My mum and my son

[StrawberryDaiquiriPlease]

I'm staying with my parents for this lockdown with 12 yr old DS, as well as my sister. I've tried to be unobtrusive, also doing everything my DM asks, my parents have said it's nice to have us and they have plenty of space. Weve got on very well with my DFather and my DMother has been quite jealous for example when my DF was teaching my DS how to do a BBQ saying to me "ooo grandad is DS's favourite" in a sarcastic way. My DM is frequently moaning at me about my DS or stepping into the role of mum and rewriting our plans. She originally set duties such as I vacuum and DS wipes door handles and my sister often cooks if DM is not planning to. If I have set rules with DS e.g. you study with me until 15.30, we tidy up the work table, go for a walk, help set up dinner, have a family dinner around 18.30 then tidy up from dinner. Generally I say DS can have a snack for desserts such as a bowl of cereal the problem is DM will change something e.g. take away a treat I promised such as watching netflix and says something like DS can read a book in French with me which obviously DS would hardly look forward to but DM would. DM is really winding me up by sidling up to me to say she saw DS looking at you tube when he should have been doing school work, or can DS wash his hands more frequently... she's decreed that I must ensure DS has a bath first and me second so that I can check the bathroom is always left neat, it's simply irritating to me that shes always trying to catch him doing something wrong. When she is talking to me about him I feel very angry. Last night I had a bath and she came up to hiss in my ear that she had seen him drawing and then walking up to the bathroom door at 21.15 when I was in the bath and I needed a proper schedule for him. I turned away from her and could not speak as i was so angry i did not know what i could say. In my opinion that is fine!!! She has really odd views on things. Her friends have asked to facetime and shes made a plan that DS will talk in front of the phone first, then my sister then me etc...
She mainly dislikes DS I think because he is a 12 yr old boy and shes got no idea we are no longer living in the 1950s what can I do and say which does not result in a big argument!?

Poor you. Do you have to stay with her?

Thank goodness you're on the side of your son and not hers. You could tell her how her petty rules are making you feel. but I'm not sure whether this would be destructive rather than constructive. Depends on how she would take it.

I know I need to. I will have a go today to say it but previous experience tells me she wont change. Previously she has told me she has to make the rules as I'm not parenting him. One day she even said I need to bring him up not drag him up! I am a teacher and I know he has extremely good manners. I also know he has flaws as we all do.

Second the question, do you have to stay there? Moving because of an argument with family members is an acceptable reason at the moment so if you can, I urge you to do so.

Your poor DS. I'm NC with my mother for similar reasons so I completely sympathise with you both.

My late Nan would do something similar but it was always unintentional and without malice. She undermined by Mums parenting quite often especially with me and my Mum would take a step back as she's a bit of an introvert and never really knew how to deal with my Nan's assertiveness.

I learnt as I got older when she tried to take over things I would politely tell her 'Thank you for the advice however, I'm going to do this the way I think'. She'd get the arse but eventually it sunk in that her way wasn't always the right way and I needed to learn to do things for myself.

I think you just need to reaffirm whenever she tries to change something that's there's already a schedule and that you plan to stick to it - if she's frosty then you'll have to take it, but it's better than your son sees you have his back instead of avoiding small confrontations to nip her behaviours in the bud.

Thanks Meadows that's helpful.