Apologies in advance as this is likely to be long and rambling...
Background- Married 7 years, together 10, 2 DC 5 and 7 yrs plus my 2 DC from exDH 11 and 13.
We have had a difficult relationship from the outset, I was head over heels in love with DH at the start, we knew each other from 10 years before we got together when we used to go to the same nightclub as teenagers.
When I was 16 I had my first serious boyfriend, he was abusive and violent but I was obsessed with him. He dumped me when he went to Uni, I had other relationships but this boyfriend would always come back into my life and I would fall fr I'm all over again, I thought he was my soulmate. I married exDH at 21 through fear of being left on the shelf (my sister had married the previous year and when I met exDH I had just been dumped). We had 2 DC together but I found him annoying. He was very passive aggressive and had a short temper, he shoved me a couple of times, once when I was pregnant as I turned the TV off when he was watching football. Anyway, I ended our marriage as the horrible first boyfriend came back on the scene and I fell for him all over again (not something I am proud of. this was 11 years ago. We were together just over a year, he was violent, sometimes in front of my DC. What I didn't realise was I was being groomed by him. I can't actually remember how found out the truth but he told me, probably to get in first before the police did it fr him. He had a criminal record and was on the sex offenders register for downloading and distributing child pornography, I finally got the courage to really end it and he attempted to strangle me, I got him off and left. I told a good friend who told my parents just to make sure there was no going back. He also left me over £13,000 in debt as I took out loans and credit cards in my name and give him the cash! Writing this all down for the first time makes it seem like some cray story, and not actually my life.
Anyway, a week later I bumped into DH in a bar, we remembered each other from 10 years before and got chatting. He was gorgeous and there was an instant attraction. I had vowed to be single for at least a year given everything I had put my children and myself through but he was different. We swapped numbers and things went from there. DH met the DC after about 2 months, he was great with them initially, bt then things started to change. I remember he was at my house one day and I had just changed DS1 nappy, he was only about 20 months old, I rolled it up and stuck it down and left it in the garden next o the full bin, DH came in and started having a go at me for being disgusting. Following this he slowly started trying to stamp his authority on how I parented my DC, lots of the time he probably had a point, I was too relaxed with them. A few key things I remember are him making them go to bed at 6pm instead of 7, him instigating us moving into a flat from my rented house as he didn't like the neighbours and he felt like it was just my home, him causing all sorts of issues between me and exDH, controlling when he could phone to speak to the DC, him picking on DS1. I have lost count of the amount of times I have ended our relationship but something always pulls me back. DH's dad passed away suddenly 8 years ago, I was like a rock to him and his mum, this seemed to soften DH for a while, I fell pregnant with DS2 and DH proposed to me. We married shortly after DS2 was born, I thought it may be a mistake and even cried on my hen do but went through with it because it was easier and I loved DH. I then fell pregnant with DD2 who is now 5. Things have always been bumpy but I have always tried accept my proportion of the blame, I think I am damaged by my past and project this onto DH. My 2 DH say they hate DH, even DS2 who is DH son regularly tells me he doesn't like daddy. DH had a very strict upbringing, he has carried this on in his style of parenting. He talks to all of us with this derogatory tone of voice if we have done something he doesn't agree with. When things are going his way he is pleasant and can be fun. Most of the time it's like living with the fun police.
We brought our house about 3 years ago, we have completely renovated it. DH has done most of the work as he has the strength and the skills required, I do not. He has made me help even when he hasn't really needed me to, leaving the DC bored and mischievous. I took them out once when my dad came to help DH with the work and everytime we fall out DH delights in telling me how I have done nothing to help around the house and how I just swanned off and left him to do everything. I have one lots of the work, plus all of the caring of he children and looking after the day to day running of the house, cleaning, cooking washing etc.
DH used to tell me I was lay when I was on maternity leave, I was often told I just sat on my arse all day. I now work full time.
Sorry this has indeed been long and rambling, to get t the point, on Sunday I told DH I have had enough, he was telling me all I care about is myself and I do what I want when I want, I told him what I really want is a divorce. He told me that I need to tell the kids, I said no, its between us, he went and told all of the kids to come out as mummy has something to tell them, I tried to save the situation and said we were going for our daily exercise, DH told them mummy needs to stop lying, that's mummy's problem, she lies. I took the DC and went out without him. We have barely spoken since.
What is the best outcome for the DC?
Is it best to stay with Dh in our home with the financial security that brings? DD2 loves daddy and would be devastated. DS2 loves him too but hates the was he is impatient and doesn't allow them to voice their views or have their say.
Or do I walk away, risk loosing our home and take DC 3&4 away from their father but give DC1&2 the relaxed life they deserve?