Do I talk to him?

[LostandLockeddown]

My boyfriend and I split up two weeks ago. I knew something was up and ended up emailing him to get him to open up. I wasn't expecting it to be the end though and I was/am devestated.

We've been together a year and a half and I feel like there's so much unfinished between us. I know he has some issues and I do too. Both older and had taken it slowly.

We're in touch by text a bit but I've not been able to talk to him as I've been too upset and I don't know what to say.

I don't want to just never speak again though. He has said he misses talking to me and he's sad. Do I just pluck up courage and ring? Or am I just laying myself open to more hurt?

I could leave it longer but don't want to shut the door completely and worry that the more time passes, the more we lose any connection. We haven't talked about why we've split up at all other than the reasons he gave in the email.

I'm so sad. Still crying every day.

You haven't given his reasons op..

The big question is, do you want him back at least a bit ? If so, ring him, if not don’t.

I got a call from an ex and thought I will not respond as I was still very angry. Fortunately, someone much older and wiser than me was around, who told me “ring him back, if you don’t you will live the rest of your life plagued by what ifs”.

So I rang him, we didn’t get back together but I was free if the what ifs and the call helped me a bit on my way to put that relationship behind me.

He said he thought we were too different but the examples he gave didn't seem to be that significant to me. The kind of things you'd find our about in the first few weeks and all things he knew about when he fell in love with me for sure.

I think he started feeling negative about things for his own reasons and then has looked for stuff to confirm this. I don't mean to dismiss his feelings. I just think they were things we could have talked about.

God yes I want him back but I'm not sure I should. I don't want to be hurt like this again so it would be work for us both but I think relationships are work once you're past the first bit of being in love.

Leave it. He knows where you are. He broke up with you, don't chase him.

I wouldn't personally.

He has just sent a text/email. Minimum effort on his part. Not exactly pretty woman is it?

He made a choice not to be with you at the worst possible time. He didn't even have the decency to tell you the real reasons, just fudged you off with nonsense. After a year and a half.

It is likely that he had his head turned by someone else and he has belatedly realised that they are not in to him, or he is an option, not a choice.

He misses your attention but he didn't have enough respect for you to have discussed his issues before ending it.

Now he is trying to hoover you back up. Only now you will be on the back foot, worried that he will leave you again. You will accept whatever morsel he deems to throw your way, but he will maintain that he still needs space and you aren't together.

He wants to move you in to the FWB position whilst he looks for someone else.

He is too old to behave like a teenager. Very unattractive.

This is why it is best to block exs. It is not possible to be friends or FWB until both of you have moved on completely.

He's allowed to break up for no reason at all. You dont have to agree with his reasons.

I would leave him be and move on with your life. There is no good time to break up and maybe the distance helped him realise he wasnt feeling the way he should to sustain a relationship with you.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Breakups can be so painful x

I know he is @Windyatthebeach. I do understand that. 😞

I broke up with my partner last night (long back story) and am heartbroken. I feel dreadful, like I've lost a best friend. It was my decision but I already want him to message me.. Look like he cares... Its so very hard

Sorry @GK14. I know. My ex (and even referring to him as that is hard) messaged me last night. Nothing important. He just seems want to be in touch daily as we always have been. I just want him to tell me it was a mistake.

I don’t know why you’re still texting and e mailing. You’ve broken up at his instigation, so block him. Fuck him move on.

Next time he messages, reply something like "you texting me feels like mixed messages, and I am finding it confusing. If you stand by your decision to end things between us, then I need some time out from contact. Hopefully we can resume a friendship in time, but not right now."

Cos what he's doing is quite cruel and selfish. He wants to have broken up with you but not have to deal with the emotional fallout - have contact on his terms and keep you hanging on, to assuage his conscience or massage his ego. It's not nice, and it's not doing you any favours.

Agree with PPs. Don't talk to him except to say to leave you alone.

Yes, this is amazingly selfish of him.

I would block him on everything, take time to grieve the relationship. Friendship may be possible, but personally, as I've said on her before many times, I think at least 20 years have to pass before it is a good idea. Otherwise at least one party is wishing you were back together - and form the sound of your post, OP, it would be you.

And at the very worst, staying in contact leaves you open to shilly-shallying behaviour, where he uses you as a back-up shag and/or emotional support until he gets together with someone new and drops you like a hot coal.

Well I did ring. I know most of you said no. I was feeling restless and didn't want what ifs. We didn't talk about our relationship at all. It was clearly just a fairly pointless chat. He even said "well nice to catch up" to end the call. I feel glad I rang in a way because the texts now confirm he was just feeling guilty. I'm struggling to make sense of what the fuck our relationship was. Going from deep and meaningful and v much in love, to over with only an email I had to ask for to find out, in a few short weeks.

I know they're his issues. I get his past but fuck.. it hurts. I just don't know how to process it. Was it all bullshit? I obviously fall deeply when I do and I am genuine and mean it. He meant it at the time but I don't get how he switched off so easily it seems.

I know it's wasted energy thinking about him really but I just need to vent without exasperating all my friends. It's shit in lockdown without even a hug.

Tell him to stop contacting you. It will make him go cold turkey and give you space to recover. If you keep maintaining contact he’ll never really get to feel the loss - if he does, not saying he will, and you will never heal.