Do people change dramatically after counselling?

[Blippityblop]

About a year ago my sister started dating a guy who in my opinion had a few red flags. He was very intense, there seemed to be love bombing and things moved very quickly. After about 6 months she broke up with him because she wasn't ready for the kind of relationship he wanted. When they broke up, he took it really badly, and apparently had a bit of an emotional breakdown.

Since lockdown, she has been back in touch with him, initially just to see how he was doing, but now says she is considering dating him again once life returns to some kind of normal. She says he has had counselling which has helped identify why he was so intense, is on antidepressants, and seems in a better place now. But, I'm trying to warn her against this because I'm concerned that this will go wrong again and she will get hurt. If it were a few years down the line and he had had other successful relationships in between then it wouldn't worry me but at the moment, it all seems so raw and recent.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and got back together with someone after a short relationship which ended badly first time, but after which the other person tried to 'fix' themselves to make it work again? If so, did it work out the second time round?

I think people can change, you don't know what the guys story was up to that point and what kind of healing might have happened since. Whether he will change is another story only time can answer that one.

I don't think people change. I think they can definitely adjust their behaviour though with some work or counselling if they recognise it's damaging to them or other people and want to address it.

He is still the same person though.

What @Narcsrus said. People don't fundamentally change as such, but if they work hard enough they can become much better at handling things in an appropriate way. It all depends what the issues were/are and the impact on the other person, whether it's worth taking the risk or not...

Its a very hard situation and one I find myself in at the minute. I would love to hear from someone who was in this situation themselves and if the person did change. But then again, everyone is different.

Depends how receptive people are to counselling. It's never worked for me. Individual or as a couple. I just can't get my head around being able to change or be different because someone tells me to or listens to my problems. Because I am skeptical of it working, it's never helped me on any way.

But some people are receptive to it and it works for them. Given he is on medication now may have greater affect than the counselling itself. Who knows.

Yes! I healed massively due to excellent counselling and taking ADs, and am now living happily with the boyfriend who broke up with me due to my emotional issues and how hard they made me to live with, which break-up (together with massive job bullying issues) caused me to have w massive breakdown and seek help in the first place!

While I am still obviously in many ways the same person, I feel healthier and (so I am told) act much more calmly and consistently now.

I changed after counselling but it took a long time.

Counselling helped me but you’ve got to keep at it to achieve best results. You have to consciously practice what you’ve been taught or learned. It’s not a magic pill you take and everything turns out perfectly.

I learned about why I ended up in an abusive relationship with my ex husband but then fell for a man who did a lot of emotional damage. I have walked away from him and then came on here to ask if I made the right choice or not. MN told me I did and gave lots of support. I then pushed him back harder and now blocked him in every way.

I don’t feel it’s easy to put into practice what I learned.

The man in question could have changed but the litmus test will be how he reacts and copes when he gets triggered if you know what I mean.

You can be a recovering alcoholic and be fine. The test of strength is how strong you are when you’ve been hurt or things go wrong and there’s an open bottle of alcohol in the house. Can you make the right choice or do you go back to your old ways and succumb to them..

It can but if he was in any way abusive the chances are miniscule that this will change and the risks very high

You’re not making much sense. Apparently, all he did was fall hard for your sister in the relationship, and your sister broke up with him because she was not ready for the intensity of a serious relationship. So he did nothing wrong here. He had a breakdown and had had therapy to manage the fallout from your sister dumping him.

The part that confuses me is you saying
If it were a few years down the line and he had had other successful relationships in between then it wouldn't worry me but at the moment, it all seems so raw and recent.

But if he had other relationships with other women over the next few years, they would all be UNsucessful not successful because they would all have to have ended for him to then be fit in your opinion to see your sister again. Relationships are not a practice makes perfect type of thing. It’s not a skill you get over time by leaving a legacy of unhappy girlfriends in your history.

I would not warn your sister away from him. It really isn’t your business for one and if he and your sister have a chance, telling her that she should wait for him to play the field first with other women is bad advice.

Yes people can adjust their behaviour with therapy. However, I believe it only works when there has been a real reason for the damaging behaviour in the first place e.g trauma, sudden loss etc. The therapist then can work on how the brain has reacted to that and can unlock bad thinking and other behaviour and slowly turn the behaviours around. If you are dealing with a narcissist or someone with embedded personality disorders then I don’t think therapy works well. I have had therapy in the past due to relationship trauma. It takes years of personal work and development to come through the other side and is on going through life. I am still the same person but my thinking has changed and I am now free from anxieties that came from previous abandonment. Your sisters ex may have had some trauma behind what happened. However, I think it would be remiss of your sister to date him again. If she was not able to handle him the first time it could cause him to get re traumatised if she then decides once again he is too much. Tell her to move on to find someone who isn’t as intense and is on the same page as her. He is unlikely to have healed everything since they split.

Besides the love bombing, what else was wrong with him?

Maybe they can but I don't think I'd take the risk here personally