Alcoholic dad

[Wanttobehappy20]

So my dad has always drunk too much but recently about a year ago faced up to the fact that he drank too much. Most nights he would come in from work and drink a couple of g&t’s and 2 to 3 bottles of wine a night. Every night. By some miracle he never gets hangovers and managed to hold down a very high earning job. I would say he is a functioning alcoholic and although doesn’t reach for the bottle at 8am or sit on street corners drinking cider I would say he is an alcoholic.
He will think nothing of having a champagne breakfast every weekend, pours drinks before noon regularly etc.

He doesn’t work anymore and with the lockdown it is too easy for him to sit inside and drink all day. He doesn’t know when to stop and isn’t just for social reasons either. I am living with both parents during lockdown and it is making me feel so sad and depressed to see how it is driving them apart. My mum has threatened to leave before, stayed with friends for days, etc and when dad is sober doesn’t remember being drunk or what he has said/done. She has said it’s over for good now and she wants a divorce. I hate the constant arguments that his drinking causes and hate seeing my mum so upset and crying.

He has said he will change, has agreed to seek help but then cancels because in his eyes he’s not that bad and not an alcoholic. No matter what we say he always chooses the bottle over his family, he can’t see how it’s tearing the family apart. The drs have also too him to stop for his health. He just won’t listen.
I can’t move out as in my early 20s and have nowhere to go/no money.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel helpless for my mum and it’s making me feel so depressed. He begs my mum not leave him and he will change but he has said this countless times. I worry dad might commit suicide if she does leave but I don’t want her to stay when it makes her so upset. Help?

Golly what a desperately sad set of circumstances, I have no medical knowledge about alcoholism but my first instinct is to say that you and your mum need to look after yourselves and this is likely to be by separation from your dad. As you say he chooses the bottle above you and that is not likely to suddenly change, your absence might be the change he needs but there is unlikely to be a quick fix solution. If you are in your early 20s I'm guessing your mum still has a good life to lead and this is not going to happen if she stays stuck where she is unhappy. Both of you deserve better. What happens after that to your dad is not your responsibility. Hugs

You and your mum need to start planning your departure when the lockdown is lifted. Your dad is an alcoholic - he's having a minimum of 25 units of alcohol every day, probably more. He's at the stage where it would be dangerous for him to stop drinking cold turkey - he needs professional rehab. But because he's comfortable at home, he won't change.

Help your mum to get her ducks in a row. Both of you should find an online support group for the relatives of alcoholics - Al-Anon or similar. If your departure makes your dad hit his rock bottom and seek help, all the better - but even if it does not, your lives will be so much better without an addict in them.

I was your mum, my DDs were teenagers. I left it too late to divorce my H but I did it in the end, and the three of us are much happier now. My H didn't stop drinking and it killed him. The same will happen to your dad if he doesn't stop.

Thanks for the messages and support. He’s begging this morning for my mum to stay but she says she’s given him enough chances.
She’s devastated to throw away nearly 30years of marriage and she does still love him.
@pointythings glad to hear you were happier after but sad that the drinking killed him. I fear it might go that way for my dad.
I’m just so confused by my emotions because as much as he’s pushing us away with the drink, he is still my dad and growing up we had the best childhood. I don’t want to see him die because of this, live on his own depressed and lonely but at the same time can’t carry on like this either.

Wanttobehappy20 I cannot recommend strongly enough that you and your mum get support with all this. It's called 'detaching with love' and what it means is that you accept you are powerless to help your dad, but you do not have to stop loving him. You can support him, but you must not enable him (which you are currently doing by staying and tolerating his behaviour).

The only person who can help an addict is the addict themselves. Accepting that is hard but once you have done it, life gets better and you find a little peace. This is especially important for your mum; after 30 years of marriage she will still feel a strong need to 'save' him. And she can't.

Your mum is not “ throwing away 30 years of marriage”. These years won’t not exist if she leaves. She needs to do what’s right for her NOW. That doesn’t take anything away from the last 3 decades.

He will never get help until he reaches his rock bottom. Her leaving might be part of that. It might now. But she needs to leave for her own sake.

Please phone the al anon helpline and speak to someone who has been there too.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/helpline/

Call our free confidential Helpline on 0800 0086 811

As PP have said get both of you to a support group - either online or face to face (post lockdown). Do loads of research on alcoholism and tap into Al Anon resources. You need to get educated about it and then supported to cope with it ASAP because you will both be dealing with the fallout whether your DM divorces him or not. You will both need to heal from the at best emotional neglect you have endured all your lives.

You also should look to into the resources of the organisation below - because as a child you have suffered emotionally due to be being in the family of an alcoholic. Both parents will have contributed. Your DM by being preoccupied and covering up for him or being emotionally distressed but continuing to stay has exposed to to emotional neglect. I say this as a mother who was consumed by fire-fighting and compensating for the deficits of my alcoholic husband. In this state I could not be fully emotionally available for my young children. I deeply regret that I didn’t leave earlier even through my intentions were the best for all.

adultchildren.org/

Thank you, these websites and resources look really helpful.
I had a great childhood with lots of brilliant holidays and got everything I ever wanted. We were fortunate with a good financial position.

But recently as an adult I feel i am suffering emotionally from it. I’ve never had a lot of confidence anyway but now have this feeling of not being good enough. Why are me and my mum not good enough for him?why does he choose alcohol over us? Etc
I feel like this is affecting my own relationship with my boyfriend too which is still a newish relationship. I feel like I won’t be good enough for him either.
I am going to try seeing a therapist after lockdown to try and talk my feelings through with some one.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, my Mum is an alcoholic and it's ruined my life.

I ended up moving in with my grandparents when I was 7, who I will add, gave me the best childhood I could have ever hoped for and I love them and miss them dearly.

My Mum is also a functioning alcoholic and gets up for work at 5am and works all day. She always drank wine and hated spirits, up until 18 months ago she was drinking 2-3 bottles a night, starting when she got home from work and finished by 9pm so she could go to bed and sleep it off as much as possible before 5am.

One weekend I saw her and she opened a bottle of vodka which shocked me as I've never seen her drink spirits, she said it's because it's lower calorie and she is doing slimming world. I just think she needed a different kind of drunk feeling than what the wine was no longer giving her.

I don't have any advice to offer other than a handhold, it ruined my childhood and teenage years worrying about her. I'd sit up all night to watch her smoke in bed when she was drunk to make sure she didn't set light to the house and I was always tired and stunk of smoke for school.

Now I'm an adult with my own family, I have had to distance myself from that side of her because I won't let it ruin my adulthood like it did my childhood. Many times she's given up and then gone back to it a month later, what I've learned is that addicts are in their own way, selfish. It sounds very harsh but they don't think about other people whilst they are self destructing. I've also learned that they will only get help when they want to.

My mum always says "if a doctor told me I was going to die tomorrow from drinking I would stop" but we both know from other family members that cirrhosis of the liver is 9 times out of 10, irreversible.

Sending love to you x

OP you are doing the best thing possible to get therapy for YOU right now so that you can repair the damage before you bumble through life choosing the wrong partners and having a really tough time.

Alcoholism is a great leveller - memories of the fancy holidays won’t save you from the pain - and no doubt there were deep tensions and major incidents during these holidays that your DM would be trying to cover up but you would have sensed and absorbed even if subconsciously.

canyouseethesea how v sad for you as that little girl. I hope you have an opportunity to heal.

I'm really sorry. The old saying about not being able to stop someone from drinking if they don't want to stop is true - it has to come from them. I think you need to support your mum in the decision she makes but don't feel like you have to cut your dad out either.

My father is a recovering alcoholic, and unfortunately his drinking was often accompanied by verbal and occasional physical abuse to me and my sisters. It took a similar situation to yours to make him stop (althiugh my parents did reunite) and he has not drunk for four years. So this could be a trigger for things improving.

I struggled with the same feelings of inadequacy as you do, and it's only really in the past few years (I am 31)that I have been able to detach myself and my self worth from what my father thought of me and how he behaved towards me. Please dont feel like this is anything to do with you, alcoholics like your dad do not think logically when getting the next drink is involved. Best of luck to you and your family.