The one I tried to get away from has moved to my area

[Spinysow]

Hi. I would really appreciate some advice. About 10 years ago I feel very, very deeply for someone. Because I was older and wanted children in a different timescale, we didn’t get together - but I found no-contact Incredibly hard. I’d see him out with his new gf - and I was completely broken hearted. I got a new job, moved away and met my DP - and felt a huge sense of relief that there was distance between us. I now have DC. However he has moved to my new area, about a year ago. He emailed me, told me this, and that he was unhappy. I refused to engage beyond this email string - but I have now seen him out with his family about 3 times - once just before lockdown. I know the answer is to give it no further thought, that I’ve moved on - but I’m almost scared to go out in case I see him? One occasion was at a soft play venue and our children started playing together. I felt sick. It just seems so unfair - why bloody him??? Why can’t I escape him - I’ve tried so hard.

I am not sure why this bothers you so much. Are you happy in your current relationship?

I felt a time pressure to have children, and I feel - to a certain extent - I rushed into my relationship with DP. We are mostly happy and we have created a great life for our DC. We don’t have sex, I don’t think there’s attraction between us - but we are like good friends - or siblings.

I am not sure why this bothers you so much. Are you happy in your current relationship?

I don't think it's that simple. I'm blissfully happy in my singeldom but if the 'one that got away' reappeared, it'd give me food for thought —without a shadow of a doubt

I think it doesn't help that he's reached out saying he was unhappy. It's like an invitation back into his arms. Any chance of moving to a new area so as to rid him from your mind and not potentially destroy your family?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you're in an relationship that isn't fulfilling you.You've "settled" for your DP.Living with someone in a sexless relationship as friends realistically isn't a nice place to be.It can very lonely and the lack of intimacy probably bothers you.

All of the above is probably what's making you feel like this at the moment.You've reconnected with someone who has a in the past made you feel the way you should do now in your current relationship and is a reminder of what's missing with your DP.

The fact this man is now a father probably doesn't help the situation too.

Is he currently in a relationship with the mother of his child?

I think alot of people can understand how you are feeling. Even the most exciting relationships eventually can become abit dull. This man is just a fantasy. I think you know that. The real man sounds like he was looking for an affair. That is not a good man. Certainly not someone worth risking your family for. Block his email address.

You have some history with him. But you don't know who he is anymore. 10 years is along time people change. This is just a crush, one made stronger because you used to love him. But that is all it is. Crushes eventually fade.

You don't want him. Originally, your weren't together because of the child timescale thing. Now it should be because he's the type of man who emails other women when he's bored.

I think you're unhappy and need to rethink your relationship. Nothing to do with this bloke.

My life is here, I have a mortgage, friends, school, job etc. I hate that he is back in my mind again - that I’m replaying our relationship. That the emotions I had were like nothing I’d experienced before. It feel like I’m being tested.

It can be v easy to maintain no / v low contact with this ex, even if he and his family life locally.

You seem to be romanticising the reasons why you broke up.

You’re unhappy in your current relationship, which is a separate issue.

When we had the email exchange - he said his child had additional needs - and his DP wanted to split. However when I saw him out before lockdown he was with his DP - he was pushing her in a wheelchair.

Hi op

What jumps out to me is that he has emailed you a hello and im here and unhappy. You have the children you desperately wanted, but have realised you have settled within your relationship, with no great connection.

He's got kids you have kids, unconsciously you may realise there's no longer a barrier to you being together. He signalled a possible intent towards you, and your finding it nearly impossible not to respond.

I don't envy your predicament, I think in the long run it is probably time to look at why you have settled and whether you want to sustain this relationship long term.

You don't have to act on your feelings towards him, it could just be other feelings of not being satisfied have now come to the forefront, don't confuse the two.

@Guiltypleasures001 thank you - that’s a very kind response! I am happy - my children are amazing, and they have a great life - and this is what I put my absolute priority on. I think the headspace he occupies is purely selfish, I need to ‘switch it off’ - but seeing him out just before lock down is completely playing on my mind. He looked like he had the weight of the world in his shoulders - I felt...guilty??

And I’m in floods of tears now!!!

I think the headspace he occupies is purely selfish, I need to ‘switch it off’

You want to switch of your needs and wants? I wouldn't. You need to think about what those needs and wants actually are. And whether they are more important than other needs and wants. But to pretend they don't exist is short-sighted.

I’ve also been having very strong dreams in lockdown. I had one about him - which involved me walking into his childhood home. I went into his bedroom - and all his toys were laid out. There were lots of imaginative models and pictures. One picture was in brown and looked like a ying and yang symbol. He was curled up in bed, crying - in the foetal position - and I went and hugged him. I fucking hate that I had a dream like that!! I want my brain to - dry up!!

You have unmet needs. They will leak out if you don't deal with them.

Urgh thanks @MrsTerryPratchett. I feel a bit doomed!

To be clear, meeting those needs doesn't involve the other man

I am VERY aware of that - I’m going to dive in the ball pit if I see him again at soft play.

Nothing is bad enough to put your head in a ball pit. Nothing

I WILL bury my head in the ball pit - it’s quite pretty and gives a bit more breathing space (than sand).

His problems are not your problem.

Him emailing you was a shit way to treat his partner.

Lots of fathers of DC with additional needs leave their families and/or don’t do a fair share of parenting. Sounds like he could be one of them. The mums get on with caring for their DC.

Don’t romanticise his situation or him.

No - I do realise I should not give it headspace/or over romanticise and it’s finding the switch I need to do that. I don’t want to react, or see or notice. At the soft play - why the hell did our children start playing together? Why did I notice that he did all the interaction with his child while his DP looked pissed off and drank coffee? Why did my DP smile at him while he tried to coax his DS out of the soft play? This was all playing out in front of me - and it affected me for weeks afterwards.

The dream sounds like you want to mother him.

You also mentioned the weight on his shoulders, which also seems to have inspired your mothering impulse. Also your feelings of guilt - guilt about him somehow? What does the guilt mean to you?

However, I'm not a therapist, it's only what stood out to me. Iiwy I'd see if you can get a Skype therapist during lockdown to bash this out with. The whole scenario has the potential to bring the house down tbh - I'd get the foundations seen to with a therapist iiwy. I dont think you can just switch this off.

When we had the email exchange - he said his child had additional needs - and his DP wanted to split. However when I saw him out before lockdown he was with his DP - he was pushing her in a wheelchair.

You mentioned this once in another thread, I can't remember exactly what you said, but I think it was something implying he wasn't a very nice guy at all- a narc or something? Or am I wrong?