Did anyone marry for stability and security?

[Jadedjoy]

I’m just musing and feeling kind of sad I guess about choices I made a few years ago. I’m in an ok position in that I’m not married and have no kids and still free to make life my own but also feeling very much like opportunity doesn’t knock twice.

A few years ago I met a guy and I was so sad and still in love with a previous long term relationship that hadn’t worked out that I never was able to throw myself whole heartedly into the relationship.

The second guy was passionate and fiery but maybe less reliable? I don’t know I never have him much of a chance and I was scared to break the ties from my first relationship where he was lovely kind generous but he didn’t really want the whole hog with me i guess. I don’t know I sort of settled because he was stable and financially provided for me and I did love him and wanted it to work. Now years on and I realise that I was slowly dying inside.

But I had a very unstable childhood, no family and very precarious work which looks even more precarious now.

Is it stupid to marry for stability and security? I’m so confused I just don’t know anymore.

Anyone?

It’s a bad idea because ultimately a good relationship requires more than friendship and quite liking your partner to go the distance. You end up knowing you settled and wondering what else could be out there; and it’s also very problematic if you get your head turned by somebody else you’re genuinely attracted to. It’s also terribly unfair to the other person, especially if they don’t know you settled for them, and wouldn’t have gone ahead with marriage if you’d admitted it was primary about financial security for you.

You did the right thing moving on.

It doesn’t sound like either man was right for you. “Fiery and passionate” is often a poor basis for a long-term, stable relationship. I know it’s easy to look back and regret - especially during the current lockdown situation - but you can’t change the past. It’s easier said than done but perhaps try to focus on looking forwards instead?

I also agree with what @ComtesseDeSpair has said. I would absolutely love to have a relationship and a family but I’d never settle. I’d rather not have children, or choose to go it alone or adopt, than settle for someone I knew deep down I wasn’t passionate about.

I agree. I don’t want to settle either. My first partner did want to settle and I think that made it harder to leave - I was also very in love with him to begin with.

But I regret not throwing myself into the second relationship even though he was probably not the one. I feel like this might be it for me.

I’m a big fan of marrying for security and friendship. For me, those are the qualities that see you through the rough times.

I did......biggest mistake I ever made. Lots of backstory from my side [unresolved grief/MH issues] I ended my marriage last year. I ignored the red flags because I was terrified of being alone. He became an abusive cunt when drinking..... I knew he wasn't 'The One' on our wedding day but I really truly believed it would work. I have been on a very steep learning curve since then.

I’m really sorry to hear that Ihavenoregrets. That sounds tough and a difficult lesson to learn.

I know that my first partner would be very good for me and would always look after me and is very content with companionship but I also know it would not be right for myself to settle with him now even though it gives me much stability.

I worry I’ll never have a chance at love again but I guess I need to find that happiness in myself. It’s so difficult. to you xx

My first marriage was for stability and security after growing up in a foster home. Married at 21 two DC. It was a marriage where he cheated and had no respect for me and abusive in many ways I was scared to have a voice or opinion and. I got out because I fell in love with someone else I’m now married to him and he is wonderful we have our ups and downs and don’t always agree but I know he loves me for me.

How old are you OP? This is a really bad time to be sitting ruminating on the past unless you are going to take positives from it. Beating yourself up is only going to make lockdown harder. Why not make a positive plan 1) get therapy. You can do this online. This will help you work out boundaries and your attachment style. 2) look into signing up for new hobbies/courses when lockdown is over. If you do things you’re interested in then you will meet likeminded people and maybe find a good partner.

Thank you soannya. I’ve been having therapy which has helped a lot and I’m still doing it via zoom. But the being alone and thinking hasn’t been great and I’ve lost work so there’s been more time to ruminate.

I’ve been doing other things to keep busy and generally things are better than they have been. I just have this feeling of loss that I seem to carry with me if that makes sense - so even when I’m busy it’s there in the background and then when I’m not it looms up again.

I’m nowhere near as sad or depressed as I was before but I just have this very low level melancholiness. I wish it would go and I could get that spark back but I’ve had it for so many years now. I feel like it’s just something I have to learn to live with. I can’t help but feel I’ve lost a lot of my chances now.

Sorry I forgot to say I’m 34.

No, I didn't. I'd always see myself as having 'settled' and in this (possibly) one life I get, that was never going to be good enough.

I'm 53 and have never been married. Yet.

I agree. I think it’s for the best not to. I just wish I had made different choices before. Maybe my time will still come.