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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To respond or no?

11 replies

Skyisbluetoday · 22/04/2020 13:42

I have namechanged as could be outing. Sorry long. I met a man OLD around 12 years ago when I was 34 - he said he was 42 but a month or so into our relationship revealed he was 48. He said he was open to have children, but just after we moved in together he told me he had changed his mind. Turns out this was sort of his modus operandi prior to me as well as after me. His previous GF really wanted kids and he strung her along for years . Anyway - long story short - we had two break-ups over the next two years and he turned out to be a big twat - but I always felt a bit sorry for him (he had his ways) and also suffered from self esteem issues. When we broke up the second time (he dumped me the first time) this was because I read some pretty awful private messages in which he made it clear he did not love me, felt lonely and thetefore was back together with me. I always kind of felt he stayed logged into his facebook account on purose on my PC so I would read the messages. We kept some contact after that. Not at first, but he has always been quite persistent in keeping in touch with all his exes. Contact was very sporadic and only via email or text. He always was the initiator and I gave short, bland replies. He had one serious GF after me (who was even younger than me and he swore blind did not want any more kids), then a number of less important ones he talked about in a derogatory way. I realised I did not want his contact anymore. I just felt so gutted that I had spent so much of such an important time of my life on such an idiot who likes to think he is somehow entitled to a woman much younger than him and literally wasts her time when she has no time to lose. I just did not reply to his message and then not to the next sent a few months later and then, without me planning to, I was ghosting him (which is awful in general, I know). I think because I was very happy, pregnant with my first child, good stable relationship etc I just did not want him to be part of my life, but I also did not want the potential conflict of telling him so - or cause him hurt. This is now around six years ago. He still contacts me around 1 - 2 times per year, ignoring the fact that I am ignoring him. A couple of days ago he messaged me that he has cancer and that his treatment has been delayed and that he is worried it might spread and that he is sorry he broke up with me... I now feel so annoyed with myself for not making it clear to him I wanted no more contact. I dont want him in my life, but feel I have to respond. Responding at all will just encourage him though. I dont like being a bitch. What would you do?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2020 13:45

Do not respond at all to him, to such disordered if thinking people a response is the reward. Block and delete.

VettiyaIruken · 22/04/2020 13:47

You do not have to respond.
You owe him nothing.

HypatiaCade · 22/04/2020 13:48

Ignore him and block him. He has the hide of a rhino to still be messaging you a few times a year for 6 years.

He may well have cancer, or he might not. Either way he is of no importance to you and has no place in your life.

Rainbowshine · 22/04/2020 13:48

Just delete the message so that you’re not tempted to reply. Why do you think you need to respond? Because he’s written a message all about him and his woes. He’s not done that for your benefit only for his own selfish reasons.

VettiyaIruken · 22/04/2020 13:49

He is probably doing c&p jobs on all his exes, seeing which ones will bite.
Do not fall into the female socialisation trap of prioritising Niceness To Men above all else.

DPotter · 22/04/2020 13:53

Think Vettiyalruken has it
Please don't reply. Delete this message and any others and block him. On your phone and all other social media

merryhouse · 22/04/2020 13:54

You don't like him (for eminently sensible reasons).

You have no relationship with him.

You are not going to be There For Him, for both those reasons.

What would be the point of replying?

Rainbowshine · 22/04/2020 14:34

@VettiyaIruken has hit the nail on the head.

Do not reply and delete the message. Then block his email and phone and any other connection such as social media.

He is no one to you.

penisbeakers · 22/04/2020 14:37

Guilt tripping twat. Tell him to fuck off.

Cocobean30 · 22/04/2020 14:53

Just ignore him

Skyisbluetoday · 22/04/2020 15:39

Thank you all. I think that was unanimous! Luckily we have no social media connections and as he is not one of my contacts he cannot even see I read his whatsup message. I will just block him completely now. I just hoped that he would give up if he never got a reply. You are right - he must be quite thick skinned to just keep going for all this time without getting any reaction!

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