Not sure if I want kids and feeling guilty

[wandererponderer]

Hi all,

I've read all the threads on this topic so far and I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one leaning towards a 'no' when it comes to having kids. To provide some background: I'm 32, have been married for four years, and growing up I always thought I wanted kids. I love kids, though I've never had to really take care of one for more than a day (just had to entertain/read books etc.). I had a wonderful childhood, which still fuels all my creative pursuits.

It seems natural that DH (whom I've known for over a decade) and I would take the next step and have a baby. However it hit me a couple of years ago that I didn't really feel like having a kid. I've been unable to articulate why, I've even made a spreadsheet with all the reasons for/against and my biggest reason to not have a kid is simply, "I don't feel like." I seem to have no biological clock, no burning desire, no desperate longing. But I'm not anti-kids. I think hmm, might be nice, but that thought isn't really prompting me to go any further.

It really bothers me as all my friends desperately want kids or have already had kids. I feel terribly guilty for not feeling any urge yet! Also, I feel like I have a lot of love to give, I love doing things for others (sometimes foolishly so). I've lived a very happy life so far. I don't think having a kid would come in the way of any of my dreams/career. So maybe having a child is the right thing to do?

I also feel bad that people might assume I'm a selfish and unkind person if I choose not to have kids especially as mums in general are perceived to be all selfless and giving (silly I know). My husband is leaning towards a yes, and that makes me feel worse. He's also extra nice to folks with kids and offers to help/take care of their kids/is extra considerate to parents etc. and I feel a bit annoyed and mostly guilty that perhaps I'm holding him back from having a family.It already breaks my heart a little bit that he's keen on having babies and I'm not (he's even been toning down his enthusiasm a little).

We don't have any other family or very close friends in the UK (been here four years in which I've moved three times) and I've sometimes wondered whether that's what is keeping me from having children. Things are more stable now though. I also work remotely so all the circumstances seem to be in favour. Except for the missing biological clock alarm.

Phew! Maybe all of this sounds real petty, but just curious to know what your thoughts are. And if anyone's experienced the same thing. How did you decide either way? Any advice would be much appreciated! Thanks so much.

You are absolutely NOT selfish or unkind in not wanting children. It's perfectly valid not to want to do that and actually it shows that you have a proper grasp of the serious responsibility that parenthood entails. It could be argued that it's selfish to have children given the growing world population and pressure on resources. Btw, I speak as a parent! For me, the urge was very strong from quite an early age - well before my biological clock was ticking - although it took me a long time to settle down and I was 35 when I had my first. A lot of my friends were similar. A couple of friends weren't so sure but by their late 30s began to feel they might regret not having children, did indeed have children and were very pleased that they had.

But there are people who never get round to wanting children and that is completely okay.

What is important, though, is working through what this might mean for your DH and your marriage. You definitely shouldn't be pushed into having children if you don't want to - particularly since child-bearing and child-rearing tend to have a more significant impact on the mother's life than on the father's (though things are beginning to even out a bit more - particularly with such things are shared parental leave). But it would have been a deal-breaker for me if my then partner now DH had not wanted children. If your DH has a strong desire for a family and you really do not want children, it could mean that you are ultimately not compatible.

Your still young! You might change your mind raising children is the hardest job in the world but its all worth it. I think everyone to theyre own some want kids and others dont. No one should feel pressured into having children. Give it another few years stop stressing and if you still dont want them then your decision.

I knew in my late 20s I didn't want children.
I am 47 now and never changed my mind. I never felt guilty, not once, and I've never regretted my decision. Be true to yourself would be my advice.

Nothing wrong at all with not wishing to have children.

I have 4 different friends, all marrried for 20+ years, that happily chose to not have a family.

They are all, without exception, extremely fulfilled people.

Children are wonderful, but many people who have children, can understand without ANY difficulty that it is eminently possible to have a wonderful life without them.

Good luck.

I think 20% of UK women are now remaining child free, a percentage that has doubled in a generation.

It's a different lifestyle with different opportunities. I have loved motherhood and adore my (now grown up) child but there is still a part of me that would have liked to have had a child free life. You gain a lot from having children but also lose a lot.

This was totally me four years ago, I'd spent my 20s saying I didn't want kids. Met my husband (who wanted three....eeek) still didn't want any, never had the biological clock ticking but everyone around me was having babies. A lot like you I just didn't feel like it, I liked our life of doing what we wanted when we wanted. But I thought what if I did regret it when I couldn't have any later in life? Maybe not the best basis to start a family but it did make me think I'd regret not trying. We didn't put any pressure on ourselves and thought we'd see what happens. Four years later we have a two year old.
I love him to bits but Christ it's hard work! There are times when I miss the freedom but I don't regret the decision. I'm definitely not having anymore though!!!

There is no right or wrong choice and no reason too silly to having a child or not having a child. I have a number of friends who have decided not to have kids and I completely get it. Each of their reasons are valid because they're their reasons.
Be happy and enjoy your life but don't feel guilty for the decisions you make 😀

For the record my husband no longer wants 3 kids 😂

It doesn't sound like you actually had a discussion about having children before marriage.

I think that's quite an important thing to agree on, as it's a dealbreaker for many.

There's no issue if you don't want kids...entirely your choice, but be honest with him and if he wants to end the marriage because of this, then that's his choice.

If you don’t want then don’t have, I’ve never wanted them I said it at 13 and I meant it, .

@wobblywibble Funnily enough, my DH and I thought we wanted 3 children before we had our 1st! We have 2 but were both very happy to stop there :)!

It’s your life and your body. Not wanting to have kids is completely valid.
Why would it be selfish to not have a child? If it is, then it’s also selfish to have a child. It’s not like there are children waiting to be born or anything.

This decision concerns only you and your dh. It doesn’t matter what other people think.

What @wobblywibble said, with bells on it.

I've never been broody, didn't really like kids but at 38 thought the worry of missing out would be worse than losing my life, as i know it.

It was a close call. It turns out, we have an awesome little human being but they are unbelievably hard work. On top of that I suffered from PND which meant I struggled to bond.

We've now got to the point where we can enjoy some normal activities, but there's no way on earth I could be persuaded to go through pregnancy, and the first 3 years again. They say sleep deprivation and playing loud noises is a form of torture.. Its also your life with a baby. We still get woken most morning by a very loud wingeing noise (we call this the alarm) demanding something, at around 630.

But, any idea that you will have any of your former life, forget it right now. That baby will fit into your routine. Not a chance. That they will occasionally not demand 100% of your attention, nope.

Ask yourself, is the burning desire to have children so strong that all these things won't matter, or, if you're unsure, you may regret it. Some people have that biological urge, others don't. Id say listen to your body, not what other people think!

I’d probably have one as you’re not that fussed either way but just might get very fussed later if you change your mind and then find you can’t.

If you don’t want to. That’s a good enough reason
You don’t need to justify that to anyone

Better to not have kids than to have one (Or more) and regret it
It’s a 20 year investment with each child

Theres no such thing as a biological alarm clock anyway. Many people are just brainwashed. Even as little girls we are given dolls. It's all a little creepy when you think on it. So women ctend to grow up thinking kids are the 'natural' course and don't give in the forethought they should.

You are a creative woman who doesnt want kids. That's fine. Theres a gazillion of the little buggers in the world already. It's perfectly fine to do something else with your life. And if partner can take it or leave it, then he can leave it. Because he should love you more than the idea of a non existent mini me. And if he doesnt, then he isnt the man for you.

Having kids you dont want would be selfish. Heck, having kids at all is arguably much more selfish than not having them.