Ex and me in limbo, broken up but own house together

[cestlavie3]

I’m in a real mess. Me and my boyfriend bought a house less than six months ago, it was meant to be a fresh start for us. However we have not been speaking over the past month, we are very strained with one another and have essentially broken up though it’s not really been verbally said, it’s an elephant in the room as we are sleeping in separate rooms, not making eye contact etc. We are only 28. I feel really sad about it all but think me moving out might really be for the best as things haven’t been right for some time and I don’t want either of us to be unhappy. I am finding it difficult to know what to say to break the ice, but I have put it into a text and I think I might ask him if we can have a discussion and lay our thoughts out over text as I can’t seem to get across how I really feel when speaking. Please can I have opinions on this text:

“Although I love you, neither one of us is happy and living in this stifling atmosphere of misery is emotionally damaging as I’m sure you would agree. So I will leave, I can see no other option now in light of how strained things have become, I don’t know what has happened but this is not the way we should feel - so will you stay in this house or would you rather sell it? If you stay can you afford to pay the mortgage or would you need to have someone else move in? If selling, what will happen to the dog? When we are out of this limbo we will both feel better I think. I am sorry that this is what has happened to our relationship, and sorry that buying this house and having a fresh start has not turned out the way we had hoped. X“

I am not too worried about the financial aspect of all this, or rather I am but less so than the emotional fallout, that’s what I’d like advice on

Please anyone? I’m sobbing in bed

Hi, sorry to hear this, what was the initial argument about?

You are so lucky you are 28.

And you've found out. Get all the legal paperwork and the dog ready to go. Don't let him see this. Then try amicable. When it doesn't work go.
Or change the locks and make him go.

Been there done that. Stop being nice. It won't help.

Send it. At least you will start some kind of conversation, even if just over text.

I'm also better over text than in person especially if emotional.

The sooner you have some clarity over what's happening, the better.

Would either of you consider relationship counselling to uncover what's happening between you two?

I can’t even remember anymore. Housework all being left for me to do I think. The point is this is our normal, we cannot seem to get on unless we are on holiday, that’s the only time.

Living with someone can be really tricky at first and takes some getting used to. Had you been together long before buying the house? Have you guys actually had a row about something specific?

Yes we have been together six years and living together for most of it

I think you need to be brave and actually speak to him. If you split, there are 2 choices: one of you buys out the other-unlikely if you only bought 6 months ago, neither of you can probably afford it (unless one of you earns shit loads) or you can sell and split the equity.

Is he likely to respond to a text? Why wouldn’t you just speak?

You are assuming an awful lot it seems, do you know for a fact he's unhappy and is being emotionally damaged? maybe phrase it differently and let him actually tell you what he feels. Also there's a couple of questions that go off the presumption that you will both sell your house without you actually getting an answer as to wether he wants to sell. Also you say you'll both feel better when out of limbo, but he might not agree with that. I wouldn't like to be told how I will/should feel to be honest, I'd find it a bit offensive. The healthy thing to do would be to tell him you want to talk some stuff out, and hopefully he's ready to do that.

Has all this come to a head because of the lockdown? As this is really taking it’s toll on a lot of relationships!

I have to say I agree with @Sulkypatsy - you’re better off having a chat face to face and talking about things rather than over text. Text can be misconstrued terribly. You obviously know each other quite well having been together such a long time. I think you owe it to one another to actually talk face to face.

I think if he wanted to salvage this he might do something to help me for example the washing up. But he sits on his computer all evening playing games. I just feel very drained and it’s not just from lockdown. I feel terrified at the thought of life without him, but dread at the thought of living a life of constant bickering and mood swings on my part.

If u really want a text conversation, dont send this text, it just leaves little space for a meaningful output.
maybe you could say "hi bla, i'm contemplating leaving the house soon, and there are many questions we need to work on wrt the mortgage, is this a good time to text"?
and let him come back. You risk him ignoring ur msg, you better off speaking f2f tbh

Are you both on the mortgage?
Could he get the full mortgage amount on his own?
If not, then you need to sell and move on.
You can't have a mortgage on this house and then move with your life.
What deposits did you both put down?
You need to be financially completely split from him.
So what are your options if that is the case?
You are in the same house.
You really need to discuss this face to face.
Send him a text if you must but make it clear you need to sit down and talk about finances.
Start packing up your stuff anyway so you can get out.
This must be a horrible atmosphere to live in.

You’ve already admitted you feel terrified about life without him, so don’t make any rash decisions.
Lockdown is hard. End of. Everyone’s daily routine has been changed and it is hard to adjust. Even the most stable relationships can suffer the strain. I’m with you in the whole housework thing, but I think part of that is just men. Mine is a selfish so and so and spends most of his time on the computer or watching tv. Now and again he will pitch in and help but a lot of the time he won’t. He doesn’t seem to see why chores are urgent, as there’s so much time to do them.
I could have stopped speaking to him numerous times. Like literally he makes my blood boil sometimes but I also get that this isn’t how life was before and isn’t likely to continue forever.

If you are looking for a way out then obviously you need to work out what you want. If you’re just frustrated by the current situation then both of you need to have a chat and stop being so stubborn. I’m sure once people get back to their normal routines, a lot of the added tension etc will pass.

Don't send that text.

If you need one to start a conversation focus on 2 things

1 You are both obviously unhappy - is there a way together you can change this before taking more permanent steps to split.

2 if you formally split you will need to discuss your options with regards selling the house and splitting the proceeds.

You should get proper advice from a solicitor as to how you split the proceeds of the house sale. Therefore any discussions you have are from a position of actual knowledge and you can then make proper steps for your future.

Do not move out until you have spoken to and got advice from a solicitor.

I wouldn't text him. You live together. Sit down after dinner and tell him you can see it's not working and you are ready to leave. Say you need to discuss practical issues like whether he wants to buy you out, or should you put the house on the market. Unless you both want to make a huge effort to change the dynamic so you both feel happy, loved, respected and strong together, there's no point in staying together or having agonised emotional heart-to-hearts. Sort out the money and issues like who keeps the dog.

I agree that proposed text is too much. You both need to agree that the relationship is in trouble and then what to do about it. For you it means splitting and that’s fine. But he needs to hear that and accept it. Then you can talk about money and practical things.

I would examine what it is you want here. It is very counterproductive to raise the threat of splitting as a means to forcing change. Don’t go down that avenue unless you are resolved to splitting no matter what.

Equally after 6 years you must recognise he is who he is. He won’t change. At best he will try for a bit and then revert. The new house was meant to be new beginning. It didn’t work.