in what he's doing.

To add to that...after catching him countless times you stay with him.. so he doesn't have the motivation to stop. He'll never stop.

You just have to decide to put up with it or leave.

He's a catfish...he's being deceptive to those women and I would find that totally unacceptable. He lies about who he is to them and he lies to you.

Unless you want to continue wasting time with a liar...you need to step away from the relationship.

He doesn't have any integrity.

SandyY2K · 23/04/2020 00:45

How can I help him if he can’t help himself?

He doesn't feel he needs help...let him be what he wants to be...you just don't need to stick around for the ride.

Thesuzle · 23/04/2020 00:47

Jeeez. I yelped at. “ Anal dildos on himself”, yikes get shot of him

Downunderduchess · 23/04/2020 01:15

There’s a lot of complex issues going on here. Unless you are happy to keep living the life you have at the moment then there’s possibly only one other option and that is to make decisions based on your own future and what you want that to be, which would not be what you have now. I wish you luck.

CandyLeBonBon · 23/04/2020 01:17

newstarting · 23/04/2020 08:15

Anal dildos? You can’t compete with that! Why are you bothering? He’s hiding his true identity/feelings.

SpudsAreLife84 · 23/04/2020 08:18

You both sound unhappy in your relationship for many reasons, so why do you continue to be together?

ChristmasFluff · 23/04/2020 09:26

Forget 'complex issues' and other explanations of his 'reasons' for doing this. He's a catfishing liar. No-one needs to be a catfishing liar in order to explore their sexual identity.

Unless a catfishing liar is the man of your dreams, get rid.

Original poster

Abbey5 · 23/04/2020 10:03

Can't stop crying. it's such a relief to get all this off my chest and talk about it with you all. I have no close friends that I feel I can talk about this with. I was a virgin when I met him. He's the only man I've ever had sex with. We've been together 30 years! for god's sake - 30 years! I feel like i've wasted my life!!!!!! Before the corona virus I was on the brink of leaving him. Since lockdown he's started to talk to me about his sexuality, that he's been using the anal dildos for 10 years. 10 years ago i had breast cancer and he supported me through that. He told me that he didn't think i had a sexual libido any more because of the tablet i take every day to stop it from returning. I'm not sleeping properly, having panic attacks and anxiety to the point where i throw up.

OP posts:

LittleWing80 · 23/04/2020 10:59

I’m sorry to hear this OP. It must be very painful for you and not an easy decision when someone has been your life partner for so long.
It’s good that he is opening up to you, some PPs suggested he might be struggling with his sexuality but the element of deceit is mot right.
Because you have been nagging he has recently admitted this to you but immediately turned it back on you. He THOUGHT your libido had gone. The right thing to do would have been to talk to you about it before carrying out his dirty little online second life.

It will be hard, maybe couple counseling would help if he is willing to sort if out one way or another but he is dismissive of your feelings. He doesn’t sound ready to leave and explore what it is that he wants or stay and commit solely to your relationship.

You are suffering and he is more interested in having his cake and eating it.
Sending you a virtual hug x

AgentJohnson · 24/04/2020 07:22

The cycle of you catching him, him making excuses and false promises is doing your MH no good. This is who he is and he has zero interest in being different, which puts the ball in your court.

TwistyHair · 24/04/2020 07:28

That sounds hard for you. Especially having been together for so long and also that you’ve been hoping he’ll change for so long. He’s either being a total dick and getting a power trip off misleading women or he’s struggling with his sexual identity. Either way, he’s not going to change. Maybe he is trans himself but has never been able to say. 30 years is a long time to be married and so maybe it’s only more recently that he’s found that he has an outlet for his confusion in these forums.

fuckinghellthisshit · 24/04/2020 07:35

On feminist chat there is a thread of women who have been thru similar experiences and may be able to offer you some good advice. It seems a lot of men have issues with their sexuality and gender identity as they get older. Their selfishness really is depressing.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3668898-trans-widows-escape-committee-3-rise-of-the-trans-widows?pg=36

I think posting on the feminist boards would get you some good advice and support.

Flip