I have name changed due to the fact that some of this may be outing. I read this board frequently in hope of coming across something that will help but feel I now need to post. I hope that someone can offer some advice from an outside view. I have been with my husband for 19 years, two children. I have recently re-trained as a midwife. For a long time I have felt smothered by him. He is very loving, always says everything he does is to make me happy. He is kind and really will do anything for me, except be honest. He has never really socialised with friends, only ever me and my friends. I have a wide circle of friends and am very sociable. He texts me very frequently, telling me he loves me, if I don't reply then sometimes he will text again 30 mins later saying the same thing, he misses me, I'm his world etc If I go out it's the same. He will message to see how it's going, will offer to pick me up no matter where I am or what time it is or will be awake when I get in. He will constantly try and kiss me when we are at home. If I'm busy getting on with something he is there in front of me wanting a kiss. I can often feel him watching me often from across the room. If I look up he will just say something like you are so beautiful. All this seems very caring, but I feel it's more about control. From the outside, everyone thinks he is wonderful, he's helpful and friendly to anyone. In our younger years together he had a stint in rehab due to cocaine use. At the time all this happened we split up. It was not a world I was used to. We later reconciled and went onto have our 2nd child, me believing he would not go down the same road. On and off over the years there have been periods where he has sneakily done it. I would find evidence. He mostly denied it or sometimes would admit it and say it was a one off. Recently it came to light that over the last couple of years he has been doing it more frequently behind my back. And had run up debt it doing so. I have been suspicious and questioned him over the period but he would always deny it. His excuse for doing it was he was unhappy because I am always tired/busy studying the last few years and turning his advances down so he feels unwanted. But he realises now it's not the life he wants and he has stopped and wants us to be happy. There is also an issue with sex, quite honestly I just don't feel like it and haven't for a long long time. For years he has asked for it daily. If I say no, he will text and ask for it. Then he will try and bargain and offer to do something practical for me if I just do it quickly. A lot of the time I've just done it for an easy life. I know it can't be nice for him if I continue to turn him down and I feel guilty that I don't feel that way towards him. I question if it's me and I'm being selfish by rejecting his advances when he cares for me and has supported me with my change in career, which hasn't been easy for him. Should I be happy? If not, I just can't see how to change the life I am living. The house, business, children, everything that goes with it. He appears to love me more than anything and I fear the fallout if we were to split. I know he would not leave me alone easily. I just don't know what the answer is.