Forgiveness after betrayal

[Namechanged0420]

Met bf 2 years ago. The first 6 months were great in some parts but rubbish in others as he wasn’t really ready for a full blown relationship. We split up at the 9 months mark for a bit, he slept with someone else within a week, messed me around for a couple of weeks after until I stopped contact for a few more weeks. We got back together as he realized he did want a proper relationship etc etc and had been great for the past 12 months apart from the fact I’m struggling within myself to get over what I see as a betrayal. How do I stop thinking about how he treated me then and focus how good it is now? I no longer talk to him about it as it just causes friction and I’m generally happy around him, inside tho I still hurt. I don’t even think he thinks about it anymore. I feel different about him, it’s a good relationship and I do love him, I don’t want what I did, I don’t want us to buy a house together and I don’t want to get married. We both are divorced with children under 10. The children all get on and we do a lot of things together with them. We both own our own houses and previously I wanted to look at getting a place between us as we are always either at his or mine anyway with one house always empty (I’m at his for the lockdown). Now I don’t really know what I want. I believe he is a good man and we can have an amazing life together if only I can get over what happened in the beginning, but how???

Do you talk about this with him?
When you split up before, who decided to end it?

I assume he initiated the split? Maybe he was hoping to pursue a relationship with the woman he immediately slept with but it didn't work out?

Or maybe he just figured you were "on a break" and he was free to pursue any kind of relationship with anyone he chose to.

I wouldn't see it as a betrayal myself but as you are taking it as such then can you talk to him about it? But it's been over a year now, if I've got the timeline right, which is rather a long time to let something like this fester

You need to discuss your feelings with him and either end the relationship if you cannot move past it or leave it in the past and enjoy the relationship for what it is now.

@firebrand123 and @RatherBeRiding I’m not sure initiated the break up, both really, things were quite bad at the time and we had both had enough. I was wanting more and he was pulling away and it had caused arguments. I was stressed with work at the time and wanted the support but was putting too much pressure on a relationship that when we hadn’t been together long. The split was mutual really, although seeing as the same week he slept with someone else instead of leaving a few days after an argument to talk he just put a nail in it, literally. It all happened just over 12 months ago and I was hoping I would of gotten over it by now. I keep thinking maybe if o had jumped into bed with someone then I would of felt better about the situation. There is often things that remind me and I get upset, not as bad as I used to but still hate that it’s happened and will always leave a scare in our relationship.
I wish it didn’t happen but it has and I don’t know how to stop thinking about it.

It makes me insecure about the relationship as in if things get stressful again then that’s his answer. Prob the reason why I don’t want to upset the Apple cart now.

I feel like you need to have a really good talk with him about this. People do weird stuff after a break up, I can see me sleeping with someone quickly as a rebound thing.. but how you feel is what matters, you can't force yourself to just forget about it all.

Has he done anything while in a relationship with you to make you doubt whether you can trust him?

@firebrand123 no he’s not done anything whilst being in a relationship with me, except this girl from last year was lined up, I knew about her at the time and voiced my concerns about her. She made herself available to him being his fall back girl and had been after him for a while. He basically took what was on offer to make himself feel better, I do believe that. He doesn’t have contact with her now. He doesn’t even socialize with that group of friends anymore. When we got back together it was a deal breaker for me, I can’t have him on nights out with her if we got back together so he made that choice himself. I said I would walk away rather than him still socializing with her. He does throw this back in my face that he no longer sees this set of friends occasionally when I do say I’m upset again.

I do trust him mostly, there is alway this doubt in my mind that I couldn’t really 100% trust anyone 100% of the time. Maybe that will come in many years to come but it’s not there at the moment.
I hate feeling like this because there are so many amazing points about our relationship. We work so well together in so many things, have same values, ambitions and a great connection. I also know he would be upset if he thinks I’m not happy. He wants to make me happy

Ok. So he's only done stuff that's made you doubt his trustworthiness in that period when you were broken up? I'm sure plenty of couples have got back together with one of them having no idea that the other was out shagging while they were broken up... problem is, you know, and you have the complication of her being part of your extended circle.

He didn't actually do anything wrong. You weren't together, he possibly had no idea you were going to get back together, whether his behaviour was "ideal" or not he could do what he wanted in that time without it being any of your business.

If you feel you could have trust issues, I think you need to explore where that could be coming from. Some counselling might be a good idea, at some point.

there is alway this doubt in my mind that I couldn’t really 100% trust anyone 100% of the time

I get trust issues. Truly, I do. I have them in bucket loads. Mine come from fear of abandonment mostly due to my childhood but also due to other relationships. I've been working through that as I know I can't trust my DP if I don't, and I'll never have a functioning relationship.

You haven't said if you've talked to him about this though. Have you tried to explain, in a non confrontational way, about these thoughts and worries? His response to that would tell me a lot about how likely I'd think it is that you can get through this.

@firebrand123 sorry Iv not replied sooner. I have spoken to him about it in the past but there’s nothing really he can do. He asks me what it is I want and to be honest I’m not sure what I want anymore. The thing is, before we split up I had asked him for bit of commitment then, at the time nothing was even mentioned on social media (I don’t have social media So wasn’t bothered at the time but he uses it quite a bit and looking back he didn’t want to mention me), he still had online dating apps although said he didn’t use them and was like he just messed me around for that whole time. It’s not just the sleeping with someone else, it’s the whole thing I think I feel betrayed with. So a year back together later he’s given me everything I asked for but I struggle forgiving the beginning. It’s like he can now see what I seen a year ago, has completely turned everything around and on the outside it’s amazing but my insides are Struggling to get over it all.
I’m so hoping that one day I wake up and the hurt is all gone but I don’t know how to make it happen