Leaving during lockdown? Or just give up and accept this is what I'm worth.

[Mylittlepinkiepie]

I've posted this on coronavirus aswell due to the lockdown. But posting here incase it's more relevant too. I've never written any of it down and this is a small fraction but I cant type it all out again so I've just copied my other post over.

need to leave my relationship.
I have 3 kids but they are with their dad until this is resolved. Partner has 3 kids. They're not here for lockdown and I need to leave before things get back to normal.

I dont know how to even start though. I rang the domestic abuse line and they could put me in a womens shelter but I'd be miles from my kids (I normally have them 50% in holidays a bit less in term time) and they're the only things keeping me going. If I have to sit in a room alone with nothing miles from them I think itll tip me over the edge.

I've been called alsorts for the last year. My partner is also transgender. I've done nothing but support this and all I get in return is moods, lies or abuse.

I'm told almost daily now I'm ugly, stupid or shallow. I dont have my own opinions or thoughts. I'm a crap parent. I dont provide. I waste money (if I try to earn atm I'm barraged with abuse and accusations). I'm accused of cheating most days. They make fun of my teeth due to them being replaced after anorexia.

Theyve threatened to take away my make up and clothes, told me if I go I go with nothing and wouldnt let me sit down. When I couldnt sit more than a ft away from them earlier (they were spreading over the bed so I couldnt sit and do my make up) theyvr got enraged cuz I was using my toner water and it squirted on their arm. So they sprayed zoflora in my face and it went in my mouth nose and eyes.

Then threatened to report me to the police.

They tell me theyve logged alsorts of my apparent abusive behaviour but I'm not abusive. Sometimes I react after hours of baiting and abuse and these are held up as proof of my abuse, sent round friends and family. If I cry its videoed and sent to his ex etc

The flat isnt in my name and they have tried to throw me out every day since lockdown knowing I have no where to go.

I have no money and every time I get any I spend it on exactly what I'm told to and I'm then blamed for running out.

I cant see a way out. I dont know what to do or where to start. I dont want sympathy because I got myself into this and I've put up with things that I shouldnt have even before lockdown but can someone tell me who I can contact who's not going to take me miles from my kids?

I'm worried if I leave I'll be stuck for money. I've got about 50p in my account until the 5th. I could leave the day I'm paid but I'm worried I'll be arrested if partner reports and claims I've not sent them anything (I'd send them half even tho we only get more because I'm on Pip and UC sickness).

Can anyone advise please I cant even call anyone in private as we live in a one bedroom flat and I'm scared to go out incase they kick off and lock me out. My family dont live here so I'm just on my own.

Hi I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through and no one should have to put up with that in their life. I know you said you would be miles away from your kids if you went to a refuge but that will be so much better than living through this...you can be supported in a refuge and get yourself back on your feet...
Have you got any friends that you can talk to through text? If not definitely chat to people on here. There's always people willing to help including me and contact domestic abuse services..there will be a text helpline I'm sure
Xxx

Also social services...they may help you and there's an app called hestia? Bright sky. Lots of support in there xx

They are abusive - and you should have called the police after the zoflora incident. Do tell friends etc. what is going on.
How do you normally have your kids in a 1 bedroom flat?

I've rang them but I'd have been miles away from my kids.

I think I'm gonna go to my doctors tomorrow. I have mental health problems. They sent me to hospital once for a month.

I have memory problems too that I didnt have before. It goes black and i lose hours at a time its terrifying. I feel like I'm possessed by something.

I dont even want to live here that's the thing. My kids are safe their dad is a good guy we just didnt work. I dont want to stay here because I know what people think of me.

But I'm scared of leaving too. I'm too scared to tell the police anything I dont trust them.

Molly they sleep in my bed and we have a blow up bed. Normally we go out all day. I'm very active so are my kids.

Pineapple I'm scared social services wont believe me. Altho they do know me because I sought their help for my problems. When my ex and I split up. I was in the throes of a massive eating disorder. They were supportive but my ex never said anything bad. I'm scared my partner will turn it on me.

If your kids are with their dad, go now. It'll give you time to sort things through (practically and emotionally) while they're safe. Don't stay a minute longer than you have to. Gather anything you need before the drs, go and don't go back. Tell the GP everything, they should be able to help you.

Good luck.

Do you get on ok with your ex? Could you go there or ask him for help?

You're the victim, they're the abuser. It's not you the police would be arresting.

A refuge is a temporary stepping stone. You wouldn't be there forever, it would just be while they help you get longer term accommodation in place. They would help you sort out your financial position too and provide support in rebuilding.

You've said yourself it's impossible to sort out somewhere new to live - or anything really - while you're living under their control. A refuge gives you the safety and space to do what you need to do to find somewhere suitable to live and adjust to not being controlled. It's step one of making life better.

I know it's really hard to see a way out when you're in the midst of abuse, but your fears of the police arresting you are coming from the abusive lies you've been fed.

If the police were to get involved they would have a duty of care to protect you from more abuse. They'd be busy liaising with other agencies to keep you safe.

You shouldn't have to live like this.

I second if you have a reasonable relationship with you're ex could you ask for help.and explain what's happening.

Would your ex take you in temporarily or does he have a new partner?

@Teabaseddiet I'm going to ring the docs tomorrow. I have a spare change of clothes at a friends from last time.

@RandomMess yeah my ex has seen some of it because they were sending me abusive texts accusing me of having sdx with my ex. My exs partner is v vulnerable so I cant physically go down and wouldnt want the kids to know I'm upset again.

I know I need to go I'm just terrified of taking g that step and shutting the door forever. Every time I walk down the hallway I think about doing it for the last time.

I feel like I e failed massively for everyone. especially myself.

I was reading the abuser profiles and the water torturer was like reading about my life. The boiling point part specifically.

I'm sweating and overheating thinking about leaving. I know I need to. I feel like a stray dog.

I'm going to talk to my ex tho when can on my own. He might take me somewhere at least as he has a car

Going into a refuge will be fine it gives you time and breathing space. You can relocate back to be near enough your DC.

Feel the fear, be brave and go for it

I feel bad cuz when they rang me back I never answered. But I just couldnt do it. I dont want to be here tho I thought I could do a bit longer if it meant not being that far away.

I'm not even trying to explain to them what theyve actually done to me. I'm in bed listening to music I dont care if they think I look funny when I cry. Theyve fucked off sulking in there presumably because they're feeling upset that I've got the audacity to still be upset and not be pandering and begging.

They threaten to ring the police and I said earlier do it then and theyll take me away.

Last time the police offered to drive me where ever in the country I wanted to go and my partner begged them not to and said theyd go out.

I will say aswell the police told my partner last time it's not illegal for me to argue back

The woman at victim support told me shed looked through my stuff and they all believe me. But partner heard and started saying they're logging everything g with 101 so now they probably dont believe me if theyve got weeks of bullshit reports against me.

if you have been offered a place in a woman's shelter, GO. Just make a plan and get out. You can do it.

The shelter will work with you and support you to find suitable accommodation.

As for pay day, don't give the abuser anything, he doesn't deserve anything.

Tomorrow go to the shops/drs any excuse it doesn't matter. And call your ex or a friend to come and get you and give you a few hours breathing space. Then you can either call womens aid, family, or a friend. Stay somewhere else tomorrow night and never go back. Just one day at a time. Just stay where you for a night or two until you get something more permanent sorted out. A refuge would give you some breathing space. The most important thing is you look after yourself now and get help with benefits and some emotional support. If your ex has a car he can help you see your kids. Just get away. You 10000% deserve better. Just go and make a call for help when you are out. And never return

Your partner sprayed bleach in your face. This is a criminal offence, and they are horribly abusive and should have been arrested and charged.

Is there anyone you could go to? A refuge, even if its a long way away, would at least keep you safe.

You need to leave and never come back here. Ask your friends or your ex to help you. Don't pay your abuser anything. Don't feel guilty. No one has the right to control you. Live for yourself, you are so worth it.

When you have got away and are safe, consider posting on the transgender widows thread for support.x

Thankyou for the advise everyone. Really. Because no ones been horrible like I thought. I've written these posts out loads but I'm scared everyone will see me the way I feel people see me. How they tell me people see me.

I do shout and scream horrendously but after 6 7 or 8 hours solid of baiting, nasty remarks and insults and character assassination. I'm not a bad person.

I've seen the trans widow threads. I just dont feel I'm in the same league. I knew my partner was transgender when I committed and I actually do like trans women. I didnt have anything hidden from me for years like the women on there.

I am going to go to the doctors in the morning. They wont stop me going there. They think me going to the doctors is proof I'm the bad mental one. Even though they try to claim they have everything I'm actually diagnosed with.
I'll check back in morning if not before. Theyve gone out for a walk and is trying to be nice with food when they get back and wants to watch something.

Thankyou from the bottom of my heart.

Even my best friend of 20 plus years believes my partner and has turned on me. Her sister attacked me over the trouble my partner caused (I left but ended up back after she attacked me). I literally begged her and she promised me 2 months ago that no matter what little clips and shit they send shed always believe me. So I didnt think anyone else would.

What gets me most are the transphobe comments though. That hurts. It was me with all the trans and LGBT friends before. Me with everyone begging to do pride with me. .. How would such a transphobe have every trans person in town wanting to pay me for make up and nails and go on nights out. These people have known me all my life I'venever been any kind of phobe.

They can't do anything about you not handing over any money.

Please leave ASAP

Please phone domestic abuse helplines, etc. You are not the only one in such a horrible situation, the rates of this kind of thing has sky rocketed since lockdown so please don't feel like you're alone in this. In 100% of cases, the victim is not to blame. I can assure you of that. No matter what someone does, no one has the right to abuse them for it. They're in the wrong, you are not.