I know hes abusive but I'm too scared to leave. First steps?

[WhenItsAllOver]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, we have an 11 yo Dd and a 7 yo Ds. I've used mumsnet on and off over the years but name changed for this post as it's quite outing.
Dh has anger issues, it started not long after dd was born and I put it down to him being young and hot headed (we were only young having dd) but things got worse as the years went on.
I'll try not to drip feed too much but he has punched me, bit me, slammed my face into a window and man handled me numerous times during moments of rage.
I am a SAHM and have only ever really known that as I've been this way since having Dd. He earns a very good wage and we have a beautiful home together and as an outsider youd think our lives were perfect.
I have anxiety issues and ocd so not always easy to live with so I have excused a lot if his behaviour as being my fault over the years. He has started to become increasing angry in recent months so I went to his mum for help as a last straw and told her about some of the times he has lost it (he has done this very publicly and not just towards me on a few occasions) but I didnt tell her he had been violent towards me.
He agreed to get help and go for counselling which he has shown little interest in since but is taking meds for low mood.
Since being on lockdown the dcs and I have been walking on egg shells and there has been no physical violence so far but it has been a massive wake up call that I need to leave.
Any advice on first steps? I have no job, car or money of my own and I have no family I could live with so I need to have a plan before I walk away.

Get copies of his salary slips if possible. Send a friend these and your passports. Can you squirrel away money? Do you have shared accounts? Pack up, don’t let him know, pretty bloody hard on lockdown, I know, get out. I hope you’re safe, OP. If you feel threatened, please call the police.

I cant squirrel any money I don't have any access to any money at all. Any money I had was put down on a mortgage in his name. Will have to stay here during lockdown i think as I've nowhere else to go.

Just checking that you are married?

Yes we're married.

Very sorry to hear about what you've been through OP.
To echo PP start making plans now and if possible get in contact with local refuges just in case things escalate and you need to leave urgently. As you've alluded to now is not the best time however refuges have alliances with other organizations that may be able to assist and give you a better step by step plan than you'll get on here.
Sadly even with counseling it can hard for ingrained behaviours to ever change so well done you for coming to this decision as some never do.

Have a 'spring clean' of your bedroom and surreptitiously put all your essentials in one or two drawers so it's easier to tip in to bags or a suitcase when the time comes.

I would speak to Women's Aid and ask for a refuge place. They will help you sort out benefits, housing etc

"Have a 'spring clean' of your bedroom and surreptitiously put all your essentials in one or two drawers so it's easier to tip in to bags or a suitcase when the time comes."

"I would speak to Women's Aid and ask for a refuge place. They will help you sort out benefits, housing etc"

Both of these. He sounds very dangerous. You can take your DCs with you to a refuge if there's a place. The government has confirmed you can leave your house to escape domestic abuse during the lockdown.

You might also find helpful information at this link: www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship (this is an American website but a lot of the advice would equally apply here).

There is also some information here about safer internet browsing if you are doing any DV research online: www.reducingtherisk.org.uk/cms/content/internet-safety

Make sure your DH does NOT know what you are planning. It is vital that you keep it entirely secret as he will become more dangerous if he knows he is losing control of you.

How do you manage if you have no access to money at all (which is financial abuse)? Does your DH give you any money for shopping? Could you squirrel some of that away? You say you have no family you could live with. Do you have any family who could provide you with some financial support?

Good luck and keep posting here for support.

I will get some things together just in case, I feel so awful taking my beautiful dcs away from the life they know and their home but I dont feel I have any other options at this point I need to stop kidding myself that he will change.
All the shopping is done online so I never have any money unless I specifically ask for it or use his debit cards. In between the moments of loss of control we've had some nice times I'm just not sure he's capable of normal human emotion. I grew up in a pretty turbulent household with DV on and off so I know how it feels to live through it as a child and dont want my dcs to see anything or feel that unease. I wonder if that's why I've put up with it for so long I really dont want them to get trapped in the vicious cycle.

Your mental health issues are caused by living with an abuser. Don't blame his abuse on your behaviour- it's the other way round

It's very likely your mental health problems will massively improve when you leave him.

It's really important that he doesn't know that you're going to leave until you're ready to go, OP. Please be very very careful.

You don't have other options at this point. The fact that you grew up in a turbulent household with periodic DV is probably one of the reasons why you have stayed in this situation for so long - it was familiar to you and you didn't have a better model on which to create a 'new normal' for yourself. It's great that you are determined to break the cycle for your DC. Yes, it will be hard taking them away from a lovely house and their familiar surroundings. But these are material things and do not make up for living in a household where their mother is in danger and everyone has to walk on eggshells.

All abusers are capable of behaving nicely some of the time - no-one would stay with someone who was constantly abusive. It also keeps their victims off balance.

As PP have said: contact Women's Aid to start the process of sorting out benefits and housing. They may have a refuge space for you if the situation becomes too physically dangerous for you to stay at home. If your DH does attack you physically, you should call the police and they should come and remove him or may be able to take you to a temporary place of safety. (Perhaps you could even go to your MIL as a temporary stopgap if you have nowhere else to go). In any case, your priority is to keep you and your DC safe and find somewhere to build your new life together as soon as possible.

PS - re. calling the police: just to clarify - you don't have to wait for your DH to attack you physically. If he threatens you and causes you to fear a physical attack, that is also sufficient.

Yeah I agree I dont have a choice and will start putting a plan in place now. Does anyone know if I will be offered housing close to dcs school. I'm concerned as to how I'll get them there with no money or car if it's too far to walk. Were a stones throw at the minute (obviously not an immediate concern as were in lockdown)

Well done for making the decision to go, it may be difficult but women do it all the time and have such better lives after....

Be very, very careful whilst you plan, wipe all history from your phone immediately you stop using it, pander to him to keep him happy....

Find mortgage statement, proof of his income, pension statement, saving account documents, any bank statement , birth certificate, marriage certificate , passport, copy or photograph and send it to someone you trust, or find a really hard to find hiding place outside the house.
What part of the country are you in?

Well done for making the decision to leave. Make two plans now:

If all of this was to escalate now - where do You go. You said access to money is hard but even having a quick bit of cash ready for a taxi is a start.

Get your facts and documents together. Prepare and find passports, this is the longer term plan.

You don't mention if there are friends or family who can help you. If you feel that you have lost friends and they won't help you - they will - they most likely haven't known what is going on and how they can help till you reach out.

Lastly with the police - they will help - they helped me with a controlling aggressive husband. It was the police who helped me see what was happening. He was arrested and bailed (assault for pushing and shoving me about) and conditions put in place that he couldn't come near me or contact me. Gave me the space to start my life again.

Also remember 999 55. So if things escalate and you need the police but can't speak - remember 999 55.

Thank you for all the advice, I have got some money for a taxi if the time arrives that I need it thank you that was great advice.
I have contacted womens aid and they have put me in touch with my local domestic violence support so I'm hoping they can help me on the path to getting out.
Does anyone know if he can look through my call log on any kind of bill? He pays for my phone contract and deals with the Bill's so I'm worried he will see the numbers on a statement if I call. Once I leave i will have no access to a phone if he cuts me off so i need to get benefits in place asap. Anyone know where I can get advice on what I'm entitled to?

You can get advice on benefits from the Citizens Advice Bureau: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/

I don't know what he can see from your phone bills. You really need a phone that he doesn't know about which you can use. Or perhaps a second sim card which you add and remove for sensitive calls. I don't really know how these things work but hopefully someone else will be able to explain.

Here are some tips on safe phone usage taken from the following website: makeitourbusiness.ca/resources/tips-for-covering-your-tracks-if-you-are-experiencing-abuse

For safe telephone use:

Change your access code for phone messages if your abuser knows the code used. Do not write down your access code.
Find and use a public telephone, or use a secure telephone at work or of a trusted friend.
Have a trusted friend or co-worker receive telephone messages for you (for example, if you are receiving calls from a lawyer, local shelter, police, etc.)
When people are leaving you voice or text messages, ask them to be careful and to not identify the nature of the call or service (e.g.: that they are phoning with information about protective orders or safety planning, or confirming an appointment with a lawyer or the Crown Attorney, etc.)

Given the amount of control he has over you, I think you should, if at all, possible have one or two reliable contacts IRL (friends/family) who can do some of the legwork for you and perhaps also help you with a second phone. Even if you feel you have drifted from friends and family (abusers tend to isolate their victims, so that's very common), I'm sure there will be people you know IRL who would really want to help you if they knew your situation.