How did you get through?

[LeftFeelingHelpless]

So I’ve recently been left for OW. It’s been roughly 2 months and I’m struggling with my emotions. One minute I’m happy and putting things in place for the future. The next I feel like I’m having an emotional breakdown. I think it’s worse with the whole lockdown scenario. I’m just looking for advice on what others have done to get themselves through a tough time. I’ve seen a lot of threads about being left.

Does anybody have any positive stories about how their lives have changed since their OH left? Any recommendations on how to improve myself and look forward to the future?

I am waiting for my H to leave !! It early days for you. And you will have good days and bad days .
Try to eat something even something small and get up get dressed and get out for a walk if you can . It will take time but you will look back in a year or 2/3 and say yes I am in a better place. That’s what I am hoping for anyway. Best of luck

I am sorry OP. I will not pretend to know how you are feeling. You are only two months in so will still be in a lot of pain. Do you have dc together?

rainandspirit - I stopped eating completely for at least 4 weeks. I’ve lost over a stone and feel a hell of a lot more confident. Even in the short space of time I do look back and see how things are looking up. Some days it hard to find the energy and motivation to walk, but I’m willing to try. Sorry you’re going through the same thing. It seems to be a common occurrence unfortunately. Wishing you all the best!

Faith50 Yes we have to 2 DC together. They’re confused by the whole situation. Some things they say just completely knock me sideways .

When my husband left I was physically heart broken like a pain in my chest. He cleared all his stuff out when I was on holiday with dd and there was a solisitors letter on the mat. Dd was also and still is traumatised he went like that. I’ve realised tho He did nothing for me at all and I’ve been on my own the entire marriage as nothing much has changed. Also I’d forgiven his affairs but he wants to fault me for divorce. Realised I am stronger and better than he is and I can survive. The pain has gone and I don’t love him now

OP Are you receiving any support from friends and family. Do you have anyone to speak to particularly when children have gone to bed?

jane1978xx I just don’t understand how they can be so heartless. I have done everything on my own as well but it doesn’t stop you loving them unfortunately. I’ve had days where I feel like someone is sat on chest, the pain is awful.

faith50 - I’m currently staying with my mum during the lockdown as the breakup came at the wrong time. It’s nice having someone who I know is always there for me but sometimes I just need some space. If that makes sense.

A the good old chest pain. To me it felt like a wall had fallen on my chest.I never know pain like it and please god i never will again. I went to counselling when i 1st found out (last may) went for about 2 months. It helped a little but tbh i dont think she was right for me. But i remember when were talking about the pain. I said that i felt like i was in a corner buried by stone and unable or unwilling to get out. I know that i spent at least 6 months in what i though was coping ok, trying to keep everything normal but when i did come out from under the stone i could see a whole lot clearer and i am stronger for it.
It just takes time. I am guessing you had been together for a long time?? And you are probable going through everything in you head ? questioning was it all a lie? or at least thats what i did and i have to say today has been hard for me. I dont know why but i do know that tomorrow will be better . Stay strong, eat that half slice of toast and evening get out fro 5 mins.
best of luck

rainandspirit - I’ve been speaking to a councillor, it is extremely helpful but it’s so expensive . We was together 7 years, it doesn’t seem overly long but I’m only mid 20’s. So it’s been all my adult life. He told me he’s never loved me and only stayed for the kids. I’m angry he’s wasted years of my life that I’ll never get back. I’m hurt that he could just drop his family like we never meant anything. I’ve deleted all the old family pictures with him in. I know it probably wasn’t the best idea but when I looked back all I saw was lies and hurt. I’m going to do something productive today, get my head out of the sand and be a better woman for my kids. They deserve more than a useless father who can’t be bothered to stay in their lives. Hope your H leaves soon! Must be awful still having him around.

Strategies for coping...:

1. Thank your lucky stars that he left, instead of offering you many fruitless years pretending to `work` on the marriage while using it as an opportunity to manipulate you into pretzeling yourself endlessly.

1. Imagine your past life with him depicted in an Ingmar Bergman movie...

1. Learn about life and how to be independent and be happy alone. Also known as not giving a fuck. There's some useful books that can act as inspiration, such as Women Who Love Too Much or The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. [Not saying that you love too much or have self-esteem issues, but these are genuinely insightful books that have stood the test of time.]

1. Start doing the things you were not able to do when he was around. Listening to Wagner. Painting bright-coloured abstract expressionistic paintings. Reciting The Wasteland aloud. Getting a cat. Start weight-lifting or follow Joe Wicks. Whatever.

1. Don't buy comfort food and don't (habitually) drink alcohol. Very important, this.

There's lots more but this is all I can think of right now. Bottom line: look after yourself, be self-sufficient, do your own thing. And you will thrive. Maybe not today. Maybe not even tomorrow. But if you make a conscious effort, you WILL thrive.

And if you're ever wavering, remember my first point above

Thank you so much FlowerArranger

I am currently half way through women who love too much and it is a brilliant read! I will work through your strategies and I’ll keep myself at the forefront of my decisions. I’m starting to settle in myself now. Yesterday I was dancing round the kitchen whilst cooking the evening meal. I felt alive, and would have never been able to do that whilst he was there.

Thank you everyone for replying to the thread. I supported knowing that others have felt the same way (as awful as that is).

@LeftFeelingHelpless this was me around a year and a half ago, upped and left me with 2 children after 10 years together, I had a breakdown and didn't know how I would cope carry on, he even met someone within 2 weeks and flaunted their relationship all the time in front of me, told me he hated me and he didn't love me, but loves her and she was amazing.
I took the time to work on myself, became independent and listened to pod cast to work on my self esteem, I also had councilling which was the best thing for me. It was a slow process and it doesn't happen over night, but u will find it hurts less and less as time goes on, believe me on this that time is a great healer and I will start to realise that things weren't as rosy and ur brain is probably remembering at the minute. I developed anxiety after the break up so I take saint Jon worts, I'm still on them now and they are so good for me and they are herbal.
I have now met someone (an old friend) and I'm so happy, he is the total opposite to my ex. My ex new relationship isn't great, they are always off and on again, I can't keep up with them, he has now realised that he has rushed into it and didn't deal with the initial break up and is dealing with depression amongst other things, turns out new GF wasn't as great as he thought makes me smile a bit, but in the end he did me the biggest favour ever!