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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Needy work colleague

11 replies

RefreshingOcean · 22/04/2020 18:00

I work in tourism, so everyone has been furloughed at my company, we have no idea if we will ever return. Communication from bosses has been non-existent so some staff have been keeping in touch so we don't feel completely out of the loop.

There is a man who will not stop messaging me. At first it was ok, as I felt out of the loop. Then he started messaging repeatedly and asked if he could call me as he had some information about work (which was fine). Then he wanted to call me every day - sometimes more than once. In the end I said there is no point calling, I have nothing to say.

The last few days he has asked why I am taking longer to reply to messages - I wasn't replying immediately and taking up to an hour or more. He says 'I thought we were going to get through this together and it's a shame you have changed' . I said 'I am not ignoring you, I just can't speak you every minute of the day. I will reply as and when'. He then asks what I could possibly be busy doing as we are in lockdown and can't go out etc.

I've got to the rude end of being nice with him - told him not to be so needy and dependent on me, and if he's lonely he has a wife he can speak to. That I will still reply if messages are important. He still sends me essays, continually saying he doesn't understand why I have changed.

If I am made redundant I won't talk to him again because he's boring me, but I'm in sticky situation as I don't want to be too rude and create an awkward atmosphere if we are colleagues again. What would you do?

OP posts:
milienhaus · 22/04/2020 18:02

Wow he sounds awful. Can you speak to HR?

SharonasCorona · 22/04/2020 18:12

He sounds like a wanker! It’s not your job to entertain him or emotionally support him!

I hate calling/texting my friends and family let alone needy colleagues! I would say that you are trying to get through this stressful time and just don’t have the capacity to support him at the same time especially as there isn’t anything work related to discuss as you have been furloughed.

Elieza · 22/04/2020 18:40

Invent a boyfriend, perhaps an army type chap or a policeman (someone tough) from your past who has recently been in touch with you again and youve still got feelings for each other and started dating just before lockdown (that you’ve not mentioned before as it’s personal) and and say he was uncomfortable with me talking to you so much (insert colleagues name) so sorry I can’t talk as much but once a week or whatever is fine. Grin

CCaK · 22/04/2020 19:15

He sounds a bit creepy. I'd mute his messages. And ignore any referring to you having changed. Reply maybe twice a week commenting on the weather or the bin collections or something.

Sn0tnose · 22/04/2020 19:43

It’s irrelevant whether you’ll be working with him again. Women are conditioned not to make a fuss. He is harassing you. His behaviour is unacceptable and creepy. It’s him who should be feeling awkward, not you. The only person you need to be concerned about is you and your safety. This is not normal.

In your position, I’d be keeping all communications, just in case you need to escalate things. This makes me feel quite uneasy. There are various websites that provide advice for victims of stalking and I think I’d have a look on there to get guidance on the safest way to respond, or not.

CCaK · 22/04/2020 20:25

Is he older?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 22/04/2020 21:09

You’ve already told him it’s too much and he hasn’t desisted. Tell him one last time he needs to stop it, and then mute/ignore. Keep the messages and let HR know. He’s more than overstepping the line here.

newstarting · 23/04/2020 08:23

Weird and you say he’s married?!? Just say “sorry I can’t reply immediately. I’m taking a comms break. My boyfriend has moved in for lockdown so I’m busy”

ChristmasFluff · 23/04/2020 08:56

Why bother with a pretend boyfriend? Just tell him this is harassing communication and then block him.

And as others have suggested, let HR know.

Honesty is always the best policy.

Nicolastuffedone · 23/04/2020 09:29

Forget a pretend boyfriend! I’d answer anything that was work related only. Ignore everything else.

monkeymonkey2010 · 23/04/2020 19:22

message him: "I haven't 'changed'...i'm maintaining the same professional boundaries where work is concerned."

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