Just need a handheld/kick up arse please

[Homassy]

Don't know where to post this but would really appreciate a kick up the arse or handhold. NC'ed.

Older FTM to 4 month old. Elderly parents at other end of country and no other immediate family.

To try and keep it short. Parents can't/won't use email or FaceTime and have never met their grandchild as corona hit when we were about to travel. I phone twice a week to make cheerful conversation and avoid any difficult issues. They can't communicate well due to deafness. Odd ideas and little support- don't they sit up yet/why haven't you started weaning etc.

OH works in NHS. We aren't unduly worried about corona for ourselves but of course worry for the more vulnerable folk and colleagues. OH is very hands on but not great with emotional support. I can't fault his practical support, but miss the emotional "click".

All baby classes are off and though we try, it's not the same online. Same with friends.

We're lucky to have a garden and countryside.

So I know I'm lucky but also some days I feel very alone get very smothered by constant undiluted baby stuff and nowhere to escape. Baby won't nap longer than 45 minute bursts and I can't get much done. He is generally good but a bit of a whinger as he gets bored so easily and gets pissed off in pushchair after about 30 minutes. Sling bit better and copes with an hours walk in that. I have run out of ideas to entertain him by about 10am. I struggle to get him in the garden because he hates his bouncy chair/play station and gets bored. Plus wasps/bees/ sun in eyes/draft etc etc

I just feel so trapped, despite knowing how lucky I am.

Please tell me this too will pass!

It will pass. It may not feel like it, but it will

It'll get better. Get on Mush. It's an app. Like a big WhatsApp chat across the country. They'll put you into a curry with everyone else who was due at your time. You can look for people on our closer to you too to message. I found some friends in it previously. One is a good friend now.
Put him in front of cartoons. Give yourself 20 mins. I was reluctant with LO1, but with the second, he watches there older one's asked all the time anyhow! There are a number of educational baby shows he might like.....
Put on the YouTube videos of black and white images set to classical music. Really good for their eyes and babies have been shown to respond really well to Mozart in particular.
Accept everything will only last 10-20 mins. Rotate around your activities. TV, bouncer, swing, skiing, walk, music, repeat.
Buy the Wonder Weeks. Made me less stressed to know there were reasons they didn't sleep at times.
Post photographs to GP to see baby. Send videos and photographs every day. Ask them to write specific letters to baby, like how they imagine he'll be as an adult. Might work!?

Do your housework when OH is home with you. Accept nothing will get done when baby minding. Batch cook and reheat food for lunch etc

Check out threads here for some ideas on how to run a house with a baby. Some useful tips

When baby is unsettled, I do a baby massage at around 10, perform a wise selection of nursery rhymes etc as the oil soaks in. Then, I give him a nice bath, no bubbles, wash the residual oil off. Moisturise him and dress again. Feed as he'll be starving.
Generally, this guarantees a good daytime nap. My Indian friends gave me this routine.
Fills out the middle of your day. Gives you a great time to connect. He should sleep well. You get time to eat your lunch in peace. Evening is easier with no bath to do.
Just some thoughts as my first was difficult so you have my sympathy

Yep - absolutely will pass. Promise.

I found the early months of looking after our first DD totally exhausting, all-consuming and overwhelming. I felt like I'd been hit by a juggernaut which then reversed back and forth over me repeatedly. But it really does pass. It's particularly intense in the early months because your baby doesn't really do anything other than grow (human babies are basically born too soon because of the size of the human brain). But at about 5-6 months when your baby can start to sit up and interact more with the outside world, it gets easier; when you start to introduce solid food - more variety in the day and they often start to sleep a bit longer too; when they start to crawl (approx. 9 months) and again when they start to respond to nursery rhymes, and vocalise, and clap their hands, etc. etc. You start to get more back at that stage; the days become more varied. You really start to see the hugely fun side of spending time with your little baby. Ages 1-2 are a real blast when they start to walk and talk.

When DD2 arrived, I couldn't work out what I'd found so hard and was much able to just enjoy the snuggly tiny baby stage in a much more relaxed way, but of course by then we were used to a life dominated by tiny people and the related priorities and chaos! I had one friend who completely breezed into motherhood - but by the time she had her first baby, she'd been a very hands-on auntie for many years so she knew what she was getting herself into:)!

The reality is that doing it all for the first time is incredibly intense. And much as you love your child, I think it's quite normal at some level to grieve your past life when you could do things like - go out in the evening; sleep all night; have a lie-in! My DH often says that when you have a child, lots of doors that were previously open to you close (for a while - but it's a long while) but then lots of new doors open. It's extra difficult for you right now because of the shutdown so you can't get out and meet up with other new parents and have some adult company (if not genuine adult conversation - on the basis that you're interrupted every few minutes anyway). Can you do any virtual calls with other new mums in your area so that you can have a moan and a laugh together?

Even if it isn't possible to reach out to anyone right now - hang on in there - you're not far off the real fun beginning! And one day you will look back on this phase with very fond memories and a big smile (I'm actually choking up a bit thinking back to it - my two are early to mid-teens - every phase brings its challenges and its rewards but it definitely does get easier as they get bigger if only because you're just more used to parenting and start to trust yourself more:)!).

Thanks so much Just and Spongebob. Some great tips Just like the midday bath and massage idea x

Thanks Dery, such a wise post. I'm lucky to have a good circle of friends, I guess even at my advanced age, I miss having supportive parents. You are right I should treasure each day and will no doubt look back fondly at it