How do I get DH to talk about sex?

[DorisDaydreams]

I've NC and this is in relationships not sex because I know that this is a communication problem.

We're older, 2nd marriage for both of us. Been together for 5 years, married for 3.5.

DH can talk about decorating, music choices, his work, most things but it's all superficial stuff, no feelings and no sex.

This is emphasised by the fact that we're in lockdown.
Normally we're both busy so it can be easily ignored but we have time now and we could be lying around decadently, having slow sex and a laugh but nothing doing, I've tried talking, drawing him out but he never talks about sex or his emotions.

We don't have sex as often as I would like, maybe once a week and never on my period. I never know if he's up for it until we go to bed and then he wants it. When I've tried to initiate it he isn't fussed.

As I get older my body confidence has plummeted. I've never felt less attractive or less love.

It's more than sex. I feel lonely in my marriage, as he doesn't talk to me it has put me off sharing with him. I'd feel like I was giving of myself and getting nothing back.

How do I address this?

Has he always been non communicative about emotions or is this a recent development? If it isn’t a recent development, how has it taken 5 years for you to realise this?

Once a week is hardly a drought and not wanting penetration during a period is not than unusual, are you intimate in other ways?

When you ask how do you address this? Do you mean, ‘how do get him to change? or do you mean ‘how can I improve my self confidence by myself’?

If he has never communicated, then I would strongly suspect that he cannot. He may not be wired to do so, and probably has no idea what you might mean when you try. The clue is in you saying that you feel lonely.

Has he ever shown in any way that he understands that you are experiencing feelings apart from how they may impact him? For example, do you think that he is at all concerned for how happy (or not) you are, for your own sake? Or would it be more accurate to say he would be concerned that you are unhappy only because that would in some way reflect on him or affect him?

He may genuinely love you but be incapable of ever connecting with you in the way you need.

I think there are few things worse than loneliness in a marriage. What's keeping you there?

Yes he has always been difficult to communicate with AgentJohnson. He was less so when we first met. I know that he & ex DW stayed in their marriage for a long time for the children and they spent years not talking to each other. So I think it's become a habit, that he feels that if he gives too much away it will be used against him.

Generally I address it once or twice a year with him, things improve for a while and then it gets worse again.

I really don't mind not having sex during my period but no, there's no intimacy, not ever. Sex IS the intimacy, which I suppose is why I would like more sex, really what I'm saying is that I want intimacy. I could live a long time without sex without intimacy.

'How do I address this?' is about both 'how do I get him to talk to me more?' and 'how do I improve my self esteem?'

Haffiana he can communicate his emotions, he does for a while every time I ask him to. Then he stops again. I've always worked really hard to let him know that it is safe to be honest about his emotions with me, that there won't be terrible repercussions but I can't undo the hurt of his previous marriage. They were divorced 14 years ago so there was plenty of time before we met,

When I tell him how I feel he does care, in fact he's devastated. He really does care and he does make an effort but it doesn't come naturally to him.

Hollowtalk I'm here because I love him and deep down I really I do know that he loves me, he just can't express it.

Normally we have demanding jobs so the surface talking is enough. It's weekends, holidays. Since lockdown now he's WFH so there's no commute and I'm furloughed. We're spending a lot of time together but there's no evidence of intimacy. We're just together on the sofa, at dinner, out for our walk.

Yes, being lonely in a marriage is utterly miserable. I think this could be sorted but it takes two.