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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend follows Instagram models making me feel insecure

22 replies

insecureforlife · 20/04/2020 08:24

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and things are serious. We are both early 30s.

We follow each other on Instagram and I’ve noticed that a lot of the women he follows are Instagram ‘models’/influencers who are generally blonde with big boobs (basically the opposite of me, I’m a brunette with a ironing board chest. The fact he follows these girls makes me feel really insecure. He follows a few pretty celebrities as well and he sometimes drops a like on their photos but this bothers me less than him following these other women.

I don’t know what to do. His actions within the relationship are good - he regularly pays me compliments and we’re affectionate and have plenty of sex.

I’ve always been insecure in relationships for one reason or another, and have body insecurities, so I don’t know if this is just something I need to work on within myself. I don’t want to bring it up with him and then he feels like he has to change his behaviour to suit me, and come across as some insecure controlling girlfriend monitoring who he can and can’t follow on Insta.

Someone talk some sense to me?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 20/04/2020 08:36

I don't think you should take it personally. Its not a reflection on how he feels about you, it's probably just easy material to wank to, again not a reflection on you. He's been wanking long before he met you.

If everything else in your relationship is good then try not to let it bother you

Glacierminty · 20/04/2020 08:58

I would absolutely hate this. I would find it disrespectful despite the fact that it’s unattainable to him.

LizzieSiddal · 20/04/2020 09:01

I would hate this not because it would make me feel insecure, but because I wouldn’t want to be with a man who was interested in following “models” on Instagram. He doesn’t sound very mature.

Sweetandawfulsour · 20/04/2020 09:11

Snap! He was subscribed to a prettygirl hashtag. I found it insulting as it was almost as if I wasn’t enough to look at. If he wants your average pretty girl, I’m clearly not it. I get the if he’s with a blonde he’ll want to perv at a brunette thing to a degree.
I simply said I find it disturbing and lo and behold, after a few fibs he finally stopped. Or at least in plain view.
Men can look, it’s fine. We all look. What isn’t right is how it’s making you feel. Just be blunt and to the point. If he’s a decent person enough chap (you’ve been going out a while so assume so) he’ll be more considerate with his browsing.

lialiana · 20/04/2020 10:19

I had something similar with my BF in the early days of our relationship. He was following an account which is basically scantily clad women, mostly with big boobs etc. I told him honestly how it made me feel, not just because they look so different to me in terms of body but also how uncomfortable I am from a feminist perspective with those accounts. He understood and stopped following them.

I'd suggest having a chat with him, see how it goes.

duletty · 20/04/2020 10:23

I would find this incredibly shallow, sorry, but then that sort of thing/models/slebs is an escape for some people, who knows?

It’s the sort of thing teenagers would follow?

LizzieSiddal · 20/04/2020 10:28

It’s the sort of thing teenagers would follow?

Exactly, and a grown man doing it shows they haven’t grown up at all. You can be sure this immaturity and lack of respect for you, will show itself in lots of other areas of their lives/your relationship.

RantyAnty · 20/04/2020 10:32

Start following buff dudes.

Does he think your relationship is serious?

Original poster

insecureforlife · 20/04/2020 11:11

Does he think your relationship is serious?

Yes he does, he wants us to move in together properly with a view to marry and have dc.

OP posts:

gtwasdjwn · 31/03/2021 20:53

I would feel completely the same. I have a similar issue, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years, I’m 23 and he is 29, we have a dog together, on our second home together, to an outsider we have the perfect relationship, everybody always tells us how in love we look. Which is true, we are. Yet I find myself contemplating things from time to time. He follows the usual ‘Instagram models’ and has now followed a porn star too. This makes me feel incredibly insecure. I hate it. For the last 3 years I’ve sort of just accepted it, but then again, for the last 3 years it’s been on my mind DAILY. I find myself occasionally resenting him because of it. I haven’t spoken to him, because like yourself I don’t want to be accused of being ‘controlling’. It’s killing me.

Lullaby88 · 31/03/2021 22:25

The thing with this is, if u tell him he could secretly still do it behind ur back if hes that into it. Or u could do it in a tactful way and just say ah i notice u follow these insta models what is that about! And just see what his reaction is. I wouldnt blow out on him as like i said he could just do it discreetly then on other platforms anyway. He clearly sees u as a wifey long term type of material and these women are just some eye candy to him. But i would feel insecure if this happened to me aswel so yeah i get why u would feel this way.

Anothernick · 01/04/2021 07:34

@Shoxfordian

If everything else in your relationship is good then try not to let it bother you

Yes, I think this is probably right. We men look at and fantasise about all sorts of people and things but it's just fantasises, we are perfectly capable of understanding the distinction between visual stimulation and the incomparably deeper relationship with our DP.

The OP should raise this in a slightly offhand way - maybe point to one of the models and comment on her huge assets - and see how he reacts. If he gets defensive that might be concerning, the correct reaction would be to look sheepish and reassure her that its no reflection on her.

EarthSight · 01/04/2021 09:28

Sounds a bit immature to be honest and I can totally understand why it would make you insecure given that they look so different to you. These are not just random pics of women who he has no real way of contacting or communicating with. These are women who mostly run their own accounts and can be easily contacted (even if they do ignore most of their messages from their male admirers). If a woman down the street from you were doing this and your boyfriend knew where she lived, frequently looked at her photos online like this, how would you feel about that?

The fact that men think it's ok to follow and like lots of models like this on Instagram in plain view of everyone, including their girlfriend, shows how boundaries in many relationships are far too blurred and quite frankly it's just really disrespectful. OnlyFans has become a menace to relationships as well.

Countingthebeat · 01/04/2021 09:34

@Anothernick
‘ Yes, I think this is probably right. We men look at and fantasise about all sorts of people and things but it's just fantasises, we are perfectly capable of understanding the distinction between visual stimulation and the incomparably deeper relationship with our DP.

What’s really. Inventing is this type of comment and the way men dismiss women’s feelings so easily
Men no doubt find it impossible to understand in a world where their entire gender is not judged primarily on looks . However in a world where women’s needs are seen as more ‘ emotional and men’s as more visual ‘ a fairer comparison is if men were to consider if they would be cool with their gfs getting there emotional needs met by various strange men online . So long as there was no touching
For many women feeling desired is the absolute key to feeling tirrned on and attracted to a man and if he is spending his time getting all worked up over other women then using you as somewhere to dump his load that’s a huge turn off
It seems most would totally NOT be cool with that
Also anothernick and foxshordiqn I sure hope neither of you would ever DARE complain of your partners want to send buses of themselves to other men to wank to ... seeing as it’s no big deal and all

EarthSight · 01/04/2021 09:41

@anothernick Yes, but when your boyfriend is clearly after a certain type of woman online, that's bound to make her partner feel insecure if she doesn't look that way.

Following individual women online and liking & commenting on their pics is a liability in relationships. Some of those men never intend to take it further, but a lot do. Men who are particularly active like this online want to have 24hr access to their visual sexual sweetshop and are unwilling to give it up now that they have a real life woman in an actual relationship.

Shoxfordian · 01/04/2021 09:48

@Countingthebeat
I’m a woman married to a straight man so pretty sure he’s not sending pictures of himself to other men to wank to. I’d be very surprised if he was anyway.

It’s not the same sending private pictures and posting on an Instagram account anyway.

I stand by my comment, I don’t think it’s a big deal as we all have fantasies and as long as the man in question isn’t messaging the insta girls then it’s just a fantasy

Anyway the op posted over a year ago so presumably she’s either putting up with it or dumped him by now

EarthSight · 01/04/2021 09:52

@gtwasdjwn

Sorry to hear that.

He has the right to look at whoever he wants online......but you also have the right to be in a relationship that works for you and decide when your boundaries are. Don't put up with any bullshit about telling you how you're sex negative or that you're a prude for not accepting what you're uncomfortable with.

Countingthebeat · 01/04/2021 22:29

[quote Shoxfordian]@Countingthebeat
I’m a woman married to a straight man so pretty sure he’s not sending pictures of himself to other men to wank to. I’d be very surprised if he was anyway.

It’s not the same sending private pictures and posting on an Instagram account anyway.

I stand by my comment, I don’t think it’s a big deal as we all have fantasies and as long as the man in question isn’t messaging the insta girls then it’s just a fantasy

Anyway the op posted over a year ago so presumably she’s either putting up with it or dumped him by now[/quote]
Yes clearly I mistook you for a man as your support of men using other women outside their relationship for sexual gratification and objectification was so mysogynistic . Apologies for confusing your gender
And yes it’s the same

Countingthebeat · 01/04/2021 22:34

@foxshordiqn , why are you not ok with your husband sending nudes of himself to another woman ? If there’s nothing wrong with him wanking over other women and there’s no meaning to it , just harmless fun right ?
So long as he’s not talking to those women you should have no issue with it all all as he should have no issue with you doing the same . Or is this another double standard . It’s ok for unknown worthless internet women or girls to go naked and he wanted over but not you precious people

Totallyfedup1979 · 02/04/2021 01:37

He’s in his 30’s and dropping likes on Instagram “influencers” pictures? It’s such a cringe and pathetic thing to do.

I’d be more embarrassed for him, than insecure about myself to be honest.

NiceGerbil · 02/04/2021 01:46

I'd think it was just utterly pathetic tbh.

Start following some fit blokes. Suggest you choose ones aimed at a gay audience as they are often closer in presentation etc to the women who are trying to appeal to men.

NiceGerbil · 02/04/2021 01:47

Didn't realise was zombie thread.

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