Narcissist ex is refusing to give me back money

[jasminepeony]

My ex was a narcissist (lesbian relationship), and we lived together for 3 years too long. She was the kind of woman that thrived on confrontation and had a degree in arguing. She was very passive-aggressive and lacked empathy most of the time. She would always gaslight me and tell me I was the crazy one whenever I tried to confront her.

In the end, it was mutual friends who helped me to realise it was an abusive relationship, and 4 months ago I told her I was breaking it off and moving out. She didn't even seem to care at first, then tried to stop me, then went back to not caring.

After I moved out I cut all contact with her and vowed never to speak with her again. I managed to find some nice new roommates and it since has dawned on me how badly she treated me.

But I just checked my bank statement and I found that I'm still paying one of her bills. She told me she had removed my name from the account but it looks like this wasn't the case. I immediately cancelled the direct debit and I sent my ex-landlord a copy of the bill and asked if he'd kindly get her to give me a refund. But he told me she's refusing to pay unless I ask her for it myself.

I don't understand why this is necessary - there doesn't need to be a discussion. Now I'm torn between giving in and contacting her or losing out on money. Any advice?

Well done for starting afresh and leaving.

How much is the £?

I'd just ask, in one message and send your bank details or a paypal link in the message to save back and forth.

If she starts going back and forth, I'd write 'please transfer me X that you owe me to one of the methods stated in earlier text. Again, methods are X and Y. Thanks'

Depending on how much it is though, you may need to write this off as a narcissist might not make this easy for you. Making you ask her personally is ridiculous already.

Well, it's probably shouldn't be necessary, but she appears to be making it so, so therefore if you want your money back, just bite the bullet, keep the exchange of words brief and to-the-point and get what you are owed.
Then block the bitch.

Honestly if it isn’t a large amount of money I would leave it. Contacting her will only stress you out and give her a reason to play stupid games.

But it is your responsibility to cancel DD's.

If you can evidence you left the address on x date, gave notice on x date and the bill doesn't cover any time you were there. You may wish to try the bank and see if they will consider a recharge back into your account if there is a breach of contract.

Yeah, I thought it was my responsibility too, but ex assured me it was taken care of >_?

It's around £60 so it's not a huge sum but I'm not able to work right now so it would be handy to get it back. Also, I know she's loaded so doesn't need it.

I may take up your advice @usersouthcoast of the very direct email. I'm just worried she'll try and turn it into a back and forth.

I could try my bank account but the only evidence of my notice is a text I sent to my landlord

If its only cost you £60 to get rid of her then I would consider that a bargain.

Write it off and move on, you wont see a penny from her and she will use it as a reason to keep in touch.

Don’t get back in touch with her.

I appreciate that £60 can be a big sum if you haven’t got it, but honestly, don’t go there.

Same advice as above. Narcissists are experts at manipulation and any contact with them just opens up a lovely new avenue of abuse for them. I agree about it being a bargain and I'm in same position as you, stbxh owes me thousands which being a single parent would be life saving right now, but sadly I will not get it back and I refuse to put myself in a position where he can abuse me. No contact is no contact for very good reasons

I'd write it off. Yes, it'd be nice to have it - but really not worth the drama, and I bet you won't get it whatever you do.

Write it off as a getting rid expense. If you engage with her, she will string you along/ reel you back in.

I’d write it off. She wants you to beg and she still won’t give it you back.

Just another means to control you.

Write it off, you’ve paid it now.

Enjoy your new life

I’d also check any other bills to ensure that you’re not paying for anything else

There is absolutely no scenario in which contact with her remains civilised and results in her transferring you the money she owes you with ease. Which is exactly why she is demanding that you contact her personally.

Write it off, it's not worth abasing yourself to her for £60. Take this as a lesson to never believe someone when it comes to money!