Alcoholic friend WWYD (v long)

[friendofalcoholic]

Name changed for this.

I have a friend who is an alcoholic. Over the past few months I've realised how much she is. I knew she had a problem with drinking, but I saw it as a form of self-harm/band-aid (depending on the situation) of someone who was hurting deeply. I have supported her to get psychological help to help with the underlying problems, as well as the drinking.

This has gone on for years. And it's been fine, because I always had hoped things would change and she genuinely was trying with the therapy. But for whatever reason it's not really going well (I think she needs more intensive treatment, but she won't let me come to a session - fine her choice, just saying that's not an option).

She is one of the loveliest people I've ever met. She's got a heart of liquid gold - kind and tender.

But I'm exhausted. I can't list everything that's happened, because basically I'm tired and it's not unusual for an alcoholic. Think risky behaviours. Alienating people, including family.

So tonight she sent me a garbled message about me being on "the Muslims side" but her "experiences are different". I had NO idea what she was talking about. A few more garbled messages and basically her latest guy had some family members killed years ago in a war that involved Muslims. So she was messaging me out of the blue to tell me that she knows I'd support the murderers, but she doesn't.

I'm really sorry if you're reading this and are offended - I'm fucking furious. In between the messages I told her that there is no "the Muslims side" other than if it's how God is viewed (and even then it's no my monolithic!). I've told her it's incredibly insulting and I don't want to have messages like that again. Then for the first time in my life, I've blocked her.

The reason she said I'd support "Muslims" is because I have a lot of friends who come from a predominantly Muslim country. I can't begin to express the million and one things that is wrong with this, what this implies about how she views my friends and my and their judgements etc. I'm furious. I know from the garbled messages that she was drunk, but I've had enough. I don't care how drunk she is, some things are just not ok.

I've put up with a lot of stuff from her - telling her boyfriends of 1-2 weeks intimate details about about my sex life, details of my own therapy due to abuse - she knew these because we were very close. I never discuss these things normally, I'm very private.

I'm writing all this because I don't know what to do. She's cut everybody off. All her friends. She did this in the past few weeks and told me all she needs is me and her mother. Her mother is very sick. We don't live in the U.K. I'm the only person she has here except for random men off the internet...

I've also got a very emotionally draining home life, am doing long term trauma therapy myself (now on Skype), which is draining, and the lockdown is making home even more tiring. I don't need or want this sh*t from her. But what do I do?

I am very able to cut her off and not spend too much time worrying after it's done, but I feel that's callous here. I don't want to be mean to someone whose suffering I know very well, yet I also can't cope with this stuff. There are also messages sporadically about killing herself Those are the ones when she likely wouldn't. When she's tried, she hasn't told me until later.

So should I be ending this friendship - it would be a relief but sad, or trying something else? Any advice??

Thanks for reading!!!

I think you should realise that people with serious alcohol problems stop being friends.

They do this by doing exactly what this woman has done. They wear out their welcome by demanding everything on their terms. You cannot ever have an honest exchange with them about drinking. And yet, as you are finding, they reserve the right to contact you with alarming messages at odd hours, which will really worry you.

What alcoholics need is to stop loathing themselves and take responsibility. But they don’t, and if you carry on, you will be worn out by it.

I would distance yourself and say why. You do care, but a good person will set boundaries with alcoholics so that you can keep what you have. You are not a parent figure. Your friend wants a parent to forgive her. This is a huge burden that you should resist.

I've got a very similar friend with a serious drink issue. She too has alienated a lot of people. I'm very worried about her but she has in recent months started to be pretty horrible to me at times and although I know it's the drink talking, I'm pretty weary with it all.
She won't get help although I think she does see she has a problem (which she then 'solves' by drinking more). It's very sad and I worry for her kids who I I've known since they were tiny and who I love.

I've stepped back a bit from it for my own mental health really... I'll
Always be there if she is in serious trouble (or the kids are) but I've removed myself from the high drama of it all.

Lex thanks. Yes, what you say fits pretty snugly. She wants a parent to love her, which is my soft spot because I know that feeling too well. But she has stopped being able to be my friend. And while I don't think I'm trying to be a parental figure to her, what you've said has made me realise where a tension originated because I think she sees me as/wants me to be one. And I definitely don't want to be so I've pushed back without understanding why.

Many more boundaries are needed - explicit ones. You're right. Thanks.

Murray sorry that you have a friend like this too. Especially as she won't seek help. And the kids, yes, that's a heartbreaking situation with my friend too, although a) youngest is nearly old enough to leave home and will be and b) I didn't realise years ago that this was a real problem so I didn't do anything. If I knew then what I do now, I'd have done some things differently. I don't drive though, so can't actually get to her house without 40+ minutes on public transport or about £50 taxi each way! So couldn't drive over and pick her youngest up and bring him to mine for some breathing space. I feel really bad about that.

Hope your friend can get herself some good help at some point.

Unfortunately you cannot save her, she needs to want to do that for herself.

It is a difficult situation for you, because going either way has potential emotional consequences for you, not so much for her, because all she is focused on is alcohol and you don't control that.

Part of you will feel bad for walking away, but this is countered by the fact that she actually needs professional help and you are not qualified to provide that. You should not feel guilty for admitting that. She needs to help herself.

Her behaviour is having a negative impact on your mental health, making you doubt yourself as a person, twisting your life and putting a new narrative to it. This cannot be allowed to continue. You have sought and are having your professional help. You are helping yourself.

Do yourself and her a massive favour and put up appropriate boundaries about how you are willing to be treated. You matter and you are doing your best to heal. Don't get dragged under by someone who isn't even trying.

@chickenyhead funnily enough, this morning I wrote a whatsapp (wanted it written so it couldn't be easily twisted) to tell her I'm always here for her but don't want her to ever contact me when she's been drinking, more than a single mouthful that day. Obviously I don't believe she ever has just a single mouthful, but I know there are days she doesn't drink. So it's not that I want no more contact, just when she can be herself, because after she drinks she changes.

Sent it.

And.

She's blocked me!

I'm so sad to watch her life unravel like this but she if believes she's happier without me then I genuinely hope she is, because I care.

But I'm also a bit relieved not to have to deal with drunken messages..unless/until I'm unblocked!

Ah OP that sounds really tough, but ultimately you need to put yourself first.

I had a friend growing up who had serious alcohol issues by the time we were 15 (really sad, she had unfortunately seen her parents drinking excessively all her childhood). I had to cut contact with her in the end as her behaviour and outbursts were so difficult to tolerate and they were becoming a daily occurrence.

I am sad that the friendship ended, but I know it was the right think to do as I couldn't keep on being her verbal punchbag anymore. Like you, I was the last friend left as well. Apparently she has now been an inpatient at a rehab facility and has got her life on track. I haven't spoken to her since we were younger, so I don't know if it's the case, but I hope for her sake she has.

it isn't easy, but it is also ok to put yourself first.

@friendofalcoholic
You did the right thing for the right reasons.

You are not a bad person, you are just holding a mirror up so that she will one day be able to see what she is doing. This is the right thing to do.

She will unblock you at some drunken future moment when she feels bad and attack you. She knows you too well and she will hurt you deeply. Please don't absorb this when it comes. Just block her. Take that power away. Be in control of what you allow in to your life.

In the future if she ever takes a look in to that mirror, she may make the changes she needs to if she does, she will know how to contact you and make amends properly.

Please protect yourself. You deserve to be treated with kindness and care.

InTheNorth123 Thank you and oh my goodness! This is horrific to watch now (she's in her 50s), but just 15?! That's unimaginable. I hope what you heard was correct. It must have been hard for you.

chickenyhead She unblocked me already! I wasn't expecting that! And she's remorseful! I wasn't expecting that either. But in a way that wants my sympathy and energy and I am not giving it to her - don't have it.

You're totally right about the attack. I'm fully expecting her to post some drunken rant about my abuse or sex life online, probably Facebook, at some point. I'm a very private person (some of it I wouldn't even discuss anonymously on Mumsnet!). I'd never thought about it until yesterday. It makes me feel sick. But just have to deal with it when/if it happens. I'm glad you mentioned the attack though because I hadn't realised it was part of the alcoholic script and that's at least allowed me to know it's par for the course, rather than specifically related to me.