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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband shuts down often

1 reply

blueglassandfreesias · 19/04/2020 17:13

When DH’s daughter (my DSD) is here, he is much more talkative towards me. I feel because he wants me to help with running things while she’s here, she’s autistic so it can be quite awkward socially because she doesn’t always reply/respond when you talk to her and is highly anxious.
As soon as she’s gone, he disconnects. Doesn’t really talk just lays around the house and always puts this down to “depression” which I feel is his ‘get out of jail free card’ because he seems to really switch it on and off.
He will be really jolly and present and then suddenly just withdraw without any apparent event to cause it.
It’s all so amplified at the moment because we are together a lot more.
Each time he does this (we have a young daughter together) I feel that my DD feels rejected by him as he just ignores her/ goes on his laptop etc. I feel rejected too but when I tell him this or try to get into a dialogue about it he hates it and gets all defensive and just doesn’t talk to me.
It’s such a shame because when he’s present, it’s lovely.

OP posts:
AverageGuy · 20/04/2020 10:08

OP,
Is it possible he is on the spectrum as well? It could be he isn't actually "shutting down", but just focusing on something else?

I suspect I'm HFA, and my XW often complained that I shut her out when in fact I was just focused on what I was doing, and didn't realise that she felt that way (as she never said!)

I'm aware of other things about my behaviour which drove her nuts, but it might be too outing to put them up here...

If he does things like watch TV or stay on a laptop all evening, and not talk to / interact with you or your DD, he may not be aware / fully realise that it is causing you both a problem.

He "switches back on" when DSD is around, because he knows he has to make more of an effort.

Or he could just be a complete arse...

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