Surreal twilight zone of separation during lockdown..

[Stegasaurusmum]

DH and I have decided to split after 13 years married, 18 together. 2 dc, 5 and 10. We had a few not very significant issues over the years which just built and built.. like him not pulling his weight with the children, leaving me to deal with all the sleepless nights etc, whilst suffering from mental health issues and physical pain.. various things which are both our fault for not dealing with over the years, which built up some resentment in me, also he just got more and more reliant on me, no friends, no real hobbies etc. He tends to stick his head in the sand and ignore anything tricky emotionally and that's made things worse..I also just kept busy and distracted with other things. I think I probably just sort of fell into the relationship with him to some extent without a great deal of passion or physical attraction at the start.. But felt early on that I couldn't hurt him by ending it as he's a good man.
We just sort of naturally ended up together, happy enough till children came along... I then started to have feelings for someone else a few years ago, it turned into a very brief physical affair last year and as it ended, I ended up very depressed...DH does not know, although he did know about the feelings and that I was unhappy at the time, which he mostly ignored.
After lots of talking, counselling and antidepressants for me, relate for a few weeks and both of us trying to get the spark 'back' 2 weeks ago had the talk and agreed it's fizzled out.
I'm not sure I entirely believed him as he was very very upset, but he did eventually say thank you for me being honest and pulling the plug as it were. He agreed he'd not been happy for years either.

However (well done if you got this far) we are of course in this situation... We have a large house and mortgage, so have decided to try to not rush into selling just yet. I don't want the children to suffer, it might mean they stay with me in the house for the short term and he rents, so they can have some stability as he isn't able to do any of the practical day to day childcare as he doesnt drive and is out of the house 7 till 7 and travels too..i've worked part time for years and flexibly so I can manage childcare and holiday care, I'm a teacher so then work most evenings to make up for it. We've agreed he should see the children as much as possible and have them where ever he is, or at the house, at least every other weekend and definitely an evening or two in the week.
Under normal circumstances I'd do all the childcare and be responsible for them, right now we are just coping day to day.

He's in the spare room since March, which is a relief, but I don't think he's coping well, he's very very sad. As am I, I keep doubting it, thinking I could try more, try for longer... I'm scared mainly, of losing the childrens home, family life, normality, everything we've worked for... But my heart just isn't in it. There's never been arguments, just lack of affection and love, for years, on and off.
I feel horribly guilty, which of course is deserved, but I'm trying to do the right thing now by being kind and ending things calmly.
But... He's just acting as if nothing has really happened. He's ordering things for the garden, planning projects, discussing plans, as if we've never had conversations about mortgages and renting a house for him etc...

We are both busy with work and I'm keeping busy with talking to friends, working, exercising, watching various things and hobbies... We are having time apart but also watching TV together, mostly in silence but very companiably.. He seems to understand its happening but I just find his behaviour odd..
It's also just so strange because we are getting on better.. He's pulling his weight (well a bit.. ) all of a sudden and trying to get involved with the kids. I still don't want to have any intimacy, he gives me the ick to be honest, but is this normal?!
It's just so odd...

I always described him as my best friend, but to be truthful he's not really supported me in the way I would expect a friend to, I've clearly not treated him with respect either. But we do get on easily.. it's just so strange, this very friendly, very normal day to day... If anyone saw us I doubt they'd think we were separating...
Sorry, very very long but thought I'd better not drip feed... But does anyone have any experience of this sort of separation? How did your DH react? How about being stuck in the same house, it could be months I guess... It does fill me with despair and I'm not sure either of us can stand it much longer but it's just so... Normal right now...

Hi Op, I'm going through something similar. H is controlling, loses his temper and shouts and when not shouting gives silent treatment for weeks.

I've finally had enough and contacted a solicitor. She's been great and given me advice about my options.

I've thought out about leaving dozens of times but this time something is different. I finally realise that he will never change him and I don't have to feel guilty for leaving him.

That's really brave @excuseforfights
DH is not at all abusive or even angry.
He's just incredibly passive. He's just gone to bed after planning some garden projects and seems to be as nnoyed I'm not interested in choosing the colour of dome table legs...
It's just so odd.
I feel terrible. Right back to feeling like I don't have the right reasons leave.

Hi OP, I could have written your post myself. I think we have been following a similar path for months as I often read a thread and find your posts particularly resonate.
We are also carrying on as normal and my husband will talk about items of furniture or things for the garden. But trying to get him to talk about how he feels is almost impossible. I find it difficult too so together we must be a nightmare....I'm sure our Relate counsellor thought so!
The one difference is that we had the talk in January, and actually began a trial separation, renting a flat nearby and taking it in turns to stay there whilst the other stayed at home with the children. This worked well and I felt I had made the right decision (after taking months, possibly even years to reach that decision). We were about to commit to a longer-term rental. Then lockdown happened, on the same day I found out that I would need to stay indoors for 12 weeks, and so I quickly packed up the flat and moved home. I know there are much bigger things going on in the world right now but I find it very frustrating that I got that far and am now back to square one. And whether I can find it in me to do it again.....

@sashamc oh that's awful. I'm struggling with the lockdown, so is he. But at least we are amicable. I guess at least its confirmed how you feel. I know about the constantly searching for threads. I do it all the time. I'm trying to find someone who will tell me it's OK, I'm doing the right thing.

For me, I'd decided 2 weeks before the lockdown that I just couldn't do it anymore.

I found out that the man I had the affair with felt the same, loved me too, and had left his very casual relationship of a few months because he couldn't stop thinking about me.

The feelings I had about this made me realise I just couldn't keep stringing DH along.

I'm just thrown by the normalness of it all.. He's just acting as if nothing happened.

I'd hoped we could have the same arrangement for a bit, giving him the chance to see the children lots and us to have time apart, but I think it's better to have a clean break.

I just can't see us going through all the actual separating bit, it feels so overwhelming. Maybe that's why he's acting how he is. He's just avoiding it, as am I.

It’s normal I think. Currently also living with Ex and he is being saint around the house and with the kids comparatively, it is just now we are separating it’s like he’s determined to prove how great a person partner dad he is. Wipe out the reasons for the break up. And also to be fair you and I are also just getting on with it in lockdown, why not do stuff around the house as the alternative is sulking at each other.

(but still seeing random women unfortunately which I’m not happy about. But that is a whole other thread).

Yes, all very amicable here too. Like you say, oddly so. I'm not sure whether he is in denial, or if he just doesn't care? Maybe a bit of both?

Has your husband always been like this with talking about his emotions? We never argue either (or very rarely) and I've always thought that was a good thing, but now realise it's more that we don't express our feelings and just bury our heads in the sand. This worked to start with while everything was good and we had no major problems. But the last several years we have had major hurdles (physical and mental health, bereavements) but also lots of little issues linked to these which have built up resentment from me. Maybe if we'd faced them head-on at the time things would be different.

But now I feel I don't want to try any more. If I'm honest deep down I don't love him any more. But it feels so selfish to ruin his and our children's lives because I'm not happy. That's the decision I've been wrestling with and still am to some extent. I feel I ought to keep trying for my children's sake but I think we are past that now.

I also think a clean break might be a better way to go. With the nesting approach I think there was minimal disruption for the children but they did find it slightly confusing. And I'm not sure how long I can maintain sharing a space with my husband, even when we're not both there at the same time. It's not a long-term solution, but may be a good interim one for us. Still thinking about that one.

As you said I was constantly looking at this board for the last 7-8 months, hoping that somehow someone would tell me what the right decision was (I know they can't!) I feel as though I need permission to leave.

We had a few months of counselling late last year but nothing has really changed. We even came out of one session where I said I wanted a trial separation and it was not even mentioned again once we were outside the door, until the week after!

We get on OK, but I think it's now the usual story of being more like flatmates not husband and wife. I'm finding myself more and more often sitting in another room, or doing things just me and the kids (or going out with friends, before lockdown). It's like 2 people just existing in the same house. I think I could carry on for another x number of years, but I don't think I want to. But that seems so selfish. I did read a thread on here though which was along the lines of things may be amicable now, but would likely start to deteriorate the more unhappy and trapped you feel. So perhaps it is best to end it now, while we can still get on and parent together, rather than waiting for that it to get to that stage.

Sorry, that turned out much longer than I was intending!

That's OK... Yes, almost exactly the same story here... Except it obviously did get worse as I met someone who I did have all those feelings for. I'm under no illusions about any of that working out, I'm assuming I'll be alone probably. I'm sort of OK with that.
Nesting.. Yeah, I had that idea but yes, can't imagine putting up with sleeping somewhere where all his mess and smell is etc...
We've never talked about issues, not ever. I find it painfully hard to discuss anything with him, sex, emotional stuff, any of it. Even now. Just no openness. I still have regrets, I should have done more, said more, etc. But it just crept up on me and gradually got worse. Then it was like a switch. I do keep feeling guilty, thinking we should just hang in there got the kids.. But yes, resentment etc would just build, or in my case, I know I'm too weak to resist someone else, which is wrong.
I still keep doubting myself but if I've written it all down it becomes clear.
He does deserve better.
Just none of it is easy.

@Stegasaurusmum I feel like we’re in very similar positions, only we don’t have children. He’s acting as though things are fine, which in some ways is a relief, but means it’s all very amicable here too.

We’ve been married for a few years now and a lack of sex, intimacy, and a general distancing has built to the point that I don’t see how we come back.

We’ve also been in separate rooms since March and have agreed that when the lockdown lifts, I’ll move out for a couple of months to get some distance before we decide on next steps.

It’s hard because he’s a good man, we do love each other and have a lot of respect but I just don’t see how we get past this or if we should.

I’ve told my family and they’re devastated which makes it even harder.

I like the idea of writing things down, it can be a harsh reminder in moments of doubt. Maybe I need to do that too...

Hope you’re all doing ok @sashamc @StayinginSummer - it sounds as though we’re all in very similar positions.

If I didn't have children I think I'd have gone months ago. Possibly years.
But then, the guilt. I knew I didn't feel right about 6 years ago... Then I found I was pregnant, very unexpectedly. So I stayed, and was busy and happy again, for a while.
But its the normality of it all.. I mean I'd take this over arguments etc but still.

We've been separated since September and we were preparing to split households until corona fucked everything. Annoyingly, we are now getting on better than we have in years. Just keep your chin up and don't let his moping influence you

I think it's pretty common behaviour where one partner doesn't want to break up.
He's trying to keep acting like things are "normal" because its effort for you to keep things at the new "we are going to break up" level, and hes hoping you'll get tired and just slip back into the old life from before again.
He's pushing a day-to-day future with all the little mundane plans of table colours etc like you would have done before to try and keep you in that life.

Yeah, that makes sense.
I had said let's just keep things as they are right now, just because of course we have no idea how long before we can actually proceed with as nything. Can't get through to the bank to ask about the mortgage, can't see a solicitor, he can't move out...

So I suppose he's probably just leaving things for now and is ignoring it. It's working as I keep doubting, feeling scared about changing things when it is all just fine.
He's definitely on his best behaviour, in that he's taking more responsibility for things. But it's the easy stuff, none of the really difficult things, his work still takes priority and he's not prepared to really talk or really take responsibility. I still feel like I have a 3rd child and I still don't feel any attraction to him.
Just got to carry on in limbo for now I guess, no choice but to.

What’s your plan for after lockdown? Will you trial a separation or are you planning on calling it quits completely?

The way he talked a couple of weeks ago when he agreed that it was over, he was keen on selling up, and doing it all quickly. I've encouraged him to consider short term keeping the house, him renting a 2 bed and having the kids over EOW or one night a weekend, but then seeing them at our house as much as he wants in the week and having them as much as he's able to in holidays...
Im hoping he will go for renting, to start it off and see how we feel. Let the whole corona thing settle, kids back at school etc.
But I just don't know, he seemed keen to extend the mortgage to give him a lump sum to buy somewhere, which seems madness to me. He's got nowhere to go and stay for more than a week or two really. I've had weeks with him away, didn't miss him. So I think it would need to be longer to give us a real sense of how things are.
Still v early stages I guess.