Lying Husband

[Mummy43026]

I am after some advice as I’m not sure wether I am being overly sensitive. Last year my husband lied (didn't tell me) about a friendship he had with a young girl that he worked with. The only reason it came to light was that I saw hearts on his Snapchat messages next to her name - I didn't snoop through his phone, I went into his Snapchat to use the filter (as I dont have that app) to take a selfie & accidentally went into his messages. He swore it was just friendly messages & that the hearts were there because she was the person he had most contact through snapchat (I googled this & its was correct) - this broke my heart as even if it was platonic, why was he messaging this girl so much more than anyone else he has on Snapchat. He promised me there was nothing going on, that all his workmates use Snapchat to chat rather than text. He deleted snapchat. I did check his phone after this & any text messages to her were funny or about work with no kisses or flirting so part of me believes him, but part of me still has suspicions. We have been married for 16 years with 3 kids & this was the first time I had EVER suspected him straying, but that gut feeling just wont leave. Its now been a year & I just cant move on, I check his phone almost daily to see if he is messaging her. He does still text her but its maybe once per month now (although they obviously speak face to face every day in work)

Am I being over sensitive or am I justified? Yelp sad

I dont want to be that controlling psycho that tells her husband who he can & cannot speak to, but also don't want to have the piss taken out of me.

Your husband didn’t lie to you by not telling you about a friendship.
If it’s based purely on the above, you’re being overly sensitive and acting jealous.
However, is there anything else in his behaviour that causes concern? E.g. has he become more distant or cold towards you? Has he changed any other behaviour e.g. becoming more interesting in his appearance etc

Thanks for your reply, at that point & months prior we were having an issue in the bedroom, he didn't want to have sex with me & when we did have sex he would stop midway. He also used to be a very affectionate person, however this has now changed, I feel like I constantly have to pester him. Our sex life has improved but the affection prt is still not right.

You may never know for sure exactly what happened between them. But, on the face of it, it sounds like a mild flirtation. I wouldn't end my marriage over that personally, but we all have different ideas so you're entitled to finish yours if you like.

But, otherwise, it's been a year and it's time to draw a line under this and move on. If you feel unable to do that, maybe marriage counselling would help?

In addition with the information in your opening post, I would say yes you have cause for concern I’m sorry OP. That doesn’t mean he’s cheating, I’m just saying these are signs that should raise concern at the very least

You’re right, If he’s seeing her every day in person, the texts probably won’t be a good indicator of their level of engagement.

Do they work closely together?

He conducted an emotional affair with this other woman and that was and is solely down to him. He probably does not regard this as cheating but it is. He made himself also look foolish in terms of professional relationships, I would think that his colleagues knew that something was happening between your H and this young woman with you being the last to know.

This woman too is no friend of your marriage either but she owes you nothing. He overstepped boundaries here with this woman and I doubt very much that he would have been so forgiving of you if the positions were reversed. What he did he is no reflection on you as a person, this is all on him. Where are the consequences for his actions, I see none.

Do you get the sense from him now that its over and done with or that you should get past this?. Are you really doing the "pick me dance" now?. I am wondering if trauma bonding is playing a part now.

I would read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Have either of you considered marriage counselling now post this emotional affair?. I would certainly consider this and if he refuses to go then I would think less of him too.

No they work alongside each other in an office, she is in a long term relationship too. I am honestly not normally a jealous person, but the fact he concealed the friendship from me is what shocked me. He has other female friends that he works with that he chats with regularly, but that doesn't make me uncomfortable but he also mentioned these other girls in daily conversation with me. He never mentioned this other girl.

I have suggested counselling but he thinks its ridiculous as he feels I am being overdramatic.

Thanks AttilaTheMeerkat, to be honest there was no consequences as he swore nothing happened. I couldn’t justify breaking up our family for something that I wasn't sure even happened. Your totally right & he did admit that if the shoe was on the other foot he would have been so angry. So not sure is this is why the texts are down to one or so per month, he did delete Snapchat but at the same time this isn’t something I wanted to ask him to do as I wouldnt want him to tell me to delete stuff from my phone.

He is minimising your own feelings here and that is wrong of him to do so. He knew on some level what he was doing here was wrong but continued all the same. He probably felt like he was her knight in shining armour/father confessor type figure to some damsel in distress. I see he had mentionitis when it comes to this particular individual too and that is often seen in emotional affairs.

You are not being overdramatic here, not in the least. Its been a year since all this happened and you have understandably to my mind not been able to move on. He just wants to shut all this down and I would go to counselling on your own in that case and do read the Shirley Glass book I have recommended.

Thank you AttilaTheMeerkat

Something happened between them, they both crossed a line here both professionally and personally that should not really be crossed. He in particular should have known better particularly if he is in a more senior position. They both became emotionally involved with each other over time and what likely started as friendship became something more to them than platonic. Its your H that has to be brought to book here and he has to be accountable for his actions and choices, choices that are still no reflection on you as a person.

Do read about emotional affairs because they are just as damaging to a marriage.

I wouldn’t definitely conclude affair based on what you have written. She was a colleague who messaged him on snapchat a lot and the app created the emoji. You didn’t say if the messages were flirty or not. Just that he had never mentioned her to you.

They became close either close colleagues, friends or something more. You have seen the messages. What do you think it was? Did they discuss work, mutual interests or things more intimate? You read these messages. No one here did and we can’t do anything but speculate and project. What did you think? You don’t need his permission or our permission to reach a conclusion.

When it comes to the state of the marriage. There is a problem in your sex life that you are not addressing. This is impacting on your self esteem. This needs to be confronted. The answer won’t be in daily checks of his phone. It’s about you both. If not addressed it will probably end up being about a third party too.

Thanks everyone, I am quite a stubborn unforgiving person (my worst trait probably) so this is maybe why I cannot move on. I keep telling myself if he was honest & told me every single detail of what happened that I would be able to move on more easily but not sure if this is the case.

Thanks LemonTT, our sex life has now improved which I am glad about. From the messages I have seen none are flirty, they are all about sports or work, there was a few that didn't make sense though (laughing faces after nothing she had wrote, or answers for questions that weren't there - again, none flirtatious) when I confronted him he said he was deleting messages as he knew I would be annoyed that he was messaging her (at this point he didn’t know I was checking his phone) Part if me thinks he was maybe he was emotionally attracted to her, and another part is telling me I am overthinking things. He gets really annoyed if I bring it up so spent alot of time dealing with it inwardly. I always try to put myself in his position & I have male friends in work, completely platonic, & I would be annoyed if he kept going on about me messaging them.

Its a fine line between trying not to be that jealous controlling wife, & getting shat on - If I truly believed he had been u faithful we would be done, completely, but because I don't know for definite I cannot make that decision.

If he's deleting messages that equals an emotional affair. It depends where your boundaries are. For me personally any pouring of effort in to a relationship outside of the marriage is a line crossed.

If he's deleting messages he's something to hide. If innocent why delete. I'm sorry OP but this isn't as innocent as he's making out it to be

Also, theres one message in particular that gets me, but not sure if again I am being overly sensitive. When we had our baby girl (sorry, forgot to mention that a few months after this happened I fell pregnant- not planned) he sent a blanket text to all his colleagues telling them the baby had been born. She replied saying “Congrats, glad everyone’s healthy” to which he replied “thank you, everything is fine” but also included a laughing with tears emoji. 2 things I found weird about this, if this was my make friend from work, I would have used his wife’s name e.g “glad Susan & baby are healthy” and the fact he replied with that particular emoji, why a laughing emoji instead of a smile - actually reading this makes me feel like I am being over dramatic :)

Am I being a hormonal over sensitive psycho? :)

I do agree why delete messages if you have nothing to hide, do you think it’s totally inappropriate to reach out to this girl or if something isn't going on would this make him the laughing stock of his work

You won’t be able to make a decision about your future until you decide what you believe happened. He does not need to agree with opinion. Even if he makes it “you should trust me” issue, push this back. It’s not about what he wants you to think. It’s about what you think and believe.

There’s an incompatibility with thinking he is cheating and wanting to have sex with him. You don’t trust him and have called him a liar. How does that make for a good sex life.

Isn’t being a jealous controlling wife just the symptom of being “shat upon”. It’s not the cure.

I get what you are saying, I suppose I am not being honest with him how much it effects me because when I bring it up he rolls his eyes so I tend to not speak to him about it. Not sure how, but our sex life is probably the best its every been now. I do agree that being jealous is a symptom of being shat upon, have never really thought of it like that but your completely right, this would explain why I have never been jealous but now am